I looked over at Matt and because he was sitting so close I could see the tattoo with better clarity than I had seen last night when I was totalled. It was stunning. I wanted to touch it again.

“When did you get that?” I asked pointing to the phoenix

“When I was 19” he said sadly, obviously the tattoo meant something personal to him “You know how I mentioned my mom? How she cotton balled me and my sister after my dad died. Well, When I was 18 and Jeanie was 12 she… She killed herself. I became Jeanie’s guardian and that year was hard, by the time I turned 19, I felt like I was rising from the ashes, picking up the pieces, so to speak.”

Matt stopped talking and I was suddenly aware of my tears streaming down my eyes. I’d had no idea his mom had passed away too. He didn’t want to share to much, because it was obvious it made him emotional still, I could see his own tears threatening to surface, but before they could roll down his cheeks he blinked them away.

His eyes met with mine and softened when he noticed the tears I still hadn’t wiped away. He put the coffee mug down on the coffee table and moved off the ottoman and knelt in front of me. He used the edge of his thumb to wipe away the tears under my right eye, and then my left

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry” he whispered, his hand lingering on the side of my face. My stomach turned again, but this time it was a good feeling, and part of me wanted to leap forward and press my lips to Matt’s and forget everything, be blissfully unaware of real life.

Matt suddenly realised our proximity and awkwardly stood up and walked away in to the kitchen, I already missed the feel of his hand on my face.

“I think I’d like to do that” I mused running my fingers over where matts had just been. “Get a tattoo I mean”

Matt walked back into the lounge and sat back down on the ottoman.

“I’ll come with you if you like” He grinned

I smiled back, and nodded. So much for avoiding his friendship, He was like the plague. One touch and I was back to being a zombie. I’d never been like this before when it came to guys. I’d never found myself wistfully staring at them, willing them to touch me, but for some reason, from that first time I’d met Matt in the classroom, something drew me to him. Why did my first crush have to be on a teacher?

“So, I need a shower, and my contacts.” I said shuffling the blanket off me, I had to get out of here.

“I’ll run over and get your contacts, go have a shower”

“You’re not going to let me leave are you Matt?”

Matt’s head shot up and he smiled “It’s nice to hear you call me Matt again”

“You didn’t answer my question… Should I consider myself abducted?” I whispered, feigning shock and fear

“Yes, you should. Now go shower” He joked as I stood up, and began to make my way down the hall. “Towels are in there in the cupboard”

I walked into his bathroom and shut the door behind me. I jumped back as I turned around greeted by myself in front of a large mirror. I walked a little closer and sighed. I looked like a mess. My hair technically down, but so ratty that it felt like it was tied up. MY face was tired and my eyes were bloodshot. I looked down at my attire and bit my lip. I’d walked around the block like this, I’d laid down on the road like this, Matt had lifted me up and carried me like this. I was wearing a black singlet, with a bra (Thank god!) and my boy leg underwear… and that was literally it.

I must have stripped before my drunken walk. I sighed at my stupidity. My parents were dead and all I was doing was drinking myself silly and drooling all over my teacher. What an awesome person I am.

I walked over to the shower and turned the nozzle on to hot. I stripped my clothes off and hopped in to the water once steam began to rise over the glass door. I let the water run down my body, for a while, it was soothing, relaxing, and it was helping my head, or was that the advil Matt had given me. I washed my hair using Matts shampoo and conditioner and as it ran smooth I took a strand and waved it under my nose, it was a pleasing scent and I couldn’t help but smile that now part of me smelt like him. I washed myself with the body wash and then hopped out.

It occurred to me as I dried myself that I had nothing to put on in the way of clothing, I hadn’t been wearing any. I opened the door and called out Matt’s name, but there was no reply. So I wrapped the towel around me and tiptoed out, in the hopes that maybe I’d actually been walking in clothes and sometime in the night I’d stripped off… I walked into Matt’s bedroom and scoured the floors. Nothing. Sighing I went to walk back out of the room and to the bathroom. But as I did so, I bumped in to Matt.

Heat instantly rose on my cheeks. This situation just kept getting worse and worse.

