I was sitting in the passenger seat in her car, listening to the beat of my heartbeat thudding loudly on my chest. I didn’t know what was the worst: being eleven and a father or celebrating my 12th birthday being a father. I let my heart to sink to the bottom of my dignity and Georgina’s dream float on the guilt we did. I wanted to put the blame to someone: my brother made me watched some porn movies with him in his room and taught me the positions and how to do it without telling me that sex was how babies made. I never thought that I would be so stupid without being curious how babies were made. Also, I wanted to blame Georgina, but how can I blame her? I wanted to know how that happened but I guess I already know the answer. She clutched her skirt into a ball of fist. Without seeing her face I could feel she was trying to stop her tears. And then I just wanted to escape from my reality but Georgina spoke to me that brought me back inside her car.

“Don’t worry Davin, I am not here for your support. I know you’re just a child you don’t need to be a father to this child.” said Georgina.

I looked at her in disbelief. What was the meaning of that? What I was doing here?

“If you don’t like my support then what am I doing here?” I asked.

She kept looking at the road blinking her tears away. “Keeping it to you will make things worse than it already is. Besides, I know you’re going to hate me if you’ll find out I keep it to you, won’t you?”

“I’m only eleven, Georg.” I whispered.

I kicked the dashboard in my frustrated tantrum. I didn’t know what she was thinking then I brushed my face with my hands up and down in my frustrations. She released a huge breath then she finally looked at me with a crystal tears in her eyes like she doesn’t want to say what she was about to say.

“Besides,” she started. “I… was… thinking… of… abortion.” She said sobbing every word like she doesn’t want to say those last words.

“What is abortion?” I asked her immediately.

“It…. me… means… killing the baby inside the womb.” Her voice was muffled with her sob while saying those words.

There were a lot of things Georgina thought me in those short times I met her. Before sex then abortion. I ran back on the thought of pregnancy, how did that happened? I was just a kid with full of dreams and plans. She was just also a kid with opportunities upheld with her and that time it all got destroyed by the hunger of our body I didn’t know how to escape but do I really wanted to escape? I only longed for love because it was a long gone with the burial of our mother. I didn’t know what Georgina’s purpose of those nights with me or she was just looking for the love of my brother after they broke up. I didn’t know if I was an innocent victim. She looked at me then cried again, she kept on crying I don’t know when will she stopped crying. She then covered her face with her palms her whole body shaking with her sob. I looked at her in disbelief, how can the woman I once admired her with her strong personality in just a matter of months her strength became a shallow disgusting insult to the life we both didn’t asked for then just to blame it to the innocent human inside of her.

“Why would you have to do that? Do… do you want to do that?” I asked her furrowing my eyebrows.

“Davin, it’s just a thought. I don’t want to do it. I was…” she didn’t follow that sentence and then she looked at the road again.

“I can’t believe you, Georgina. That’s a stupid idea of yours.”

“I think it’s better than sacrificing our dreams!” she yelled at me.

“How can you think giving birth is a sacrifice besides, that baby inside of you is innocent?!” I yelled back. “Do you have a dream?”

“How dare you, Davin! You didn’t know what kind of life my mother gave to me just because I was just an accident, it was not my choice to be born, either. Ju… just like this baby.” She yelled at me.

“That’s why you didn’t want to raise that because you’re thinking that will thank you for killing him before giving him a life in its own? Don’t you think he will be just like you grieving for the life your mother gave to you?”

She looked at me in disbelief, broken, and lost, I knew that kind of look on her face: she questioned her worth being a mother, even doubt herself if she wanted to be a mother a question that she never asked for. I knew I was not yet ready to be a father but sitting on her car and fueling the sin in her mind was worse than running away. She started the car and left that motel parking lot.

“It’s not my final decision, Davin. It’s just a thought.” She looked at me. “I don’t have a dream but I’ll make sure to raise a wonderful child with or without you.” she said with bitterness in her voice.

“Next week would be my 12th birthday, I’m not ready to be a parent.” I held her hand holding the steering wheel. “Thank you for not keeping the baby.”

