Being the only child, of a man and a woman who were also only children meant that my family had always been tiny.My father’s parents had died before I was born. My mom’s Dad died when I was 8 and we drove down to Kentucky for the funeral. I remembered it clearly because mom hadn’t seen her parents for years, she was so heartbroken and I hated seeing her like that.

Either way, the only ‘close’ family I had now, was my 75 year old grandmother, who had dementia and had no idea who I was. I’d have to advise the nursing home, but I knew they would say it was best that she just didn’t know.

I had second cousins, and great aunts, the sisters and brothers of my grandparents. People I had never spoken too. I decided to wait until a reasonable time to start calling my “relatives” and instead showered, dressed and then called a funeral parlour. The police officers had stated that my parents would be brought back to a hospital here, and that a Funeral director could come and collect the bodies. Bodies.

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I waited for someone to pick up the phone.

I spoke with a nice man who explained that there were packages that entailed the director organising everything, by coming and talking and collecting a budget. I made an appointment for the next morning at 10am. Afterward I called a few numbers out of my parents address book and let my family know, then all of moms friends and family. Lastly I called the sous chef, Robbie and 2IC Jane and asked them both send everyone home, shut up the restaurant and come over.

By lunchtime they arrived, and they both looked confused as to why I was asking them over.

I invited them in and sat them down.

“I’m sorry to have to ask you to close the restaurant, but uh, this is kind of important” I said, my voice was threatening to crack again, I swallowed the ball of emotion in my throat, and told myself I had to be strong, there was to much to do, too much to organise, for me to fall apart.

“Unfortunately my mom and dad were killed in a car accident on Friday night” I said as calmly as I could, the words were torture to say, and my eyes brimmed with tears again. I pulled on the cuff of my hoodie and wiped the tears away. I had to be strong.

I looked up at my parents most senior staff. Although they were both only 23, they’d been at the restaurant since it had opened 5 years ago. They saw my parents more than I did.

Jane began sobbing uncontrollably, her shoulders sagged and she put her hands in her head. I leant forward on my own seat and wrapped my arms around her.

“I know you guys were close” I whispered, Once I had felt jealous that she had seen them every day. Once I had wished I had that connection with them still, but the disconnection I felt with my parents seemed to both help me combat this with grace, or at least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

“This is some kind of sick joke right Elliot?” Robbie choked, his hand grabbing mine from janes back. I pulled back from the hug and looked at Robbie. He looked angry, his eyes awash with disbelief.

“I wish it were, I really do” I replied sadly, looking down. “Then I could have changed things”

“Oh god. I think I am going to be sick” Robbie exclaimed, racing outside.

Robbie and Jane stayed for a couple of hours, and I offered for them to come back tomorrow to meet the funeral director, they knew a side of my parents I’d only seen now and again when working for them of the last couple of summers. I explained that I wasn’t sure what would happen with the restaurant now, but that for now they should take over my parents jobs, and that everything else continue as normal.

Ryan and Louise both called and text and I replied out of loyalty, but I really just wanted to be left alone. I assured them I was fine even though I wasn’t. Monday came but it felt blended with Sunday considering I hadn’t slept. Robbie and Jane came over and with the funeral director we organised a beautiful service for Saturday. Once the house was empty I went upstairs plugged my guitar in to my amp and turned it up as loud as it would go. I lay on my bed and played every guitar riff I could think of.

Then it hit me all over again. My parents are never coming home.

Tears flowed from my eyes uncontrollably and I felt an anger, a rage in my stomach that bled through me like fire on gasoline. I threw my guitar to the side and downstairs, I punched the wall, which only served to cause my hand to crunch against it, the wall won.

I flopped on the stairs and cried.

Why had they avoided being my parents for 5 years? It was a cruel twist of fate to rip them away from me and give me no chance at ever having them back again. The last 5 years had been a waste, for them, for me. I felt ripped off for missing out on those years because of them and guilty because I felt that way.

After another sleepless night I decided to go to school.