“UH, I was looking for my clothes” I mumbled looking at the floor, embarrassed as all hell.

“They’re over the road… on the steps… I uh. I grabbed you some stuff from your room when I got the contacts” He replied, sounding more confident than anything, there was even a hint of laughter to his voice. I looked up and he was looking at me, and not just my face. I took the clothes and contacts box from his hands and held them tightly to my chest.

“Are you perving at all of this Matthew” I joked, grinning, the embarrassment slowly diminishing.

“You should go and get dressed” he warned, his smile fading, his eyes becoming darker. He turned and walked out of the hallway and in to his lounge.

I walked back to the bathroom and put the clothes on the cabinet. I put my underwear on, and then my jeans and t-shirt. I stood in front of the mirror and eventually got the contacts in after three try’s. I then used the towel to dry my hair as much as possible and then placed it in the laundry hamper. I folded my dirty clothes up and walked out of the bathroom and back down in to the lounge. Matt was sitting back down on the ottoman.

“You sure your girlfriend won’t mind you touching another woman’s underwear” I teased, referring to the fact Matthew had grabbed clothes for me. His face went bright red and he ran his hand through his hair. I put my folded up ‘clothes’ on the corner of the couch and sat back down.

“I don’t have a girlfriend” He finally replied

“Oh, the photo… in your room…” I said a little confused

“That’s Jeanie, she’s at college” He smirked “Were you jealous?”

It was my turn to blush, but it was the worst time for it to happen.

“no” I managed to reply meekly

“Yeah you were, Its okay… I know I’m hot and sexy… of course you’d be jealous” He laughed striking a pose.

“You’re very sure of yourself” I mused, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

“When you look this good… well, nothing else needs to be said” he grinned, running his hands down his body. I flicked my eyes away. I felt uncomfortable, but not because any of this was awkward in any way, but because I liked it. I grabbed my cup of the coffee table, stood up then walked in to the kitchen. I placed the cup on the bench.

“You hungry?” Matt asked walking in to the kitchen behind me

“Yeah, a little” I replied resting my hand on my stomach, it began groaning in response, reminding me I’d had little more than a sandwich in 5 days.

“Shall we make blueberry pancakes?” Matt suggested standing in front of his pantry doors.

It was like a switch went off, I fell to the ground and began sobbing uncontrollably. The last time I’d seen them, talked to them, we’d had blueberry pancakes, it had been the only time in years I’d felt like we were a family, I’d never have the chance again to feel like that. I felt Matts arms pull me in to him, my head rest on his chest and I could feel his warmth against my face. He must think I am crazy. Crying at the mention of a breakfast food. His hands brushed through my hair and I felt his lips press down on my head. I closed my eyes, not even trying to stop the flow of tears, but naturally letting my emotions out.

“The last day…. They were here in the morning. We ate breakfast together, pancakes” I explained, my breathing haywire because of the crying. I looked up at Matt and was surprised to see how close we really were to one another. When our eyes connected and I felt the ever familiar flip in my stomach I looked away, but this time Matt brought my face back gently with his hand. His hand cupped my cheek for a few seconds, before slowly moving down, his thumb grazing my lips. My heart sped up and I felt like I was forgetting to breath. Matt drew his face closer to mine, and we kissed. a sharp powerful jolt of electricity ran through my veins and all my inhibitions flew out the window. I wrapped my arms around Matt’s neck. I felt like nothing else even existed in the world only me and him and it was a place I liked being. All to soon he pulled himself from me, and stood up.

“Shit” He said to himself, pacing the floor. Racked with guilt I got up without a word and ran out of the kitchen and through the lounge grabbing my things as I went. This time I had to keep the distance. Maybe now he’d understand.

I ran home, and leant against the door as I closed it behind me. My lips still tingled from our kiss and it took all the power I had not to go and do it again. Matt didn’t come over the rest of the day, and I tried to keep myself occupied by catching up on homework, and writing my eulogy for the funeral. Once school had finished I went up stairs and logged in, waiting for Louise and Ryan.

