We had needed this. It had been a long while since we’d had some quiet time together. I absolutely adored Eloim, but he was demanding a lot of time out of me, and he had been cheered enough to spend all night and morning with his grandparents.

My nerves had broken when we reached that room, alone, and Xander soothed me patiently, then we talked for a long time until he finally indulged in his initial plan. It’s only in the morning that we really saw the bruises, on my legs, elbows and knees, which was where it was worst. It wasn’t as bad as when I fell down the stairs, but it was tender.

Xander looked at them transfixed and angry.

“I’m about done with this shit,” he said while running his hands on my skin, his voice harsh when his hands were soft and delicate. “I’ve been ready to be tolerant with her, understanding, but it can’t go on any further. This is some psycho shit.”

I ran my finger on the side of his face and through his stubble.

“It wasn’t always rose-coloured with her, you know,” he said.

“How so?”

I looked in his eyes. I wanted him to talk to me, but I also wanted him back to his sweet self, rather than this angry man, that gave me the impression he really wanted to punch stuff. I could get his feelings, I can’t say I didn’t feel this way at times either, especially lately, but I also know that the more you delve into anger, the more it takes all the mental space you have. And I much preferred his smart, kind, funny, loving side. I wanted him to give more space to that guy, but for now I just kept my hand on the side of his face, and listened.

“We had our ups and down, but since she’s gotten pregnant there was a lot more downs than ups. She would lose her mind on the smallest of things. After Eloim was born, there was a few weeks when every time he would cry, she just couldn’t stand it, she couldn’t even look at him. She refused to nurse him. She had really wanted kids, but we had struggled, and then when he came, it was like everything was too much.”

“You mentioned before that she had postpartum depression.”

He nodded. “It took so fucking long for things to get better. There were times I thought of giving up, but then I felt like a massive asshole to leave her when she struggled so much, especially after giving birth. But I might have given all my time to either Eloim or work.” He let his head fall back on the mattress and closed his eyes. I rolled on my side and put my head on his shoulder. He ran his fingers up and down on my arm, distractedly. I moved my hand on his chest trying to sooth him.

“What happened after that?”

“I think she resented me for a while. Things started to get better when Eloim was maybe eighteen months old. We hadn’t had sex since the beginning of the pregnancy, she hadn’t worked since then either—not that I wanted her to work, necessarily—but she had been keen on her career and had made me promise not to force her out of it after we’d have children, yet she never found the strength to return to work. She was locked in her own downward spiral and I really tried to help, but after a while, I started to focus more on Eloim than her, I don’t know, maybe a part of me was starting to lose faith. But then she began improving and I thought that we could put all of this behind.

We had promised each other to have at least three kids, but after seeing how hard it had been with her, I was about ready to have a vasectomy.

We talked about leaving Eloim with my parents for a week and leaving for somewhere in the tropics just the two of us, to reconnect. And then she disappeared. I feel bad that the first thing that came to my mind was that either she had run off with him, or committed double suicide.”

“But it was ruled an accident right?”

He nodded and turned to look at me.

“Yeah, it’s not impossible that it wasn’t, but it was a foggy evening, there had been rain not that long before, it was a dark road in the middle of nowhere slithering through the tree, and the car went down a dangerous bend. It’s not the first car to have gone down there either. It took a bloody long time for the county to get some safety railing there. I think there have been at least five deaths in the last fifty years on that stretch of road, so it gives no indication of ever being anything else.”

“You think she had been depressed enough for suicide?”

“I don’t know,” he said in a sigh. “For the first year, I would have said yes, but she had been improving. It took her a long time but she eventually accepted to see a therapist, and after a few months it was getting better.”

“Was Eloim close to her?”

“Not that much. I took care of the diapers, and feeding, and bed time. She tried later, but he was so unused to it that it wouldn’t work. My parents had more facility than her and it frustrated her even more. But I guess not spending much time with your child can do that.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe he just picked on her frustration. Children, like animals, they pick up on a lot more than we give them credits for. If we’re all over the place, it affects them in the end.”

He moved my curls away from him face slowly. “You’re really good with kids.”

“I’ve had practice with my siblings.”

“I’m a single child, so I’m pretty sure I have no idea what it’s like to care for siblings.”

“Is that why you wanted more kids?”

He thought about it. “In part. I loved it here and everything, but being raised in the country side, away from other houses without any siblings can become very lonely at times. My parents were very present, and I get that with the internet age, distance is not the same as it used to be, but I’ve always like the idea of a large household.”

I smiled. “I always liked that idea too.”

There was a small knock on the door.

We pulled the covers over us.

“Yes,” said Xander.

“Mammy says that if you want lunch you have to come down soon otherwise you won’t have any,” came Eloim’s voice through the door, but he didn’t open it. We heard him bounce back to where he came from.

“Regardless of everything that has happened, he’s changed so much in the last few months,” said Xander.

I gave him a peck.

He turned to me thinking this was clearly not enough.

“Lunch,” I reminded him.

He growled, but it was a happy growl, underneath it all.