I changed clothes and grabbed my bag. My body feeling weak and tired from not eating and not sleeping. I walked outside and waited for the bus. Before it could come though, Matt’s Nissan pulled out of the driveway and stopped right beside me.

“You’re going to school today Elliot?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. I shrugged, and nodded

“Let me give you a ride?”

I shook my head and readjusted my bag “I’m okay Mr Cartwright, thanks though” I replied, returning to calling him by his last name seemed like the most appropriate thing for me to do, maybe calling him Matt in the first place had slackened the boundries for me? Either way I had to stop it, because right now I was in a crazy headspace, and if the other night had been anything to go by, I did stupid things when in a crazy headspace. Matt didn’t drive way at first, he just looked at me, a confused look on his face but when the yellow school bus began to drive down the road he took off, when it became clear I wasn’t going to go with him. I hopped on the bus and it quietened almost instantly. I found a seat and muffles started, clearly my situation was around school now. I looked out the window and frowned.

“Elliot?” an unfamiliar voice said, sitting down beside me “I’m Jake, I’m in your music class. I uh, I heard about your parents and I just wanted to say that I am really sorry”

Turned and smiled a melancholic smile at Jake. I recognised him, he’d been in my music class all the way through high school and was a really great bassist, I was touched that he’d come and talked to me too, unlike everyone else who only whispered about me.

“Thanks, Jake” I replied softly

“I uh, I heard your assignment piece last year, the guitar mix you made and I thought it was really trippy. I kind of made a bass accompaniment to it, if you are ever interested in hearing it?”

I looked in his eyes, they were green and sparkled in the light of the sun, but there was something haunted behind them he hid some kind of pain and it intrigued me a little. His blond hair was tucked behind his ears, he was actually kind of a beautiful guy, If it were okay to call a guy beautiful. I felt a flush to my face, he’d made an accompaniment to my music?

“Really? Wow, that would be great. Thanks for liking my music I guess” Is sort of stammered, taken aback by the admission.

Jake and I talked the rest of the way to school and it was nice to be distracted from everything going on. Once we arrived at school, I walked with Jake over to Louise and Ryan who were holding hands. The looked shocked to see me at first, but both pulled me in to a big bear hug

“So, guys this is Jake. Jake this is Ryan and Louise, who by the looks of things, are dating” I noted, introducing everybody. Jake sort of waved shyly at my friends. Ryan and Louise asked how I was, and after I assured them I was okay, the four of us made our way inside. I was feeling a little better being back, like a little bit of my normal life had returned, nothing had changed here and it was comforting. There was still so much up in the air at home, that this was helping me find a stable point of reference.

The only issue with school was the actual learning part. My first three classes of the day were as boring as each other, and I felt like I’d left dumber than when I walked in. at lunchtime, I grabbed a sandwich from the cafeteria because I was finally feeling hungry and sat down with my lovebird best friends. They were sitting so close to each other, arms hooked that I figured I might actually puke from the cuteness of it, I was glad they were happy though.

“So, when did this become a thing?” I asked taking a bite of the jelly sandwich

“That night, at your place” Louise replied softly, her smiled dropping

“Well, at least something good came out of that night right.”

I noticed Ryan’s eyes were somewhere else, and he a cheeky smile on his face.

“That boy Jake likes you” He said, motioning to someone behind me to come over

“Huh?”

“He’s been looking around for us since you sat down”

Jake, like me? Apart from sharing a class we barely knew each other.

“Hey guys” Jakes voice rang out as he sat down beside me, I looked over at Ryan who smirked and then unhooked his arm from Louise’s and instead put it over her shoulder.

We all talked for a while, about assignments that were due, I was distracted however when Matt walked into the cafeteria. Why did time seem to slow down when ever he was around? More importantly, why did I react like a lovesick school girl. Maybe because you are one psycho, Your parents died and your still pining over the teacher I told myself, flitting my eyes away, looking at Louise. She looked at me, and squinted a little before cocking her head to the side. Had she seen me pining, had it been that obvious? I ran my hands over my head, smoothing my hair back down. Averting my eye contact from hers.