Louuuuie – You’re here! You were sick today…. Actually so was Mr C

Elliebellie – Please don’t read anything in to it

Ryryguy – OMG don’t start on that again lou

Louuuuie – Just saying, it’s a bit coincentendal

Elliebellie – It’s a coincidence I promise you, I just drank to much last night.”

Louuuuie – You should have called, we’d have kept you company

Elliebellie – I know, I will next time I promise.

Ryryguy – Hey JAKE! Glad you came on!

Jakey – Hey guys, hey Ellie, missed you at school today

Elliebellie – I was a little crook

Jakey – Hope you’re feeling a little better now?

Elliebellie – Yeah, thanks. Feel fine now actually

Jakey – What are you up to now?

Elliebellie – Nothing, distracting myself from all the obvious

Jakey – Feel like a visitor?

It was then I realise the notable absence of both Ryan and Louise, who had both left the conversation, It smelt like a set up. I looked out the window at Matt’s house and made the decision to distract myself even more with Jake.

Elliebellie – Sure.

Jakey – I’ll drive over now

I signed out of IM and closed my laptop.

I walked downstairs and in to the kitchen. I flicked the jug on as I grabbed out two coffee mugs. I was pouring the hot water in to the mugs when there was a knock at the door. I put the jug down and opened the door

“Hey Jak… Oh Matt” I said, surprised.

“You expecting someone?” he asked, he held something in his hands a sketch, I couldn’t quite see what it was of though.

“Jake’s coming over, whats that?” I asked pointing to the paper, Matt shoved it in to his pocket and took a step back, he ran his hands through his hair and shrugged

“Its uh, its nothing. I better go” he starting walking back down across the lawn and just as he got to the road, Jake’s car pulled into my driveway. Jake hopped out of the car and walked up the path to my front door

“Hey”

“Hey Jake” I smiled

“Was uh, was that Mr cartwright?” he asked, furrowing his brow, he looked a little confused.

“It sure was, out of all the houses for a teacher to move in to, he chooses one across the street from mine. Lucky me huh” I said sarcastically. “Hey, how come you have a car… but catch the bus?”

“well all the girls at school would probably think you are pretty lucky, oh and I was grounded for a while, I lost my car privileges for missing curfew to many times” he laughed following me in to the house. I walked into the kitchen and picked up one of the mugs, handing it to Jake.

“So Ryan and Louise have been egging me on to do something today” Jake said sheepishly, a shy smile on his face, his eyes looked in to mine, glistening expectantly.

“Oh?” I replied, a small pit of worry forming. I’d told them I liked Jake to get them off my back about Matt. He seemed like a nice guy, and he was really sweet but I just didn’t like him that way. I prayed they’d done something else, anything.

“They told me to ask you out” he said, looking down at the edge of his mug “I said that you probably would say no, you’ve got so much going on right now, and dating is probably the last thing you want to be doing” He began to ramble, and it made me smile, Being the girlfriend of a fellow student for a while didn’t seem like a terrible idea, maybe I’d even learn to like him like that.

“Yeah, I’d like that” I found myself saying.

Something told me, that this was a very bad idea.

I went back to school the next day and all in all I felt much better about it, Jake had decided to pick me up in the morning, and he stopped just as Matt walked out to his car. He looked over at me and then hopped into his car. There was nothing on his face, no frown, no smile. Just blank and I hated it.

We drove to school and once there, Louise was going nuts about us both having boyfriends, and how grown up we were and that in a couple of weeks we should plan a double date, and I felt myself wanting to run for Matt. He was where my heart was.

Ha ha ha Psycho. You love the guy. Turns out you’re the moron.

The realisation hit me square in the gut. I was in love with Matt.

I looked over at Jake and guilt ran through me, what the hell was I doing with my life?

My classes were okay, no more interesting than normal but nothing worse than what I was used to. At lunch time I headed to the cafeteria and met up with Ryan louise and Jake. I sat down with my tray.