She cried in silence and I let her cry while driving back. I didn’t know why the road was longer on the way back than it was when we got there. And silence was killing me than the usual, silence usually calm me but remembering that day it was hard to be calm. I looked at the sky on the ride home it didn’t impressed me than it was used to be, it emitted a pinkish and orangey light glowing in the cloudy sky that used to awed me but it never did on that darken day pitying the two kids in the car, collecting for our debt in hell for the sin of our selfishness that we did. Georgina didn’t stopped crying until we got on our street. I didn’t looked at her I just heard her sniffed. She turned on the radio trying to subside the feelings in our chest, it helped a little. I wanted to open her skull and dissect her brain just to read what was on her mind, I didn’t know if she can meant what she said but I hoped she would give birth to the innocent baby. Will she? She was kind, the way I knew her but this version of her - I didn’t know what sin she could do. When she turned to our block, she parked the car further to our house. I didn’t wait for her explanation – I understood why she did that, I unbuckled the seat belt reading her cue when she turned off the car. I looked at her one more time.

“I’m not yet ready either, Davin. I’m only 18 years old. Don’t be a selfish!” she said in clenched teeth.

I knew I saw her smirk flushed on her beautiful face, she didn’t looked at me when I thanked her and hopped out to her car. When I closed the door she started the car without looking at me and drive away. I stood on that street for five more minutes. The rain fell and before I realized it was raining I was already soaking in the rain dripping all over me. While standing in the rain I questioned more than realizing everything. I thought love only produces life but sin also can do that, if that was a sin. I thought I can forgive myself if I run away to that mistake that I did but I couldn’t, it only lead me to a more complicated road. I thought I can do better if I could be gentle to myself after those nights with her but I only found out I could never be.

“What did I do?” I asked myself knowing I couldn’t answer that because I didn’t know.

“I’m only a kid.” I reminded myself but the damage wouldn’t be done.

I kneeled like a crazy person but am I not going crazy? I knew that I would go crazy after what I found out. Then I tried to pray. Asking God a better answer. After what happened to my mother then another shit happened like it was a domino effect brought in my life.

“God forgive me!” I screamed on top of my lungs looking at the sky for a sign but the sky answered my question by raining harder.

I deceived myself by showing weakness not in front of her, like what she deserved, when I could do that to her so she never made it a looked that she was more miserable between the two of us. Then contorted my body into a ball feeling the pang inside of me. I grew up without a father and I can’t imagine myself doing that to my future child, if I will do that I will be a heartless person but I was only 11 turning 12, what can I do? What choice do I have? The rain stopped but only in my side I looked at my brother holding an umbrella.

“Get up shithead!” he ordered kicking me.

I followed his order and we walked together to the house where Georgina and I had sex months ago, but for me it felt like a hundred years ago, I couldn’t even remember the smell of her scent but it gave me a sick in my stomach. I didn’t know what was going on in my brother’s head but he didn’t asked me what was the hell’s going on in my life. I went to the bathroom and showered for five hours. My life was not a usual 11 years old kid: simple and fun, hoping my life would be a simple puzzle piece I could find the pieces and a perfect life but it was not like that, it was a complicated life - a choice of mine.

After I took a shower I went to my bed looking at the bed where we first had sex, then cried again. I looked at my bed for four seconds after staring at my bed I removed the covers and the blanket and the pillow covers screaming everywhere. Wished I didn’t talked to her, I wished I didn’t kissed her, I wished I didn’t let her in, I wished I didn’t undress her: one mistake is enough but I didn’t learn from my first mistake that lead to another. My brother knocked on my door before I get to the door he opened it peeking from outside.

“Where have you been?” he asked.

“Around.” I simply answered.

“Yeah that’s a good answer. I was worried.” He said but he was not worried.

He picked up the towel lying on the ground and gave it to me. I didn’t realized I was completely naked.

“Food is ready get dress. You disgusting fuck!” he yelled.

He looked at me covering my penis then looked at my messy room before leaving. I felt like a dead man walking around the house who figured out ‘I am dead’ before I died. I picked my pajamas lying around the carpeted floor lifelessly then got down to the stairs like a zombie with my lifeless eyes wide open. My brother was sitting on the diner looked annoyed at me. He stood, running towards me and clenched my collar stupidly thought it could help me. I was supposed to feel scared towards his action but I was not scared nor annoyed at him, instead, I was thinking why he was still at the house when it was already seven in the evening. He should have been already in the bar drinking with his nonsense friends with slut girls snaking on his body – like what he was always referring to those kind of people he wanted to be with instead of me.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” he said in annoyance but I didn’t looked at him instead I pushed him away.