I put my half eaten sandwich down and looked at the time on the cafeteria clock, It was getting close to the end of lunch so I Stood up

“Uh, I want to use the bathroom before next class” I lied, clambering out of the cafeteria seat. I pulled my bag on to my shoulder and hightailed it out of the cafeteria. I thought I’d gone un noticed, that Matt hadn’t seen me. True be told, after I’d made the gaffe of kissing him, I just couldn’t face him, I had said to forget it, pleaded even. The reality of forgetting my first kiss was impossible however. I walked down the corridor toward music, but didn’t get very far before I heard footsteps behind me, followed by a “Elliot!”

It was Matt, I wanted to pretend to not hear him, Which could have been believable if I’d been listening to my iPod, but I wasn’t and given I wasn’t deaf it was obvious I knew he was there. I stopped and turned.

“Hey Mr Cartwright” I said, not making eye contact

“Are you okay?” he asked, his hand reached out to touch my shoulder in a reassuring way, I shrugged it off and took a step back

“I’m fine Mr Cartwright, thank you, I need to go now, see you in science”

I looked up for a second and I swear I saw hurt in his eyes, He nodded and then turned to walk away. I felt guilty for closing him out when all he was trying to do was be a good person, but for the sake of my heart I had to stop him from being a good person to me. The guy who’d been a moronic jerk to me had to return…

In Music we had free planning time to organise a song for our first assignment, the previous years I’d worked alone, but I asked Jake if he wanted to work with me on mine and he agreed.

“Once this week is out of the way, I’ll have some free time for you to come over and we can compose something?” I suggested, referring to the funeral.

“You’re very strong Elliot, its inspirational” Jake noted while writing something in his music book

“I’m not half as strong as I make myself out to be” I found myself admitting “Sometimes I feel like I’m going to self-implode, and that was before my parents…”

Jake put a hand on my back, it was reassuring and nice.

“If you ever need some new ears to talk to, then give me a call.. You’ve got my number now” he suggested

“Thanks Jake”

The bell rung a little while later and Jake headed to his next class while I walked idly to science. I was still walking there when the second bell rung, signally I was late. I strolled in, without a care in the world expecting Matt to have a go at me. Instead he ignored that I was even late. I frowned and walked over to my seat and flopped down. I caught up to where we were in the book and started reading.

“Right, so get in to pairs, and we’ll discuss the properties of oxygen. We’ve got an odd number of students today, so Elliot, you can come with me.”

Really.

He was going to do that?

Use his authority to force me to talk to him.

Everyone else paired up, Matt sat down at his desk and looked over at me, a serious look on his face. He wasn’t happy with me. I grudgingly grabbed my textbook and dragged my feet across the floor to his desk. I dropped it on to the desk with a thump and pulled over a small plastic chair.

“to bad this wasn’t here when you need to hang the posters” I muttered sitting down. Matt either ignored what I had said, or didn’t hear it because he began quizzing me on the properties of oxygen.

I answered his questions quickly, surprised by my own knowledge, I’d hardly done any study, I just remembered what we’d learnt that fateful Friday. I remembered every single minute detail about that Friday.

“Elliot, are you sure you’re ready to come back to school?” Matt whispered so that no one else would hear, ugh, he was insufferable for a completely different reason now.

“Stop caring” I hissed back flicking the page in my textbook

“I can’t” he replied, his voice hoarse and raggedy,

My head shot up, perhaps a little to fast for someone who’d only eaten half a sandwich in the space of four days, because I felt dizzy, I looked at Matt’s face, he was frowning, his brow furrowed, his blue eyes connected with mine, searching, forever searching. I felt the ball emotion begin to rear its ugly head and I was struggling to hold it in. What did he mean he can’t? It may be his job to care that I complete homework or show up to class, but it wasn’t his job to invite me in to his home, it wasn’t his job to ask me multiple times a day if I was okay.

