Chapter 4

Avery

            I am awakened by the sunlight illuminating the room.  I look over at Katie who is sleeping peacefully.  My mind invaded with thoughts of how I violated a moral standard and how I am responsible for what happened to her.  For the first time in my life, I am ashamed of the person that I am.  I am grappling with how I am supposed to handle all this.  I know the logical choice would be to man up and just tell her what happened.  But that choice terrifies me, I have so much to lose.  I rub my hand down my face, and slowly sit up, leaving Katie alone in the bed.  Quietly I get dressed and sneak into the nursery.  I stand over the crib, looking down at my son.  What kind of example am I for him?  When parents tell their children the story of how they were conceived, not the act itself, rather the romantic narrative, I am sure none have involved a tale of assault, where by some twisted act of fate, the parents end up together.  Adrian squirms, his facial features temporarily twisting up, until he relaxes again.  I choke back a sob.  I can’t be here right now.  I mutely leave the nursery, stopping in the living room to write out a note to Katie.  

            Had to run to the office.  You were sleeping so soundly; I didn’t want to wake you.  Be back as soon as I can.  -Avery

            Before heading into the office, I navigate toward the casino, hoping to find Wayne.  Wayne and I grew up together, have been best friends all our lives, and I need to talk this out with him.  I walk into A la Carte, Wayne’s restaurant, and find him in the kitchen, speaking with his staff.  He looks over at me and motions for me to give him a minute.  As he approaches, he has the biggest smile on his face, that falls the minute he sees mine.  “What’s wrong? Is Katie and Adrian okay?

            “They are fine, I left them both sleeping at home.”  I am looking down at the floor, I can’t seem to bring myself to look at him, knowing the bomb I am fixing to drop.

            “Why aren’t you at home with them?”  Wayne lowers his head into my line of vision, encouraging me to look at him.

            “I found out who was responsible for the attack on Katie.”  I utter just above a whisper.

            “That is great news, right?”  The concern is written all over Wayne’s face.  He knows me well enough to know that something is wrong.

            I look over at Wayne, tears filling my eyes, “No, it’s not.

            “What’s going on Avery?”  Wayne’s tone is cautious, while trying to sound supportive.

            “You remember the night we were out celebrating my job?”  The first tear trails down my cheek.

            “Yeah, I remember.”  His voice is guarded; his uncertainty clear.

            “Well, as you know, Vanessa and I left.  She talked me into a role play that I am not proud of.  Wait, I can’t put all the blame on her, my sick ass was more than willing to entertain it.

            “Okay,” Wayne draws out the word, clearly unsure of where I am heading with all this.

            “It was a rape, we agreed to role play a rape.”  I could feel the bile rising in my throat.  I was ashamed, disappointed in myself, no, angry at myself.  Not just angry, I was fucking pissed.  

            Wayne’s eyes widen and then narrowed.  “That is so unlike you.  What the hell were you thinking? And what does this have to do with…..” He quickly draws in a breath as realization dawns on him.

            “We had stopped at an alley.”  I start sobbing. “I didn’t know it was her, I thought it was Vanessa.”  Wayne quickly pulls me into a hug, and I do the most unmanly thing, I cling to him and sob.  I sob for Katie, my son, myself, and our future.  

            “How did you figure it out?”  Wayne asks once I calm down.

            “Although it seems that it should have been obvious to me before now, it was actually Troy.  He was there that night.”  I sigh, suddenly emotionally drained.

            “What?  I don’t understand.” Wayne is shaking his head, beginning to pace in front of me.

            “He saw the whole thing.  He was there and saw what I was doing and did nothing to stop it.  He said he found joy in watching me fuck up.  That he has always lived in our shadows, or some shit like that.”  I run my hand through my hair, joining Wayne, pacing the floor.

            “He did what?!”  Wayne thunders, his nostrils flaring.

            “Said I passed out afterward, so he took me home, then planned to turn me in the next morning.  He said he didn’t because I was going on about what a good friend he was in my drunken stupor.  He claims the reason he had been so elusive was because he was struggling with it.

            “This is unbelievable!”  Wayne is pulling on his hair, looking at me wide eyed.

            “Yeah, I know.  Said he had planned to tell me at the lake house, but then he saw that Katie was pregnant.”  I am looking down at my feet, kicking at nothing, trying to keep my breathing level. “I don’t know what to do.  I haven’t told Katie yet.  I didn’t figure it out until she was at the hospital delivering Adrian.  Hell, I had honestly thought it was Troy based on the way he had acted during the grand opening here.” 

