Mom left the house later than she usually left. She left at 6:30 am. She made sure everything was magically okay: food that I will eat, water dispenser was full, the kitchen sink was clean, the dishes were washed, and the floor was swiped. I just figured out that day that mom was a usual mother I also thought that mom was Over Compulsive. Also, I noticed that she could do those than how it really seemed to be.

I was sitting on the sofa while sipping my hot chocolate looking outside the window, I couldn’t help but thought what happened two weeks ago when Mr. Tim raped me. I didn’t tell anyone about it, I can’t especially mom she wouldn’t understand and maybe even blame me to what happened to me. I didn’t know if someone will going to believe in me but I was scared people will look at me differently. Besides, I didn’t like pity. Mom passed my projects to my teachers and informed me my teachers said it doesn’t mean I can get enough grade to drag my missed attendances. I told her I don’t want to go to school anymore. After telling her about my final decision, I always disregard that topic whenever I knew it would be coming out to her mouth. I never left the house, either. Yesterday Alex was here, she didn’t stayed for four minutes, though I excused her by saying I was sick. I doubted if she believed in it. Just to kill the time I cleaned the house even though I already cleaned it. I tried to bake chocolate cake from the booklet I found and it turned out that lemon is a good alternative for baking powder. I didn’t know why I tried it but the result was actually good. After baking I went to my room and cleaned my messy room. I found out that I liked collecting rubber bands. Way back in my childhood kids usually played outside like: with rubber bands, pebbles, Chinese garter where we count to tens, hopscotch, jumping ropes, and many more. But my friendliness when I was a child left me before turning 11. Those innocent time were my ghost now.

I was six years old when I realized that something was missing in my life: it was a father. During a family day in my school everyone’s asking me where’s my father? What he was doing? What was his job? I didn’t know how to answer those kind of questions that I developed cancer with those and since I never had a male figure in my life I didn’t know how it felt like. I learned how to lie in my own way, telling the person who was asking that my father was an overseas worker in a company and he barely went home. Then one day I asked my mother what is a ‘father’ and where was my father, she replied with ‘he doesn’t want to see us anymore.’ I didn’t dig further in fear to made mom mad. Mom mae me cautious about that matter she made sure I wouldn’t question her about my father by inflicting “Why do I have to raise you when your father left you?!” sentence whenever she was mad at me with a reason that I didn’t know and those dialogue hunt me until my mind made a conclusion that ‘father’ was a bad word for men. I grew up with that mindset. Only changed when I met friends whose father were nicer than my mother.

When I was 14 I fantasized boyfriends who would protect me like a father I never had. Those fantasy came from the idea of novels and pocketbooks that became my possession. Everything in it were enchantingly magical that everyone couldn’t resist. I tried to flirt with guys only to be left crying at night in my bedroom. That was why when I got it I almost couldn’t let it go. That was a dream that came true. I found a notebook filled with poems that I wrote during those days.

I thought I can survive

But the more I tried to ignore it:

The deeper I sink,

The deeper I love,

The deeper I can’t move on.

It’s like an unpredictable situation

Of the gravity pulling me deeper.

I laughed at the poems I read when I was younger. Then I got bored cleaning around. I threw the things I once loved then let my messy room messy. I checked the time: 6:30 pm. Mom would be here any minute. I prepared to cook. Just a minute after I finished cooking mom opened the door.

“I got us this.” She said wiggled the box of Dunkin Donut.

“I baked some chocolate cake.” I said.

“Wow! May I taste it?” she pleaded.

“Sure.” I said wriggling my hand.

“Mmmm.” She moaned with closed eyes. “Wow! Georgina, this is awesome!”

I grin at her. Then we ate the food I prepared.

“You’re a great cook.” Mom said.

“Thanks. I just… got bored.”

“I never thought you can cook.”

“At school… I learned it from school.”

“Speaking of school…” mom begun.

“Mom, don’t start anything about that.” I cut her.

“It’s about your graduation.” She clarified. “Your teachers said that your grades are just passing but you can attend they even called to my office to inform me about that. They asked me how you are. I told them you’re sick.” She shove spoonful of rice then proceed. “They also said next month would be your final exam and you can take it or else you can’t graduate.”

“Mom, can I at least take the exam at home?” I asked.

“That’s impossible, Georgina! There will be no exception. You will go to school next week and take your exam!” mom said. “Besides, it’s only two months. Why can’t you just do that?”

I remained quiet until we finished eating. After dinner I did the chores and retuned to my room to finish cleaning. Mom was seemed happy because the house was clean and I did the chores. I called Alex asking for a favor to talk to our teachers for the final exam.

