Nonetheless

Second Downfall

Gene Yuan

Love is the most wanted emotion. Humans seek it badly, as if it is the only thing that will make them complete, the only thing that can make them happy. But for me, it was something that I wouldn't want to feel again. If love is the only thing that would make me happy, in that case, I would rather be lonely than be a slave of a mere emotion again. For me, love is like a curse that keeps coming back.

When I first experienced love and heartbreak, I tried my hardest to avoid being snared into Cupid's scheme again. I tried my best to avoid being caught up in his trap once more. Not until I met him. Not until I met Achlys Sean, the man who lifted the curse of Eros.

He was the one who made me trust the God of love’s poor archery once again. Sean was the person who made me believe that love is not a tool that Cupid uses to control others. He made me think that falling in love is a beautiful thing. But then why? When I was at my happiest... He broke me.

"In another life, I don't want to be your man."

I don't know how hard I bit my lip to avoid crying in front of him. How fast and unsteady I blinked my eyes when I heard those set of words coming out from his mouth. Those were the same mouth he used to shut me up with a forceful yet passionate kiss during a heated argument. I can't even remember how many times that same mouth of his sent me to Nirvana. And yet now, they literally and figuratively send me to Hades' huge mansion to taunt me for choosing Achlys Sean instead of my dream.

"In another life, I wouldn't make promises that it will forever be us against the world."

I thought that I was unbreakable, invincible. I never once thought of giving up life, despite all the difficulties I faced before we met and even after we dated. However, right at this moment when we should be the happiest...when finally, we are setting off on the right path towards 'our' dream, I was crushed to my defeat. I feel like I was thrown from the moon back to the surface of the earth. His words broke me.

Piece by piece, I shattered. Limb by limb, I was torn apart.

"In another life, I wouldn't make you stay."

I clenched my hands to a fist when I heard those words. My feet won’t leave their place. My mind is filled with questions like, is this the answer to my proposal? Was I asking too much from him? Was it wrong to think that we could move up our relationship?

I wished that his words were just a joke, but the way his dull heterochromatic eyes stared back at me... It's heartbreakingly surreal.

It's like a nightmare. However, this nightmare does not have any means of waking up. I will be forever stuck in this nightmare for years, or maybe a lifetime. Because I've already dedicated my life to him. He’s one of the reasons why I keep looking forward to life, but then he cut it...

My lifeline.

"In another life, I will let you be the one who got away. I won't make a pact with you...I don't even want to meet you. And if I could go back in time, I'd go back to when we first met. To stop me from falling in love with you."

I smiled at his words. But not as painful as what he was expecting it to be.

I never once lied to him. I'm most honest with him. I never lied about my feelings. But not tonight. I'd rather let him see me smile than cry helplessly. I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me hurt.

Not tonight. At least not tonight.

"If I knew love would be like this, I wouldn't chase you. I won't stop you from marrying that woman your dad wanted you to marry. I wouldn't be with you. If I knew that love would make me lose myself... I'd rather not fall in love. Not with you."

Tears fell of their own volition as I made an empty laugh. I didn't want them to, but this pan was too much. I failed with my strong facade. The words coming out from his mouth are like a poisonous knife, stabbing me repeatedly with its old, rusty, and dull blades. Leaving me figuratively out of breath, heartbeats on flat, or simply...

Lifeless.

I didn't sign up for this kind of pain. I didn't choose to stay beside him just to be beaten black and blue. I didn't let myself love him just to feel this excruciating pain that he deliberately throws at me. I didn’t choose him just to be humiliated like this. I admit pain was packaged with love, but this pain was too much. He is hurting me too much. And the most painful thing was there was no remorse in his eyes as he spoke the next set of words that truly and deeply...scar me down to the bone.

"I regret loving you. I regret meeting you. I regret chasing you. We could have been better without each other. I should have stopped when they told me to stop. When I thought of all the things I gave up just to be with you, I realized that I’m really stupid for loving someone like you... I like it better when I'm not with you. No, my life would have been better if I did not involve myself with you."

Speechless, I turned my back and walked away. I heard enough. Maybe I asked too much. Or perhaps I am blinded by love that I failed to see the red flags in our relationship. I overly assured myself that he'd stay with me until the end. That despite all the hurdles we faced in our relationship, he would choose me repeatedly.

Just like how I keep choosing him.

I got in my car, totally devastated and unsteady. I looked back to where I came from, hoping that he would follow me. But he didn’t. For the umpteenth time, I assumed.