            “You know you have to tell her.  She deserves to know.”  Wayne is somber, giving me sympathetic eyes.

            I lower my head, and mutter, “What if she hates me?  What if she can’t forgive me?  What if she doesn’t want me in either her or Adrian’s life?

            “You have to take responsibility for your actions.  As fucked up as it was, it wasn’t intentional.  But you have to man up and do the right thing.  You are better than this.”  

            “Do I turn myself in?”  I choke out, looking over at Wayne, again with tear filled eyes.

            “Honestly, that is between you and Katie.  It happened to her.  She should be the one to make that choice.  You need to trust her.  You need to understand that this isn’t going to be easy for her to accept, she is going to be heartbroken and angry.  You are going to be reopening a wound that you caused.  You need to be patient and honest with her.  You are also going to have to give her time.  She is going to have to grieve.

            Dread weighs my body, suffocating me.  I nod my head at Wayne in acknowledgment.  He pulls me into another hug, patting me on the back.  When he releases me, he gives me the most sympathetic look he can muster and walks away.  I truly feel alone.  I leave the restaurant, driving aimlessly, feeling nothing.  It is easier to make myself numb than to feel.  

Katie

            I am awakened by Adrian’s tiny wails.  I look over to find that Avery is gone.  I wait a moment and listen to see if maybe he is heading to the nursery, but after several moments of Adrian’s cries getting louder, I accept that Avery isn’t here.  As I am heading to the nursery, I see the note that Avery left for me.  At least he let me know something this time.  He didn’t just disappear like he did at the hospital.  I pick up Adrian, his little face red with irritation, after changing him, I carry him over to the glider rocker.  I sing as I am nursing him, amazed by the amount of love I have for this precious little boy.  I was honestly worried during my pregnancy, especially with the circumstances of his conception.  I look down at him, taking in his facial features, wondering for the first time if Adrian shares any of the features of the man who raped me.  As I take in the sight of him, all I can see is Avery, and I am so thankful for that.  Avery’s behavior the last few days has been weighing heavily on my mind and my heart.  I feel like he is hiding something from me, and I wish he would trust me enough with it.

            After laying Adrian back down, there is a knock at my door.  Feeling a bit irritated that someone is bothering me with a visit this early on the morning following my return home, I am relieved when I answer the door and see Hayley holding up my favorite coffee from Starbucks and a hot cinnamon roll.  “How is Adrian and his momma doing?”  

            I open the door wider for her to come in, snatching the coffee and roll from her as she passes me.  “Bless you!  Thank you so much for this, I needed it.  We are doing fine.

            Hayley smiles at me as I shove the first bite of my cinnamon roll in my mouth in a very unladylike manner, moaning at how good it is.  “You’re welcome.  In addition to wanting to see my little nephew, I have some news I want to share.

            I roll my eyes at her as I lick frosting from my finger, “What is it?

            “Rick and I picked the wedding date.  We decided we didn’t want to wait long, so the big day is June 2.”  Hayley draws up her shoulders, bracing herself, waiting on my reaction.

            “June 2!  That is like six months from now!  Are you going to be able to plan your dream wedding in that amount of time?”  Hayley has always wanted a big, extravagant wedding, I just can’t see her being able to plan one in that small amount of time.

            “Dreams change.  He’s my dream now, and after seeing and holding Adrian, we want to start a family of our own.”  She looks over at me, her eyes glistening with unshed emotion.

            I smile at her, hugged her tightly, reassuring her. “I am so happy for you.  You know I will do anything I can to help.

            “Well, that is usually what the maid of honor does!”  She giggles.  “We have a lot to do, and I just wanted to be sure that this wouldn’t be too much on you with Adrian.

            “Hayley, you are my best friend, I got you.” Hayley reaches over and pulls me into an embrace.  

            We spend the next week discussing ideas for her wedding.  I can’t help but feel a little jealous, she is moving forward in her relationship, while I feel like Avery and I have stalled in ours.  Suddenly feeling imprisoned and having a strong desire to get out, I suggest to Hayley that we go out dress shopping.  Hayley gets all the necessary baby gear together and loaded into her car, while I gingerly lift Adrian from his crib, carrying him over to his changing table to get him gussied up for our trip out.  

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