I want to look for a purpose; I want to find out why I’m so obsessed over football, why I didn’t give up a long time ago, why I kept playing even though I was insulted, shamed, and ignored.

“What is my purpose,” those are the words I meditate on day and night. Sometimes, it makes me feel stupid and other times it gives me hope. I know that whenever I get to find the driving force behind my dedication to football, it will help me become a better player.

There was this Friday morning, my mom had asked me to join her in washing the dishes, we had already started washing and my mom asked me to hurry, so I won’t miss my training session.

My mother was never a football fan, but after realizing how dedicated I was to it, she fell in love with it, just for my sake.

My mother used to think of the football field like a battleground. She thought it was meant for those who derived pleasure in taking risks; I had to convince her to let me play at first.

I guess I understand her point. Football can be very dangerous, especially for amateurs like me, as it may seem like a perfect place to get injured, getting injuries that may even knock you out of play for two to three months.

We were almost done with the dishes as I was already holding the last plate. I had remembered I had no training to go for, because of the promise I made to myself.

On contemplating whether I should go for the training, I had been repeating these words absentmindedly, “What is your purpose,” loudly and unknowingly, and I was lost in my thoughts until my mom brought me back with a strong pull on my right ear, as she said, “Your purpose is to finish washing that plate.”

“Alright mom, you can let go of my ear now,” I said, and we both laughed.

I promised myself not to step into the football field until I find something, that same thing that made me never thought of giving up.

The surprising fact is that I still don’t know why I can’t stay away from football, I don’t even know how to play it properly, and I still prefer being embarrassed every single time than to let go of it. I know well that there is more to my obsession than just the love I have for it.

Here I’m, back on the field a day after I had promised myself not to step into the field until I find out what is behind the obsession, and Now I’m Here again, and still haven’t found out why.

“Maybe I’m just addicted to playing it, isn’t that enough reason to be obsessed over football?” I say to myself, even though it doesn't even make any sense.

That was what I said to myself to excuse myself from the guilt of breaking the promise I made to myself as I couldn’t afford to miss any training session on my usual monthly challenge. I feel disappointed in myself anytime I break my promise; it doesn’t matter whether the person is aware of it, but I feel horrible within myself even if I made the promise to myself.

My monthly challenge comprises of extreme football workouts, I wanted to put a huge pressure on myself to remind me of the pain I had felt from being deprived of several opportunities and to force me into granting myself the pleasures that comes with scoring a goal.

“But why can’t I afford to miss, is it also because I just love playing football and I’m kinda addicted to it, or I couldn’t afford to miss the training because I want to get better at it?”

Hmm, I guess it’s because I want to get better at it.

“But why do I want to get better at it?” I thought to myself as my own thoughts genuinely confused me, I guess It’s because I don’t have a purpose yet.

If I had one, I would have known why I wanted to get better at it.

I’ve played this shit for 12 years now, and I never had a good reason to play. I have fought countless times for being deprived and cheated on football matters. Now, I can’t help but imagine if those bruises I got, and the injuries I sustained from fighting and playing, were totally for nothing.

I can't just wait until I find a purpose, I’m already addicted and there is nothing I can do about it. So I guess breaking my promise was the right thing to do.

After I got to the field, there was nothing much to do, I had only come to do some ball possession training; I take this challenge period seriously because I’m very poor at ball possession skills. Maybe it is because I’ve never found myself in a “one-man army” situation before, a situation where you are in possession of the ball but looks around and observe that you are the only one upfront and your teammates are all counting on your abilities and hoping you would get past three to four defenders without losing the ball and making your finish count at the end.

I have many flaws, apart from being poor at possession skills, I’m also poor at offensive position skills.

I’m more of a defensive player even though I never wanted to play the back line but after embarrassing myself at a tournament, I was forced to play the back line or give up my Jersey. It was so embarrassing as I caused an own goal while I was trying to fall back from my position to help the defenders, as if it was my duty, “Since you love to defend so much, that you even caused an own goal doing it, why don’t you remain at that position?” The coach said, as he immediately changed my position and made me a defender. Since then, I have never played as a forward.