“Leave me alone, kuya.” I mumbled.

“Davin! What the fuck? Are you losing your mind? You look like a mess!” Kuya yelled.

I looked at him with my dead eye laughing like crazy while throwing my head around until he choked my throat but I kept on laughing. I felt the anger and annoyance of my brother but I couldn’t stop laughing. I started coughing but I still keep on laughing then my breathing was becoming shallow through my throat I couldn’t breathe. He let go off of my throat then I gasped for an air until I felt the air through my lungs again.

“I AM losing my mind, kuya. I already did.” I yelled at him.

I started laughing again until my laughter and coughing became a sob. I covered my face with my hand like what Georgina did in the car. I ran back to my room and locked it before he would asked me another question. I heard his footsteps then an excessive banging of the door to my bedroom I ignored him. I heard him cursed. I slept without eating a dinner. I beg for a good life with my eyes close with Jesus’ face in my mind.

When I woke up the next morning, my head was throbbing like I can’t stand and I felt so cold, so I remained lying on my bed I coughed so hard I felt my throat was aching. I knew that I was sick and I was hungry. I heard the footsteps of my brother towards my door then he opened the door without knocking.

“Good morning, dickhead.” He greeted me.

I looked at the clock: 3:00 pm. I didn’t know I could slept forever. Then he went to my bed checking my temperature he left without saying anything. After five minutes he returned with a basin and sat on my bed.

“That’s what you get for kneeling in the rain. You think you’re a raincoat?” he teased.

He put a face towel on my forehead then left my room again and returned with a plate of porridge as soon as he sat on the edge of my bed he shoved a spoonful on my mouth.

“Now, sleep again motherfucker.” Then he left.

I slept for three hours only be awaken by my brother wearing his old jeans and blue t-shirt: I know why he woke me up. He told me my dinner was ready on the dining and my temperature was better than earlier. When he left I checked the clock again on my bedroom and it was 5:30 in the afternoon. Then I slept again. I got awaken with an urged to pee. I forgotten that I was wearing the same pajamas I was wearing from last night. I tried to balanced myself from sitting on my bed, my head was still wrecking me. I put my hands on my back trying to help myself to stand straight but my head was aching so badly at least not like earlier. I tried to support myself by holding on the railing of the stairs when I finished I checked the soup sitting on the table I grabbed a bowl returned to my room holding my dinner. I changed my pajamas with my boxer and sleeveless shirt then slept again. I was awoken again when my stomach was growling: I was hungry. I thought when was the last time I ate but it was when I woke up at three in the afternoon when my brother fed me with porridge and it was already 12 midnight. I sat then sip to my cold soup my brother made for me. I was half asleep eating my soup. I was so tired even I’d spent my day sleeping and lying in bed but I guessed it was because I was ill. After eating I left the plate on my nightstand and slept again.

In my dream I was in the dark looking for the light. I heard the waves of the ocean and the laughter of my mother and brother and a voice of the man I had never met, I guessed it was my father. I slowly opened my eyes and saw them running while I was stuck in the stroller. It was royal blue with an outline of white. Then my mother was laughing with our father, she was so beautiful in her peach one-piece swimsuit, her hair is in ponytail and my father was wearing a black tight swim shorts without a shirt on, mom and dad stopped running with my brother and sat in front of our mom watching my brother running around the shore. I didn’t know why I dreamt about it knowing that I was just a few years old but my mind remembered it.

The next morning I woke up feeling so greasy I just showered in my sweat, it was just a hot summer in the Philippines and it was just so damn bad. Then I realized I was not sick anymore the plate from last night filled with ants and cockroaches I picked it up and ran downstairs to throw the plate in the back door’s trashcan. My brother ran to the bathroom, I grabbed milk and cookies in the refrigerator. My brother came out to the bathroom while zipping his shorts.

“How are you?” he asked.

He grabbed a mug and made himself a coffee. He scratched his head then face me while sipping his hot coffee. He looked tired and sleepless. I guessed my brother accepted his honor to be the useless brother award on that year and getting ready for another year.

“Better.” I replied.

“What happened to you the other day?” he sat across from where I was sitting.

