No Ifs or Buts

"We sometimes think we want to disappear, but all we really want is to be found" – Derek Hough

~Pepper~

I woke up in darkness. The usual. I once told my mother that I was afraid of the dark. She told me to put on my big girl pants and stop being a big baby. I was five at the time.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I frowned when I realized that I was staring at the ceiling of my living room. I tried moving a muscle, but I was too tired to actually move. I made the decision to stay here for the night. I shifted to my other side and closed my eyes to return to my deep slumber when I suddenly remembered why I was sleeping here on the couch instead of my comfortable bed in the first place.

My arms immediately roamed around the sofa by itself. All tiredness washed away. I stood up when I still have not felt my phone. I walked towards the thick curtains and slid it open. Bright light covered my sight, and the image I was crying over last night flashed in my eyes.

My boyfriend making out with my bully. How cliché.

I breathed heavily as I walk back to the sofa and continued the search for my phone. I chucked the pillow to the love seat; I pushed the furniture out of its place and tossed my One Direction blanket to the floor.

Thud.

I sighed in relief and searched through the cloth that was once damped with my tears when the band disbanded years ago. I found my phone, stood up, and looked at the time. It was nine in the morning. I immediately called Spencer.

Three rings later, he picked up the call angrily. "For Christ's sake Pep, why the fuck are you calling me at this hour?"

I swallowed nervously while striding around the room and asked him, "Where were you last night?"

He scoffs. "Are you kidding me? You woke me up just to ask me where I was last night?"

"Where, Spence?" I mumbled, trying my best to not let my voice tremble.

"I told you already," He sighs out his annoyance. "I was at Gerald's party-"

I cut him off with a quick "Where are you now?"

He started grumbling. "I told you already that I'm-" Spencer's sudden pause was a stab in my heart. Because I have a good guess where he is right now.

Gerald, his best friend, is known as the kid who throws a party with alcohol involved. Considering that our graduation is soon, this coming Saturday, I had a feeling that his parties are going to go haywire.

I didn't go with Spencer because I trusted him. He knew that parties aren't my thing and I told him that he can go alone because I trusted him.

I know, I'm stupid.

And the crown of being the queen of stupidity was on my head when an anonymous number sent me a picture of him and Maisey, aka the bully who had hated me way back in middle school (also Spencer's on and off girlfriend), making out in one of the infamous Gerald's Party Corners of his house.

"Spence?" My voice trembled.

"Fuck." He muttered. "Pep, I'm sorry."

I waited for a few moments for him to continue, but that was that. Fuck. Pep, I'm sorry. I mean, what can he say?

Hearing the words "Spencer, come back to bed." from the worst person on the planet had confirmed everything that I needed to know.

I felt my knees give up on me, like how I gave up on myself years ago. I knelt on the ground with my phone on the lap, barely hearing his rambles on the phone.

I knew it was his apologies. I also knew what I had to do.

I hung up.

I inhaled sharply to collect myself and crawled up to the loveseat, picked up the blanket with my toes, curled myself to a tight small cocoon, and instantly started bawling my heart out.

This blanket of mine is my best friend. I called him Juan Dee.

Juan had witnessed all of my heartbreaks since the day I received it as a gift a few years back. The tears he soaked were from the pain of One Direction's disbandment, my parents' divorce, when my first crush called me fat, when my older brother moved out for college, and when my parents continued their own lives, leaving me here in this mansion alone.

Juan was my only friend. And he is a blanket.