“Are you going crazy, Georg?” she remarked. “I think no one will allow you to do that. Knowing our teachers.”

“But they like you, Alex.” I said.

“Yeah, but doing it for you?”

“Please.” I pleaded.

“Okay, I’ll do what I can.” she said.

“Thank you.”

“What happened you stopped going to school?” she asked.

“Something happened and I’m sick.”

I lied but it was kind of true. After what Mr. Tim did to me? Who’s not going to get sick after that, right? But I couldn’t said that to Alex. She will probably told me that what happened was alright because he will give me high grades attending his class or not. I can’t do that. I can’t risked what happened for the sake of our friendship.

“Oh, I see. You know I’m always here for you.” she reminded me.

I hung up the phone and went to my room. I finished cleaning. I found photos of Gavin and me, guess what I did? I collected them with the letters he gave me. After filing those I read the letters again, all of it ended with ‘I love you.’ Some with a lies he told that he wanted to grow old with me with seven beautiful children and a house with dogs and cats. Those were just a sugarcoated words that I once held on. I went outside and burned the letters from Gavin and pictures with him. That was the first move. After burning those I looked up the sky and got mesmerize about the twinkling stars and the brightest glow of the moon that night. I closed my eyes and breath the smell of summer even summer was one and half month ahead. The scent of the summer roams around the corner of the sky. I remembered the first poem I wrote for Gavin.

Under the moonlight;

Ash colored clouds during that night,

A dew drops from heaven,

Sweet air kissed my skin.

You were standing in front of me

Like a little kid afraid to be seen

The mistake of speaking

And confessing the real feelings of your heart.

I feel the sweet act of love.

I question the situation from above.

Seen the invisible connection but my stupidity attack

Acting like an innocent baby girl.

Mom peeked at the door. She was already wearing her pajamas.

“What are you doing there?” she asked.

“Nothing.” I smiled.

I can’t sleep even though I tried different position on my bed and I even tried to sleep on the floor and on the sofa but still my mind was so noisy. Then I returned to my bed be able to finally slept in the middle of the night after one.

It was a week before my graduation and I literally, completely, illegally, incredibly, ditched school after I was raped by the monster who took students like a puppet toy. Alex called me three days after the final exam and told me that she did everything so the teachers will give me an exception but she said as long as it wasn’t me facing them they can’t give me special project. Mom said that she received calls from my teachers in her office, she also begged my teachers for special projects but their replied were the same: “Let your daughter talk to us.”

Graduation was nothing, diploma was just an accessory.

I also received a call from the Principal, if only I knew that the ringing of the telephone was from him I know better than to answer it.

“Ms. Dizon, I’m begging you to report here in school today after lunch. It is insanely a week after the graduation and you’re not showing up!” he said.

“Should I go straight to your office with the face of my teachers?” I asked.

“Just me. I promise you, whatever happened that affect your attitude won’t be question to you.” he promised.

Then I remembered what Mr. Tim did to me: the reason of my absence. I jumped from the sofa. My heart was thudding so hard that suffocating me. I couldn’t breathe properly then I noticed that my hands were shaking. I calmed myself for ten seconds.

“Is it okay if Ms. Baylon would be there?” I requested.

“Anything for you.”

And because I felt sick every day it took me forever to prepare. I was sitting in my bed looking at my reflection in front of the mirror brushing my hair: I looked bigger, my breasts felt swollen, and my stomach looked fat. I didn’t felt sad I was anger.

The school had ended so I’d decided to wear my old jeans and a white shirt with a print of a corny joke. Mom told me earlier that I should to see a doctor because she noticed I’d been feeling sick lately, maybe I looked distress she finally suggested that. I grabbed my bag after brushing my hair and double checked everything before locking the front door, I felt I becoming anxious about my security to be like that. At the bus I couldn’t stop myself checking my back and front also the people outside, I felt terribly scared. Especially when I got to the school even the school year just end, as the principal informed me. He said that there will be no students since the diplomas and cards were given to the students but I still felt anxious about it and I couldn’t stopped it. There were only few people at school, just the head teachers, the principal, as he promised Ms. Baylon, and the other teachers that I didn’t know why were there.

“Ms. Dizon, good to see you here.” Mr. Principal greeted me.

“I’m pleased to see you, Georgina.” Ms. Baylon said.

I couldn’t decide if they meant it or they were just being sarcastically annoyed at me.

“Please have a seat.” Mr. Principal instructed.

I sat in front of Mr. Principal and Ms. Baylon. They looked hopeful, for the first time in forever someone held on me that something could lift me up. I didn’t know how to react on that. I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t thank them for what they were looking up to me.