“Settle an argument for the boys Ellie” Louise said

“okay?” I asked, waiting for my choice. Jake put his arm over my shoulder and then said

“PB and J or fluffy nut”

I looked out the window, and shrugged, I didn’t really like either all that much, but the idea of marshmallow fluff and peanut butter made me feel sick so I answered with PB and J.

“Aha! Told you I was right” Jake laughed “Thanks babe!” He pressed a peck upon my lips, and I was a little shocked. I was stunned for a minute before there was a tap on my shoulder.

“Miss Andrews, Mr Jones. No PDA in the cafeteria please. People are trying to eat” came Matt’s voice from behind me. My stomach dropped and I turned slowly to look at him, his eyes looked in mine and I couldn’t read them, couldn’t tell what he was thinking

“Sorry sir, won’t happen again” Jake replied dutifully.

“Good” he murmured, walking away.

“What a jerk, it was barely a peck” Jake groaned

After lunch Jake and I made our way to music. The class was actually pretty fun because we had free run of it. Jake, one of the drummer girls and I jammed out on the instruments the entire time. I remembered how good it felt to let my steam off through music, rather than through kissing teachers. In science, Matt wouldn’t look me in the eye. It seemed he was upset with me and I couldn’t figure out why. After class Jake dropped me off at home.

“Seeya tomorrow babe!” he said as he pulled out of the driveway. I waved him off, and then walked inside. The next day at school was much the same, only I was much more vacant. I felt like I was running on auto pilot. Matt wasn’t in Science either, and we had some boring old substitute.

Jake dropped me off at home, and asked if I wanted him to come with me to my parents Funeral. It stumped me, because I felt like I should want him to be there for support, but I didn’t. The only person I wanted for support was being weird with me and I didn’t want to ask him.

I told Jake I’d be okay but that maybe he could come over afterward.

He left a little while later and I went out to check the mail. There was a letter from my parents attorney addressed to me and Ryan’s mom. I opened it, and it was confirming the appointment on Monday. I stuffed it back in the envelope and looked over at Matts. To my surprise he came walking out of his house topless, wearing only his track pants. Stop perving psycho.

I went to look away only for searing jealousy to soar through me. A girl followed after him, tall and blonde, she was stylish and looked like she’d walked out of a photoshoot. She leant in to Matt for a kiss, and he was only to obliging to pull her in close to his chest and give her one. I knew I shouldn’t be staring, that I should’ve turned and walked away but my feet were glued to the spot.

“Bye bye Matt honey, don’t leave it so long next time babe” she shrilled scurrying to her car. Matt didn’t say anything, instead he walked over to the car door, leant in and kissed the girl again.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had no right to feel this way, to feel betrayed. But I did. I’d known Matt a week and here I was, head over heels in unrequited love with him. I’d finally turned in to every other girl at school.

I forced myself to turn around and walk up the driveway, Matt was free to see… or sleep with who he wanted and I had no right being jealous.

When I was back inside the house I organised the photos for the funeral, the director was coming to collect them at 5pm and then everything was ready. A few great Aunts and Uncles were flying in for the day and flying back out. Apart from the staff at the restaurant, Ryan’s family, Louise’s family and myself… I didn’t anticipate many people. They were far to busy.

After the director came and collected the photos I made soup for dinner, had a shower and sat down to eat. Before I had a chance to put a spoonful in my mouth there was a knock at the door. I placed the spoon back in the bowl and stood up. I walked to the door and opened it. Matt stood behind it.

“Did you need any help tomorrow?” He asked without even saying Hi. I wanted to say him just being there would be a help, but I couldn’t. Especially not now. I shook my head in reply.

“Okay, bye” he replied, his tone sounding cold and completely unlike him.

“Why are you here?” I asked without thinking “I mean you’ve clearly got better things to be doing considering you took the entire day off work to sleep around”

My hand flew up to my mouth and I managed to conceal a gasp, had I really just said that.

“I was trying to be a friend” He said in a defensive tone “as for the other thing, I’m not really sure that is any of your business”

“Fine, well just so we are clear, I don’t need any more friends.”

I didn’t wait for Matt to say anything else, instead I shut the door. My heart sunk and I felt terrible, like I had shut the door on something amazing.