Why Can't It Be Me

Aren't we all worth the pity? We do things we love and when we stop doing it, it feels like we are lost again. We don't know what to do. We don't know what we are supposed to do.

"Bro, do you think it fits in me?" I asked Royal, showing off myself to him, then he turned to me with his deep set coffee eyes.

I'm wearing a two-piece dress: cream colored off shoulder top and skirt with slit on the side.

"Where are you going?" He asked back, ignoring my first question. He squinted and scanned my whole body.

"Just answer me, pretty please?" I scoffed and he mocked back at me.

"It fits in you. But if you're off to somewhere like in public places, for God's sake, Alpha, change your clothes." His litany then rolled his deep eyes.

I pouted in disappointment. Royal's like my older brother, my father, my everything. He guided me in any ways he can. I, as a naive creature, randomly asked him few things that I didn't understand. Good thing he's open and willing to teach me. Now, I have a Royal dependence. He's like a drug that I couldn't resist.

"What's with the face, missy?" He asked as he stood up and walked towards me.

We're inside his wide room. He's doing his research papers while I was doing nothing but to interrupt him.

"I'm going out to somewhere. Perhaps with my friends?"

"Hmm," he narrowed his eyes again, suspecting me and I grinned. "No boys, okay?"

I frowned.

"But why?" I asked, pouting. "Of course I'm allowed to hang out with them." I protested.

He chuckled, making me pout more.

"You're like an ugly duck, Alpha. Stop pouting." He commented between a laugh. "Okay. Okay."

I eyed him, slowly marking a glowing smile beside my lips. It felt like something good will happen to me.

"Your mom trusts me so much. She believes I will take care of you so I'm doing this for her."

I'm his responsibility. My parents entrusted me to him while they're far away from me. So I have to be stuck inside his mansion and follow his orders to avoid altercations.

"Yeah," I sighed in resignation.

"Let's keep it this way." He said in his baritone voice. "I'm allowing you to hang out with boys but you should bear in your mind that you have a limitation."

"Yes, sir!" I saluted and he chuckled. I can feel the excitement slowly creeping in every vein I have.

"Silly." He murmured between a teasing smile and then I pouted again.

Royal was five years older than me. We're not related to each other. My parents and his were just friends because of business. And being older than me meant responsibilities. And if mom would let Throne watch over me, world war might exist. Throne was younger than me. It meant he's still immature by means of thinking or should I say, he's immature in everything. He's childish or worse than that.

Royal continued his stuff and I waved a goodbye before meeting my friends. I can feel him against my will but because I promised I will tell him my whereabouts, in the end he gave up.

We got inside Trixie's car and we headed off to Robinson's Mall. While inside the car, we were doing our usual routine like turning the stereo and move with the beat. Sometimes we sang the lyrics that made the environment light and carefree.

"I thought Royal won't let you wear those things." Angelika commented.

"Yeah," Janrez seconded with her bored face. "He's like a boyfriend." She gave emphasis to her last word.

"He's my older brother." I sighed. "There's nothing wrong of being like that. My parents trust him the most. If you'll be on his shoe, you'll do the same thing."

"I doubt it." Angelika immediately replied. "If I were him, I'll let you do whatever the hell you wanna do."

"That's so irresponsible, Anj." Via objected.

"Definitely." I agreed.

We toured the whole mall. We bought few stuffs and pampered ourselves. It's good to be back here. The cold environment reminded me of Royal because his room was my comfort zone. I always felt at home, most specially if he's around. I felt protected and safe with him.

After we bought everything we needed, we packed our things up and put them inside the car then we had our lunch together.

"This summer, I wanna travel the rest of Indonesia. I want to live in Bali. Last summer, I was in Korea with my cousins. Then maybe I wanna stay in my grandmother's house in Bali." Trixie informed then turned to me with her nosy eyes. "What about you?"

I shrugged. "Maybe I'll stay inside my house the whole summer."

What's new? Last summer, I stayed inside my house. Sometimes if I got bored, I stayed in Royal's house -  inside his room. He had no problem with that. In fact, he said it's the best thing to do to make him feel assured. If people know, I did ninja moves to run away from him. And that's the reason why he's up to me.

"No way!" Angelika reacted. "You said you want to go to Italy to visit your grandmother?"

I shot my right brow at her then turned to everyone. "It's still January, girls. Relax. We have ample of time to think about our next destination."

"You're not excited, are you?" Asked Trixie in furrowed brows.

"I'm not." I growled. I propped my elbow on the table, rested my jaw on my palm and pouted.

We were inside the coffee shop near the mall, waiting for the boys to arrive. What the hell was taking them long to show up?

"Wow. That sounds new to me." Janrez joked. I just rolled my eyes and stared at nowhere.

"Do you think boys will show up here?" I asked impatiently. I hated waiting for nothing. What time was it? Did they have any plan of drawing their fatasses here?

"Yeah," Angelika chuckled. "... in a few moment."

"They should if they don't want to be kicked in the ass." I scoffed and they laughed.

"Huh! Since when you know how to kick an ass, A?" Via scoffed and I rolled my eyes.

I squinted, zooming my vision then I saw familiar faces. My heart abruptly thumped inside my cage. My breathing hitched.

"A?" Someone jabbed my shoulder, making me glance at her.

"Just now." I commented brusquely, trying hard to conceal my nervousness.

"Something's wrong with you, A." Angelika announced.

I turned outside the window and saw nothing. Just when four men entered inside the coffee shop, the environment became coarse and unexplainable.

"I-I think... I-I need to go to cr." I stammered. I saw Via abruptly turned to me with her muddled face.

"Are you sick? You just came from the comfort room then you're going there again?"