“How are you, Georgina?” Mr. Principal asked.

“It depends on what matter.” I replied.

“Your mother said that you were sick that was why you were absent for a long time.” he explained.

“And missed the graduation.” Ms. Baylon added.

“There’s more important matter in this world than be depress about my absences.” I said.

“Okay, enough for that bad attitude.” Ms. Baylon said.

“Why can’t you just get to the point on why you made me come here?” I responded.

They exchanged glances for three seconds then Mr. Principal explained. I didn’t know what to expect but whenever it comes with me I stopped being expecting.

“Your teachers were impressed about your given special tasks for the missing attendances, for the first weeks, if you remember that we discussed it with your mother. But then about your final exam and another absents you barely passed and without taking your exams... Your friend, Alex, asked some of your teachers for a special exam.” He sighed. “Mr. Tim.”

He stopped then looked at me with pity. I thought for that moment that they knew and will somehow be punished to what he did to me but it was all just a thought. Ms. Baylon left us and returned with an exam papers in her hands that was when I realized I hoped for nothing. And my hopes were gone.

“He said that he did everything to give you a good grade, despite for your absences. But your other teachers told me that you’ll be given an exam and you will take it inside my office.” He explained.

“I’ll be watching you while taking these exams.” She smiles at me.

Mr. Principal left us while she was giving me the papers.

“These exams are different from the exams your classmates taken.” She explained.

The exams were simple, I didn’t know why but it was simple for me. After I took the exams given by Ms. Baylon she asked me why I was absent for two months and half and why I requested for her to be there while the principal asked for a meeting. I didn’t said anything. She promised to keep it a secret but teachers are douchebags and liars so I kept my mouth shut. Then she gave up, she dismissed me by saying someone will call after my teachers checked my exams. She also informed me after calculating my grades and pass all of my subjects they will inform me the release of my ‘already printed’ diploma. I left the school faster than I arrived I didn’t thank the principal nor Ms. Baylon. Mom gave me a lot of money like I would be spending my whole day at the hospital instead for just five minute check-up but instead of going to a doctor I went to the nearest drug store in our block. Not that I was scared of doctors or hospital, I just don’t like the smell of it. The guy in the drug store didn’t look at me when the door opens and the bell rang as I entered.

I cleared my throat. The guy looked at me with his dead eyes. I found him weird, he was not wearing a lab gown and was playing with his Gameboy. I thought I was in a wrong place then I looked around: it was a drugstore.

“It’s not my shift anymore.” Said the guy.

“But I’m already here and you’re still here better give me pills for my dizziness.” I ordered him.

The guy looked at his back then turned to me and smiled.

“There she is.” he said.

The girl in a white coat appeared from his back. The guy went to the girl’s back and put his two hands in her shoulders.

“She will give you the meds you need.” He smiled at me showing his yellowish teeth that annoys the blood in me.

“Don’t mind him. He’s always that kind of annoying.” The girl said.

I looked at her name tag: Joselyn. Her hair was neatly tied in a ponytail showed her flawless face. She has a big glasses that was too big for her nose. She looked so young in her twenties.

“Good to know you found him annoying.” I joked.

She smiled then asked me what I need. I told her being sick every day. Then she asked me if I missed my period. That snapped me into I was so scared to speak. I remembered about Davin and Mr. Tim. I asked myself about my worth if it lain within me. I remembered knowing about that menstruation is important to a woman and if a girl missed it two things are possible: A. the most possible is that being pregnant. B. if a girl is old that means the girl is menopause. I was too young to be menopause and too young to be pregnant. Joselyn snapped her finger. I got startled and looked at her.

“I’m asking if you missed your period.” She repeated her question.

“I… I guessed… I… I am… just… sick…” I said stuttering on the words in my lungs.

“Ms. I am just looking for other cause of your sickness. May I know if you missed your period?” she pushed.

I nodded my head silently.

“Then I guessed you’re pregnant.”

She placed a white box in between us. My hand was shaking taking the box in front of me. I stared at the box in hand for five seconds.

“You know how to use it, right?” Joselyn asked.

I shook my head. “There’s an instruction at the back. How old are you?” she asked in a gentle voice.

“Do you really have to know my age?” I replied. “You’re a bitch!”

Her eyes became gentle. She looked down embarrassed by her question. “If you need a bathroom you can use the bathroom…”

I cut her by paying for the pregnancy test and left the drug store. There was a small clinic few blocks away from the drug store, I pushed the door and the wind chimes alarmed the person inside. Luckily there was no people in the waiting room. The woman in white scrub with a white few hair in a messy updo jumped in shocked.

