Katie

            The next few weeks go by in a blur.  Avery and I are dealing with his confession, deciding together that no one else needs to know.  He has moved into my place so that we can start a future raising our son together.  We have been getting along well, but there is still tension between us. Although Avery kisses me in greeting or when he leaves, there is no real affection or intimacy between us.  There is a part of me that wonders if he is still punishing himself for what happened, or if he is fearful of touching me now.  I haven’t really pressed the matter, because in all honesty, I am not sure how to proceed.  I know I love him, but I feel like there is this wedge between us now, a wedge of knowledge, that is preventing us from growing any further.  The sad part is, I’m no more stressing it than he is.  

            The only area of our relationship that seems to be thriving at this point, is our relationship with our son.  Avery is a doting father, and most of our communication each day seems to be about Adrian.  I wonder, if it wasn’t for Adrian, if we would communicate at all.  We have developed a domesticated routine, especially where Adrian and household responsibilities are concerned, but sometimes it feels like we are just roommates, not a couple.  

            It is dark, strobe lights are flashing, music is loud, almost deafening.  I can’t find Hayley.  My heart is beating in my chest, panic setting in, an ocean of faces appearing before me.  I can’t see her in the crowd.  Where has she gone?  I am calling her name, pushing my way through the throngs of faces, each looking at me in disgust as I push my way past them.  Suddenly, I have pushed my way out a door, it has led me into a dark alley.  I panic again, turning back for the door, banging on it, screaming to let me back in.  Suddenly, I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, my mouth is covered, an unknown weight pushing up against me.  I am fighting against it, thrashing around…..

            “Katie, wake up.”  I hear Avery’s concerned voice as I feel his hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me.  I shoot up in the bed, my heart racing.  He looks at me, pain radiating from his eyes.  “You were having a nightmare again.” It isn’t a question; Avery is stating the obvious.  I have started having nightmares again, and I am sure this is adding to Avery’s guilty conscience.  I am sure it is because the assault is front and foremost in my mind again, I know this is hurting him.  I know he is carrying all sorts of guilt around about what happened, and I don’t know how to reassure him that I am fine.  I know the nightmares contradict the reassurances I am offering him.

Avery

            It has been a few weeks since I confessed my part in Katie’s assault, since we worked through it, and I moved in with her.  Trying to navigate my relationship with Katie knowing what I have done, and being a new father, has been hard.  I know that if it had not happened the way it did, I would not have met Katie and I wouldn’t have my handsome son, but I hurt her, and I haven’t been able to forgive myself for it, even if Katie has.  She has started having nightmares again, which further complicates navigating our relationship post assault.  I both hated and was relieved that I had to leave her this morning for my shift. Her buried case file has been a constant source of anxiety for me at work.  I am trying to maintain a calm demeanor, especially now that I have been assigned a partner.  Leo and I have created a good working environment, working well together.  He has taken on a second job working security for my friend Troy at the casino.  He has hit it off with my friends and has become the newest member of our group.  We are currently enjoying breakfast together, Leo filling me in on some of the exciting happenings from his security job.

            “31-113” echoes through my police radio.

            “31-113, go ahead.”

            “We have a code 901H at Myer Casino.”

            “10-17, point of contact?”

            “Troy Myer.”

            Shit! Leo and I look at one another, “10-4.”  We leave enough money on our table to cover the meal and tip, and quickly get in our vehicle and head toward the casino.  Leo and I ride in silence, both lost in our own thoughts, worry radiating off us.  I purposely don’t engage my siren or lights, to keep from drawing attention when we pull up to the front, noticing immediately Troy pacing.  When I exit the vehicle and head toward Troy, the look on his face confirms my worst fears.  It has to be his father.  I walk up to him, immediately pulling him into a hug as he falls apart.  When he lifts his tear streaked face and makes eye contact with me, his eyes are brimmed red, full of tears.  I clear my throat, trying to keep my composure, although I feel the burn of tears in my eyes.  I indicate for him to lead the way, and Leo and I quietly follow him, through the lobby and down the corridor to his father’s office.  

            As we enter his office, the first thing I notice is Luca Myer, face down on his desk.  Leo immediately kicks into action.  He has a police duffle bag, that I didn’t notice before, and pulls out evidence bags and slips his hands into latex gloves.  He walks over to the desk and picks up an empty glass tumbler, placing it into an evidence bag.  He begins dusting for prints around the desk, door and wall around the door.  He pulls out a camera and begins taking pictures.  I turn toward Troy, as he watches, eyes wide in horror, his hands locked behind his neck.

            “What happened?”  I choke out, my throat suddenly feeling dry.

            “I don’t know.  I got to work this morning and found him like this.  I thought he was passed out from drinking too much, but he wouldn’t wake up and I couldn’t find a pulse.” He pauses, looking at me like he is wanting me to offer him some sort of answer.  