“Don’t be silly, of course you can Mr cartwright” I said finally, flitting my eyes away from his and looking back down at my text book, I pushed the ball of emotion down and began pretending to do an activity

“You think I haven’t tried already?” he shot back, perhaps a little too passionately. I looked around the class to check if anyone else had heard, but no one was looking over at us, except for Louise. When she noticed me looking she quickly moved her head back out of my line of vision, back to Ryan. I shook my head, wondering what she was thinking.

“Can you stay behind after class, I need to talk to you about something” Matt asked, softly. I closed my eyes, if I stayed here, I was asking for trouble. I’d throw myself at him again in all probability and he didn’t deserve me to attempt to ruin his career while I was on my way to a complete breakdown. None the less I found myself nodding when I meant to say no.

At the end of class I told Louise and Ryan I’d catch the bus, and I stayed in the classroom while it emptied out walking and sitting back at my desk. I told myself I should go, it was the right thing to do, but my feet wouldn’t move.

Matt walked over to me and sat down beside me

“Things have been weird between us since…” Matt began

“Since the thing we said we’d forget!” I almost yelled, my face flushing. Hypocrite, you’ve not forgotten it.

“Regardless Elliot, things are weird.”

“Mr Cartwright, It’s not weird, its how it should be. We shouldn’t be trying to be friends” I replied motioning back and forth between us.

“There is nothing wrong with us being friends” He argued, his voice getting tense

“A week ago I’d have said the same thing.” I replied, standing finally and walking out the door.

I walked to the bus stop and climbed on to my bus. Jake was down the back so I walked down and sat next to him. When I got home, I walked up the driveway and I unlocked the door. When I walked inside I half expected to see a note on the bench, with instructions from mom. Then I remembered that those notes wouldn’t happen ever again. I felt a stab of pain in my stomach I had to choke the ball of emotion back down again, I wouldn’t cry again, it had to keep it together.

I walked over to the answer machine and listened to the messages. They were mostly from my parents staff, expressing their condolences, and my distant family announcing that they could or could not make the funeral. The one at the end was from my parents attorney asking for me to cal and make an appointment with him in regards to the will. I called Ryan’s mom and let her know as she would be obliged to come with me being my guardian and had her call the attorney. She called back with a scheduled appointment for Monday afternoon.

I walked up stairs and in to my bedroom. I flipped open my laptop and signed in to IM. Ryan was offline, by Louise was there Before I could click on her name to say hello a box popped up from her

Louuuuie – Hey, so um….

Elliebellie – Hey….

Louuuuie – Whats with you and Mr C?

Elliebellie – Nothing. Why?

Louuuuie – Sure didn’t look like that from where I was sitting, I mean he looked like he wanted to ravish you on the desk, who cares about the other students in the class

I frowned… What was she on? He was angry that I was shutting him out from being a friend after all he’d done for me the past few days. That’s all.

Elliebellie – That is ridiculous

Louuuuie – Another thing, I mean seriously how many times do you have to stay behind!

Elliebellie – Drop it, seriously, there is NOTHING there. Besides I think I like that Jake kid

Louuuuie – Really? Well he is kind of cute, and sweet.

No, not really Louise, but saying that was better than admitting right now I was thinking about that kiss between Matt and I again.

Elliebellie – I have to go and organise some music for the funeral, I’ll see you tomorrow

Louuuuie – Love you Babes, I’m here if you need me for anything

Elliebellie – Thanks lou xoxo, mean’s a lot to me.

I logged out of IM, I felt guilty for lying to Louise now, which was adding to my ever climbing pile of guilt.

I walked down stairs and grabbed one of the leftover beers out of the fridge, Stupidly I drank one after another, after another. After 8 of them I felt giddy and numb. I went in to the lounge and flicked the xbox on, and began playing

“Bellie! Hey, you’re back” Gboy said as an invite in to his game popped up

“Fo shoooooo” I slurred

“You’ve been drinking?” He asked laughing

“Just a lil… Been a long week” I replied, momentarily remembering reality.