I laugh and cry, like a lunatic, cursing the diapered arsehole who introduced love to me again. They say that love is a beautiful thing, that it will make you feel complete. But in reality, love is nothing but a cycle of curses. It was bestowed upon you not by some wicked witch but rather by a bored, merciless, and sly god. That’s right, I’m talking about Cupid, - the God who loves to shoot people with his cruel arrow for amusement - Aphrodite’s son. It was a curse that could not be lifted without his consent. It is a curse that cannot be dispelled by what they call a truelove’s kiss.

Only a true love kiss could wake Aurora, who had slept for a hundred years. Snow White woke up from a death-like sleep after the prince kissed her. And the frog prince changed back to his human form after getting a kiss from the princess. In fairytales, it was easy to dispel a curse. But not in reality, where love is the curse itself. 

Aphrodite’s cruel child will lure you with euphoria and excitement. I was in seventh heaven for the past four years of our relationship. Not until that diapered arsehole grabbed me again at my feet and cruelly dragged me down to hellish realities; a relationship doesn’t last long if the other person regrets loving you. And a relationship between men is fruitless.

With a clouded mind, I stepped on the accelerator and drove with tears in my eyes, not even aware that I was speeding up too much. Blinded by pain, all my senses failed to work and what I have in mind is to drive far away from him... far away from the cause of my second heartbreak. Far from the man who taught me to love deep-rootedly. 

I only slow down when I’m near the intersection. But it seems that luck isn’t on my side when, all of a sudden, a car trying to beat the red light crashes on mine, making me lose control of the steering wheel.

Everything happened so fast, and just like the ending of a tragic movie, the memories that flash in my mind are the times when I am the happiest…when I feel like my heart is about to burst in euphoria.

Play with me, Gene Yuan. Write your story, and I’ll make it a reality.

It was his proposal after he gave me back my lost notebook filled with all my worthless work. Our first encounter.

I'll keep you.

Those are the three words that are better than I love you. The three words that made my heart sway. A phrase that he taught me when I’m lost for words. The words that made me believe in love again. And it was the second time I got entangled in Cupid's trap. The second time I got swayed by mere emotion.

Have you checked yourself in the mirror? When you’re with me, you’re the happiest. I don't give a damn what people will say! What I care about is us. Just us. So, choose me! Pick me instead!

It was his words when he stopped me from meeting Kayla, the woman I intended to marry. The woman my family wanted me to be with. The second time I defied my father. The second time, I let myself be freed from the shackles I put on myself.

No matter how many times you ask me to leave you, I won’t! Never! I will never let you go! You chose me, Gene Yuan! Why would I waste this once-in-a-lifetime chance to be with you after chasing you almost half of my life? You are my partner, the author of my favorite love story…our story. I promised to follow all the plots you have written, but not this one. I won’t leave your side no matter how tough your façade is. I know deep inside you don’t want me to let you go, do you?

These were his words when I tried to push him away so he would stop suffering by my side. I knew how hard it is for him to be patient with me, how hard it is to be with me. How hard it is to see my resemblance to the person who created chaos in his life.

If you leave me again, I’ll follow you even at the end of the world. Without you, Gene…it’s hard to breathe. You are my reason to live. If you abandon me, you’ll cut it…my lifeline.

Tears streamed down my face while I stared back at the moon, which looked like he was gazing at me with pity. Different kinds of noises can be heard, but the only sound I hear is his frantic voice while calling my name in anguish. I saw his terrified expression while the paramedics were carefully placing me on the stretcher. And for the first time tonight, I wanted to laugh because he’s in a mess.

I smiled at him and stared back at the moon. I opened my mouth and tried to speak.

“H-hey, Achlys Sean.” Luckily, I caught my beloved’s attention. He clasped my hand with gentleness, stopping them from moving me inside the ambulance. He lowered his head so he could hear me properly.

I looked at him with sorry eyes.

“The curse...I p-put on y-you...has been l-lifted. G-go now...a-and find your h-happily ever a-after.” Pain and guilt were engraved on his heterochromatic eyes that I loved so much.

He didn't respond. So, slowly and with trembling fingers, I tapped his forehead twice with a smile on my lips and uttered my response to our talk earlier.

"I-I'm sorry."

It was the last set of words I managed to say before I closed my eyes and let myself be drifted by the waves of memories with my second downfall. And as I was slowly losing consciousness, I thought to myself...

Was there even a love that wouldn’t need to defy fate?