I swallowed hard, timid. How can I explain to them what's going on inside my crinkled brain?

"M-Maybe..." I turned to Via whose eyes were suspicious. "Look," I inhaled deeply. "I think we should go now."

"But we're waiting for the boys." Said Janrez like I forgot about it.

"I know." I groaned.

"Let me guess." Angelika gave me a wicked smile, propping her arms on the table. "Gero is here."

"Gero is here?!" Exclaimed Via, wandering her eyes around. And when she spotted Gero's direction, she turned to me with her mixed emotions, fanning her face in cloud nine. "Oh my heart! Oh my heart!" She exclaimed, fanning her face with her hands.

I opened my mouth, ready to stop her. When I took a glance from Gero's direction, I saw his eyes shoved to mine. I swallowed coursely, cowering. I really didn't like the feeling everytime our eyes met. It sent shivers down my spine, radiating in every vein of my heart like a tidal wave.

Angelika stood up, smirking. I knew what she's going to do but my butt was nailed on my chair. And all I can do was to watch her leave, plastering a victorious smile on her lips.

"What is she doing?" Asked Janrez, sounded troubled.

"I-I don't know." I stuttered.

"We should stop Angelika!" She frantically suggested.

"I think we should just watch her." Via demurred, sounds relaxed.

"What?!" I blurted out. "This is terrible!"

"What the fuck?!" Trixie cussed loudly, oblivious from horrible eyes staring at her.

"Let's go!" Janrez exclaimed. She stood up and ran fast at Angelika before she could go near to Gero. And when Janrez gripped Angelika's hand, I sighed in relief. Oh, goddess. That was so close.

Janrez came back, gripping Angelika's hand, who's pouting in resignation. I sighed in relief again. I turned to—Gero who was facing back at us. He's with his company together with some girls sitting beside them.

"You're a bitch, Anj." Trixie huffed. "What were you even thinking?"

"What?" Angelika pouted. Janrez released her then took the seat in front of me. Angelika followed. She sat next to Via. "I was just wondering if we can ask Gero for some date." Anj widened her lips, plastering an odd look.

"Date?!" Trixie repeated. "What are you? You have the guts to ask him on a date?"

"Why not? I'm just being friendly here."

"Friendly? Come on, bitch! You're like a desperate woman who is obsessed with him."

"Really?" She scoffed. "I didn't see it coming. I'm not A, who's coward to face Gero. 'Cause maybe..." she narrowed her eyes on me and I shot my left brows at her. "... maybe you like him, don't you?"

My jaw dropped in disbelief. All my friends turned to me with their confused looks.

I smirked with a sound. "Don't divert the attention to me, Anj. Me?" I pointed myself with the use of my index finger. "I'm not even interested with him. Let's say he's hot and oh so yummy man, he doesn't fit in my standard."

"Hmm," Via hummed. "So that explains why you hate Gero so much. Right?"

"Exactly." I answered with confidence, turning to Via. "What else do you want me to explain?"

Angelika rolled her eyes with a hiss. "You can't deceive me, A. Way back when we were in high school, you said you liked him a lot. Remember when you cried because of the overwhelming feelings he caused you? You even said you loved him the most!"

"Shut up, Anj." I said, dismissing the topic. I looked away in abashment.

"You see?" She blurted out.

She's right. Gero was my world way back when we were still in high school. I didn't know how it went well. I almost forgot everything between us. I believed we were just too young that time that's why we're fragile. We were not concerned of our feelings. What we wanted was what we wanted. Besides, it was just one sided love. I knew it's not his intention to make me fall for him. He was just so cool and gorgeous while I was naive. Good thing I didn't fess up about my feelings for him. I just knew that she has a girlfriend the following day. And that day before, he was implicitly flirting with me.

"That's enough, Anj." Said Janrez. "You know how coarse this issue to A. You shouldn't bring up the topic about her craziness towards Gero."

"I agree." Via stated. "She fell really hard and drowned deeply. Remember she had low grades?"

"Oh, please." I entreated. "You all are not helping me."

Angelika took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, Alpha. I was just trying you. I know you're still into him."

"We can see it in your eyes, A." Via added. "We can feel the hopes in it. And whatever keeps you to hold on, you better slip it away. It's not healthy anymore."

"I wish it's so easy to deal with it." I whispered. Tears are pooling over my eyes. "I cannot elude from fate. No matter what I do, our paths always collide. And all I can do is to hope that we can be together someday."

I took a deep breath, feeling dejected. What was I supposed to do if I was still in love with him? Four years had gone but he's still in my heart. And I guessed he will always be in my heart.

"I think you should indulge yourself with different activities." Trixie suggested. "Like you know," she shrugged. "... or perhaps date other boys. Let's see if you two can work it out."

"Hmm," Angelika hummed. "That's a great idea. And you should outshine from your old looks."

I grimaced. Were they really my friends?

"And, I think you should act like a lady." Via propounded. "You have baby lips which look hot if you only notice. Remember what they always say? Love yourself first so everyone around you will love you as well."

I grimaced again. I didn't really care about the gossips about me having an ugly face or whatsoever. I loved how I manage myself and I didn't want to change to impress others. If they can't appreciate my worst side, then they didn't deserve to see my best one.

"Look, Alpha. This is just a friendly suggestion. It still depends on you. But you know what's the best thing to do? Move on from him. Get over with your feelings. Gero has a girlfriend. You don't like to be the third party, do you?"

"O-Of course not." I said. I looked down again. How can I move on from him?

"Well, that's good to hear." Janrez said. "I wish you're wide awake now."

"Yeah..." I whispered. I had nothing to say.