It's about eight fifteen, and the sun is beginning to sink into the other part of the earth. The scorching heat has surrendered to the blowing wind and stars have gathered to welcome me to these hours of comfort and relaxation. It's glorious.
I am sitting in my dark room, where even a ticking has a feeling of a heart beat at rest. The air is moving like cool water and the aroma of scented candles has spread its wings for flight.
Despite these comforts i ride the bus alone, walk back home alone. But when i see a girl with her lover, laughing in the sun, I realise that even though i like being alone, I don't fancy being alone. It is like I am sinking deeper and deeper within my own music. Everything and everyone shows me that all will be okay, and he will return soon, but I'm anxious.
Though I appear calm, my sad eyes are saying far more than "Help me," they are saying that my soul is in such unbearable pain and all for the lack of his presence. I am all amped up with no escape.
It's been two long years, three months, and nine days, since the day he departed for London. I still remember that evening when he informed me that he was going to elapse to London for further studies. He had got admitted in London business school, one of the prestigious business school ranking highly in Bloomberg businessweek ranking. My eyes froze like the surface of a winter puddle, robbing them of their usual warmth. His words splintered inside me causing more pain than the cancer. He was telling me that there will be no more walks in the park, no more birthdays at the bowling alley and I won't see him more often. This was tears and pain, I didn't ask for - it just arrived like the gift I never wanted.
In this dark, comfortless and gloomy view I can barely formulate a thought. I curl my fingers around the thin fabric of my top, waving it in and out waiting for his call. He's late.
Waiting has become a little simple for me now because I am fortunate to have found a person who has allowed me to be myself and shaped me in ways that no one could ever do. Loves me when I am at my best, but loves me even more when I am drowned. He looks at me in a way that only he knows what I am thinking. He understands my silence and reads my tears. I can walk miles with him without thinking, as if the world is ending. I miss him. I miss the bossy, dictatorial hunk, who owns my heart and possess the magic to be lovable and evil at the same time. I hope he can be right by my side, holding my hand, standing close to me and I again submerge in his dark black eyes on my this birthday.
I stare at the phone with earnest gaze, which has endured the silence between two people and which holds thousands of memories. Not just the hundreds of pictures that tell our story, but in my music, in the text messages and the ones I have never sent, in my voice memos, in the games I play to pass the time away while waiting to hear from him, in the way my ear presses against the glass just to hear his voice, but most of all, in all the silence of our slightly opened lips desperately begging it to just say how we really feel for each other.
While sitting tight and awaiting his call a message beeped from nowhere and I pounced to peruse it.
From: My world
Hie baby, hope you had a great day today. I am a little busy with my project now. Call you in an hour.
Love you baby. Miss you. ❤️
This message, clearly indicated that my longing to hear his voice and know how he was, and whether his day is going well is stretched for one more hour. A bit of disappointment started soaking me in and with a dejected heart I type
To: My world
It's OK my love. No problem. I will wait to hear from you. And ya, my day went well as usual.
Love you too my love. Miss you. 💋
While waiting in this hopelessly dark room for his call, I walk to the window and gaze at the sparkled and mysterious material called stars, which blinked and flickered away, yet returned like rogues hiding away in the shadows. They delivered a message that no matter what planet, what galaxy or what universe any small creature may be on, those fiery lights streaking across the skies in diffusing blue streaks will always be there. In the same way, no matter how long it takes, and how long I have to wait, he will return one day, just like every bird, who will return to its nest at the end of the day, he will also come back to me soon like really soon. And this hope got me back to being peppy, dynamic and enthusiastic.
Forty five minutes after the message, my phone buzzed and I received the call in no time.
"Hi baby, how are you?" hearing his commanding and husky voice after such a long day at work, my heart skipped a beat and butterflies started doing tango in my stomach.
"I am fine, and how are you.." I replied
"I am also good.. I miss you a lot my love. I always feel your presence around me, as if you are somewhere near and watching over me." I could feel the steam of loneliness in him as he voiced out his feelings
"I also feel the same. Since the day you left, emptiness has embraced me in its arms." my eyes turning red and tears rolling down my cheeks
"Don't cry baby, you know I cannot endure to see you cry. I will burn down the world even if a drop of tear fills your eyes."
As I hear him say this, I cannot hold my compose and I start sobbing profusely into my hands, and tears drip between my fingers as if drained of all hopes. My breathing is irregular, gasping and strength leaves my legs. I cry until tears stop flowing but still emptiness and sorrow remain.
"Listen to me, my love, I need you to stop crying now and get the hold of yourself. Don't you remember the promise you made me before I left?"
I suddenly remember the words of my promise essay that said, "I will not cry and make his stay away from me and his family all the more difficult than it already is. I will take care of myself and not stress with anything that can drain the energy in my body. I will have my meals on time, spend my days with a smile, laugh and giggle with friends, enjoy outings on weekends, and miss him daily" I begin to wipe my tears and I can feel the air of relief submerging him.
"Yes, I remember and don't worry I won't detach from my promise"
"I know, and I am happy about it"
"Anyways, how is your project going and when should I expect your return? " I ask even though I am confident that his return is not going to be on or before my birthday
"I have my final exams starting from next week and two weeks later the results will be out, may be after that," hearing this darkness began to spread through my mind, and clouding my thoughts.
"Baby, are you doing good? Do you want me to hear you out?"
"Yes, my love I am fine and all is good, nothing for you to worry. I am just desperately waiting for you to return, so that I can smell your scent near me, I can see the liveliness in your eyes and rejoice in it, I can hold your hand in mine and feel complete."
"Me too. Now don't be awake so long, go to bed and have a tight sleep."
"I am not sleepy yet, we can talk"
"No, you will disconnect the call now, and walk to your dreamland" he orders
"Bossy and mercurial as always" I murmur
"I have heard what you just whispered and thank you for these appreciative words. Now we talk tomorrow and you need to sleep."
"Okay, Mr. Hitler, good night, miss you and love you till the level of infinity" I reply
"Love you too, good night"
We disconnect the call, and I replay the conversation again in my brain, feeling it as a blanket of warmth and my daily dose of drug until my eyes start feeling heavier and heavier and my body dragging me into the shadowy world of dreams in less than a minute when I am fast asleep.