“M… m… may… I… please… talk to y… you.” I said stuttering in fear.

I knew I looked funny trying not to cry in front of that strange woman. She took pity in me. She left what she was doing before I came in then walked towards me and caressed my hair.

“Sure, young lady.” She said.

Then helped me to sit in the waiting bench and stood again to turn the sign board to close. She held me like a mother did to her daughter the gentle gesture made me want to cry more than the positivity of my pregnancy. She let me cry for half an hour, that was the kind of patient I guessed I couldn’t possessed. I opened the door asked for someone to talk to then just cried in her shoulder? That was pathetic. But this kind of woman I loved to have. I felt the kind of mother love in a strange lady storming in her clinic. I sniffed and wiped my eyes before looking at her.

“Crying is good for the heart and mind.” She said tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Thank you, Doc.” I said.

“So… what brought you hear?” She asked.

“Is… i… is… there at any chance for an 11-year-old boy… get a girl pregnant?” I asked.

She gives me a looked that was not discriminating but a look that made her thought about my question. At those moment I felt I uncover myself to the secret I shouldn’t and wouldn’t want to open up to anyone. Then here I am trusting a stranger. She caressed my shoulder again.

“I guess that’s possible. Boys usually begin puberty at that age, 10 - 14 years old to be exact, then… as soon as they hits puberty they can produce semen that could make a girl pregnant.” She explains.

I covered my face with both of my hands, feeling the humiliation of my actions. I cried again, but shortly. She kisses my forehead and left me crying in the bench. She returned holding a glass of water then offered it to me. I thanked her and drank the water she gave.

“To my opinion, dear you have to tell your problem to your mother. I know I am not in the position but your mom will understand you.” she suggested.

I doubted that she would understand and I didn’t know if I could do that. Based on my mother’s experience raising me, she sacrificed everything. She hated me then loved me. How could I told her that we had the same fate that time? I was getting paranoid and anxiously shaking. The doctor held my hand then I looked at her. She looked at me with those gentle eyes.

“Don’t worry, from now on I will be your friend. Okay? Don’t be scared.” She said.

“I… I… don’t know what to say.” I cried again.

For the third time that day. I just, burst out. I was so frustrated and anxious.

“I haven’t taken the test but… the pharmacist… saw the… she… she saw the… signs.” My voice had gone when I said the last word. Like a wind whispered in the air.

She stood and grabbed my hands and led me to the bathroom of her little clinic. As I waited for the result I cried again and prayed again to the God I’d failed to believe since He stopped caring for me. The doctor gave me coffee and I got ashamed knowing she didn’t know my name after taking good care for my mental health. Neither I, did know her name.

“I am sorry doctor I’d happen not to know your name after being so good to me.” I said.

“I’m Doctor Deborah Arnais.” She introduced herself.

“I’m Geor…” I hesitated for a while but judging her good deed will only made me a bad guy. “Georgina Dizon”

“I know who you are. Your mother were always here in my clinic when you were juuuuust a little.”

I looked at her like she was an angel. She was so kind and gentle. I hugged her and made her promise to keep it as a secret. When we looked at the result it was positive as I suspected. I asked her if I should said it to the father of the baby, then I got startled knowing someone raped me a day after the last time I had sex with Davin. I fire another question to her.

“I have another question.” I said.

“Go ahead.”

“Is it possible to get pregnant even if someone used a condom?”

“It is possible if the condom was broken. But in average statistic 85% condoms are effective.” she explained. “Is there another thing going on behind your question?” she asked.

“N… nothing.” I shrugged off the question.

I left her clinic at 7:00 pm, walked alone to our block. The sky was a thick black without stars and moon. It looked gloomy thus, I felt gloomy. Even though summer was just begun, it was nice a lot of people would be out of town of somewhere with a plan but me I would stay at the house watch TV and get fat until the baby’s due. While walking to the busy street I thought about killing the baby. That would be great I would retain my image, if I still had, stay young, go to college since my mother wanted me to go, no baby in the head of me. That would be pathetic my conscience told me. I would kill innocent with nothing to do but just formed inside of me, go to hell, hated by my mother again, loathe by the church. When I got home my mother was sitting in the dinner table alone. She looked at me and I joins her.

“Have you gone to the doctor?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Have you bought medicine?”

“Mom.” I called out.

She looked at me. “What is it?”

“What happened between you and my supposed father?” I finally asked.

She looked at me in distant. I knew she doesn’t want to say anything about that but the only thing she told me about him was that he left her after finding out she was pregnant. I never asked about my supposed father before.

“Why did you want to know?”

“Just answer my question.”

She looked hesitant but she then she put her spoon and for down and sighed.