            “How was he the last time you saw him?”  I give Troy a sympathetic look, putting my hand on his shoulder.

            “He was fine, ask Leo, he worked last night.” Troy is looking over at Leo, waiting on him to confirm, to which Leo nods his head in agreement.  I hear Leo calling dispatch to request the coroner, while he continues to work the scene.  I had been excited about watching him put his crime scene investigative experience to work, however, under the current circumstances, that excitement eludes me.

            “How has his health been?”  I ask, more as a concerned friend.

            “As far as I know, good.” Troy sighs, running his hands through his hair, tugging it slightly as he does.

            “Has he been stressed about anything that you know of?”

            “You know him, he never acted like he was ever stressed about anything.  He made all this look easy.” Troy indicates with his hands that he is referring to the casino.

            We are interrupted by Wayne, who runs into the room, and immediately snatches Troy into an embrace, both men emotional.  I struggle again to maintain my poise; however, I can’t help the tear that escapes watching my two best friends dealing with this loss.  Troy recaps the events of the morning with Wayne as Leo comes over and finally offers his condolences.  We are joined by the coroner, who collects the body for transport, letting Leo know that they will determine the cause of the death and get back with him.  Leo excuses himself to go and collect the security tapes for review.  I am so thankful that Leo stepped up and took control of the scene.  I feel like I am in a fog, and now that my expectations as a law enforcement officer have been met, I allow myself to fall apart.

            My shift goes by in a blur, the majority of which was spent at the casino.  Once our shift ended and we finished processing the scene, I numbly head in the direction of home.  Once I walk in the door, I look over at Katie, who is sitting on the couch.  She looks over at me and immediately lunges off the couch, rushing over to me, bringing me into her arms, “What’s wrong, Avery?”  

            I pull her into a tight embrace, my face buried in her shoulder, and I sob.  I’m not sure how much time passes, but Katie patiently holds me as I gradually regain my composure.  When I pull away from her, I meet her eyes, which are looking at me expectantly, and I fill her in on the events of the day.  Katie cries with me, expressing her concern for Troy and what he must be feeling.  She informs me that I need to change, as she wraps up the dinner she had prepared for us, along with collecting Adrian and his things, advising me that we are heading over to Troy’s house to offer support.  The ride over is quiet, Katie drives, sensing I need a break to collect my thoughts and emotions.  

            When we arrive at Troy’s penthouse apartment, we are greeted at the door by Wayne, who had accompanied Troy home.  As we enter his apartment, I see Leo already sitting on the sofa, and hear Hayley and Rick as they arrive sometime after us.  Wayne informs us that Troy is lying down, and Katie hands Adrian to me while she takes over the kitchen, warming up the lasagna and bread that she brought with us, and setting out plates on the bar.  Troy enters the room, joining Katie in the kitchen, joking about the enticing smell that lured him out of his room, picking on Wayne about Katie giving him a run for his money.  Seeing Troy interact positively with everyone helps lift the gloomy mood that had befallen the group.  Wayne prepares a salad to accompany what Katie brought, and we all sit down and eat. 

            The guys convene into the den, while Katie and Hayley clean up the kitchen.  Troy advises us that he has been in touch with the family lawyer, who has advised Troy of his father’s wishes for his funeral and arranged for the reading of his Will.   He has been in touch with the funeral home but cannot proceed any further until the coroner releases his father.  Leo explains the process to Troy, letting him know it shouldn’t be long.  Troy is holding up surprisingly well, which I know is subject to change over the course of the next week or so.  Troy lets us know that the extended family will start arriving over the next few days, and that he will keep us updated about arrangements, etc.  He also made the tough decision to close the casino and any businesses contained within the casino, until after the reading of the Will.  

            Once Katie and Hayley are done cleaning the kitchen, we excuse ourselves to head home, knowing that we need to get Adrian back to his night routine.  Katie drives us home, seeming to understand my need to disconnect.  We arrive home, Katie dismisses me to take a shower and unwind, and she takes care of Adrian, preparing him for bed.  When she joins me in the bedroom, I am exiting the bathroom, standing before her in just the towel wrapped around my waist.  She gives me a sympathetic look, followed by a perusal of my body.  When her eyes meet mine again, I can see the hunger in them.  After holding her eyes for a moment, I finally sigh and look away.  I’m not ready to be intimate with her yet.  Every time I have sexual urges towards her, or thoughts about her, I remember the part I played in her assault.  That is followed by the crippling guilt, which prevents me from being able to be with her intimately.  I pull on my boxer briefs, and climb into bed, indicating for her to come lie with me.  The look of disappointment on her face kills me, but she changes into one of my t-shirts and joins me in bed.  She lies with her back toward me and I pull her up against me, wrapping my arms around her and breathing in her scent.  I kiss her below her ear, whispering how much I love her and to give me time.  She nods her head, but I can hear her sniffles, I know she is trying to suppress her tears.