“Well kick back and lets shoot shit!”

We were playing for a good half hour before Gboy shouted out that MadsCientist had joined.

“Great” I slurred sarcastically “Be right back need a top up”

I stood up and walked into the kitchen, opening the liquor cabinet and grabbing out the tequila.

“Hello my friend” I smiled unscrewing the lid and taking a long drink. It tasted like poison, but I swallowed it none the less and stumbled back in to the lounge.

“Right.. ready!” I said placing my headset back on

“Bellie, you okay” Matt asked

“OMG. STOP Asking me if I am okay…. You freaking stalker!” I yelled in to the headset

“Dude, she’s had a hard week. Let her cool off her own way” gboy suggested wisely

“Man after my own heart there” I mumbled opening the tequila again and taking a swig as the game loaded. Matt didn’t say anything for a few rounds, which suited me and my tequila just fine.

“Hey guys, I’ve got work in the morning, Bellie, take it easy yeah. Hope your week gets better” Gboy said as we finished our fourth round

“It’s only going to get worse unfortunately, but thanks. Me and my tequila thank you.”

“Have a scull for me okay. Night”

“Night.”

Gboy disconnected, and so did I. I knew that if I stayed on matt would say something.

I drained the rest of the tequila bottle before lying down.

I fell asleep soon after only my dreams felt insanely real. I was walking… no stumbling down my street, the cool air hitting my face. After walking around the block I ended up sitting on the road.

“Asphalt angels!” I laughed lying on the asphalt. I could feel it, my dream was so real.

“Elliot!” Matt’s voice yelled in my head, argh, now he was invading my dreams

“Get out of my dreams Matthew Cartwright, I don’t want you here” I yelled

“Elliot, get up! You’re on the road!” The voice came closer

“get out of my dreams…. Get in to my car……” I sang, dancing on my back on the road.

Suddenly I was off the road

“Oh woah… I’m flying!” I laughed, posing like superman. I tried to go higher but I was stuck four or so feet off the groung

“You’re not flying, you’re drunk” Matt’s voice groaned

“Of course I am flying silly, now can you please get out of my dream now” I asked closing my eyes…. Wait was it possible to close your eyes in a dream when your eyes were already closed?

A door opened and light suddenly blinded me, I was inside Matts house

“Why did I fly in here?” I asked aloud, trying to turn my body and fly the other way

I landed on a bed, a soft cushy one that smelt like Matt. I sunk my head in to the pillow and inhaled his smell.

“I’ll give you one thing dream Matt… you smell really good”

Suddenly I had Matt in my line of vision, he was wearing a singlet, I could see the tattoo, it was of a phoenix, I reached my hand out to touch it and his skin felt so real,

“So beautiful” I murmured, using my fingers to trace the outline of the tattoo

“How much did you drink Ellie?”

“8 beers, half a bottle of tequila…. Its okay, I’m asleep Mr C.”

“Elliot, you’re not asleep.” He said again

Why did he keep saying that, I remember lying down and then I was walking down the street. I was dreaming.

“Pinch me then!” I said defiantly, Matt took his hand and placed it on my hand that was still tracing his tattoo, he took his thumb and index finger and pinched me… and I felt it.

“Ouch!” I groaned, pulling my hand back to my chest, rubbing it.

“See, awake”

I frowned and kicked my shoes off.

“I thought I was having a really vivid dream” I mumbled sadly

“I figured that when you said you were flying”

“It really felt like I was flying” I giggled rolling around the soft bed.

“Ellie, how about you sleep here, I’d feel a lot better knowing you’re not likely to sleep on the road”

“I’m not a child!” I yelled, attempting to sit up and fight, but my head was spinning far to much for me to even contemplate it. I lay down and closed my eyes. Matt pulled the covers over the top of me and I felt a hand rest on my shoulder “I know Ellie” he whispered beside my head, his lips pressing ever so gently on my forehead.