“I don’t know, Kuya. Everything feels awful lately.” I explained.

“Is it about Georgina?” he asked.

I flashed a shocked look at him felt like he read me but I dismissed it seeing he knew nothing about what we talked the other day. I couldn’t just barely thought telling it to him about the pregnancy of Georgina.

“N… no.” I managed to say.

“Okay, if you said so.” He leans forward. “About Georg.”

He sighed then said. “I wanted to get her back.”

I looked at him feeling my heart beating fast inside of my chest. I battled with myself then sipped my milk. Then I thought if I would tell him about the pregnancy? But I didn’t want to, knowing he would be mad at me and from the first place he was mad at me betraying him by sleeping with her ex-girlfriend and now that he was still in love with him and wanted to get back with her what choice I left?

“Do you think she’ll want me back?” he asked looking at me with his innocent face I couldn’t look at him.

“Do you think she’s still in love with me?” another question I didn’t know how to answer.

“I…” I gulped my saliva wishing I could gulp my guilt too. “I gue… guess… so.” I said stuttering.

I fought the guilt and the conscience and the tears. He frowned at me then stood on his chair he looked mad but I tried to push the thought then I kept eating my cookies. He pushed the chair he was sitting then marched towards my seat grabbed the hem of my collar in anger.

“You’re a fucking shit, Davin!” he yelled at me.

Despite of drinking coffee I smelt the alcohol on his breath. I didn’t look at him in the eye in fear to see the hell’s fire in it. I looked at his fists I just noticed the scars on his fist I didn’t know how many times my brother in a fight, as if it mattered, but I thought on that day he never seemed like a person who would be in a large group of people sought fight without a reason because he grew up looking up for me. And I just betrayed him: twice in a matter of four months.

“Hey! Motherfucker I’m talking to you.” he shook me midair. “Look at me!” he ordered.

I look at him in the eye - fear crawled on the back of my neck seeing his eyes. I never thought being that scared towards my brother but I just did. I knew at the very minute of my lovely life my brother could beat me to death, I didn’t know how to protect myself.

“What’s the matter with you, kuya?!” I asked.

“You fucked Georgina and thinking she will get back to me after fucking you?!”

“I…” I tried. “Get me down!”

He never did.

“You tasted her lovely pussy and now you’re expecting she would want my dick again, you mother fuck! Tell me what happened the other day dipshit! Does she offered you another fuck and you regretted fucking her for the third time?! Huh? Or have you fucked fresh pussy?”

I pushed him away bringing me down to the floor. I never thought my brother would range like that. His eyes were red and his breath smelt alcohol his hands were heavy. He was not my brother. I knelt on the wooden floor then looked up to him while he looked down at me like I was an insect he can stepped.

“Why are you so mad?” I begged for an answer.

He just laugh like a demon looking down at me.

“Dad never died in a car accident, Davin.” He knelt down in front of me while laughing and crying.

I was waiting for him to continue what he was saying but he never did.

“What do you mean dad never died in a car accident?” I asked.

He stood and went to the bathroom I wanted an answer but I was sure my brother would not answer me after walking out so I stood and went to mom’s room hoping to look for something. I opened every drawer I found while sniffing my colds and eyes streaming in tears. The first drawer I opened was consisted of mom’s underwear, the second was full of accessories, the third drawer I opened was a drawer with files, I looked at the folders one by one I remembered most of them was about the business my mother used to managed, until it went bankrupt due to mom’s cancer and no one could looked up to it – one day we just found out someone was stealing. I didn’t dig deeper I didn’t know what kind of business my family had. I looked deeper to the other files, some of those were about mom’s medical files that I didn’t bother to open. I saw our birth certificates, my parents’ marriage contract, parents’ death certificate, and other stuffs. I grabbed dad’s death certificate and looked at the information. Based on what they said, or better say based on what they made me believed what I read there was completely different. On that paper it said that dad died in drowning at the beach due to cramps, they told me dad died in a car accident on his way to work. I never heard any stories about him. It was like he died and even his memories died with him: he was completely forgotten. I let the folder fell on my feet landed on the floor then I left mom’s room not closing the door, in my peripheral view I caught my brother peeked from his room.

“You didn’t find anything?” he asked.

I walked closer to his room and leaned my head on the wall.

“Car accident?” I sneakered. “Tell me the truth.”