~ LANA ~

The wind was hitting my face, my hair was fluttering uncontrollably but I didn't care, there was no one around so I didn't have to worry about looking good and I could be myself. I lay down on the grass, breathing the fresh air and smelling the scent of the wild roses around me, just perfect. The sky was very blue and the sun was radiant, I love days like this, being able to enjoy them cleared me up and made me forget my sad life. I sighed, I really wish I could live far from this town and find a place full of nature, a place where I feel that I remain.

   The alarm on my cell phone made me fall into reality, my mother was almost coming home and I had to get there before her. I put on my sneakers, grabbed my things, and ran down the hill, so I could get back to town. My house was not far from where I was so it didn't take long for me to arrive, unfortunately her car was parked in the garage and I could already feel her scolding me behind my back. I wiped my feet on the carpet and entered the house, as I had imagined, she was sitting on the sofa and did not look up, but she knew I was here.

"Where were you?" she asked, while keeping her eyes on her cell phone, she hardly ever looked at me when we talked.

"With Federick," I lied.

"How curious, Federick just left."

My heart began to race, I was afraid of what she could do, she hated that I lied to her but she also hated that I do what I like.

"We had arranged to meet in the park, but I didn't find him and it seems that neither did he, so he will have come to look for me here," I lied again, "Can I go to my room now?"

She got up from the couch and walked over to me, pointed her index finger at me, and then frowned.

"If I find out you're lying to me, I ..."

"You what, Sabrinna?" Asked Adam, her husband, appearing behind me.

My mother quickly changed her face, put on her most false face, which is that of an exemplary mother and wife.

"Oh, Adam!" She laughed, "We were just having a little discussion, but it's nothing serious," she smiled.

  I just rolled my eyes and took advantage of the moment to go up to my room, I hated having  to live like this, that my own mother treated me like that when there is no one around and when there is, pretend that she is the mother that everyone wants to have. I sighed and threw myself on my bed, I needed to rest as long as I could, but it was impossible to be able to sleep an eye if my mind does not want to rest. I sat down and looked at my room, it seemed to be the room of a spoiled girl who could have everything she wanted, then I remembered Calí's room and I thought, maybe she doesn't need so many things to be happy and I'm not happy with all these things , only a few memories kept me standing.

  I remembered Cali and Evan, I really don't know them much but I had never seen people like them, they didn't know me either and they didn't hesitate to help me last night, they made me laugh a lot and forget everything bad for a moment. I've never had friends before, so I quickly become attached to people and look forward to seeing them again. Although I am a fairly well-known person in high school, it does not mean that the people I talk to during breaks or in class are my friends, no one ever cared about me and not even my boyfriend does, I am always alone pretending to be someone sociable and funny. I closed my eyes, I have not felt complete since my father left us, my mother still holds a grudge against him but I have heard her cry at night and I know that she cannot see my eyes because I am equal to him, I do not blame her,  the same thing happens to me when I look in the mirror.

   My cell phone started ringing, I looked at the screen and it indicated Federick's name, he was calling but after what happened last night I didn't have the heart to answer him and at least for a while I didn't want to see it, I let it keep ringing until he stopped calling me. Evan was right, he is an idiot, but I am very vulnerable and as long as he stayed in my life I would forgive him anything, just to feel loved. I ran my hands over my face, I was stupid and the worst thing is that I know, but I can't control my emotions all the time, I can be determined to do something and not do it out of fear, fear of being alone, perhaps that is why I am able to bear any pain and I'm not proud.

  The door to my room opened and it scared me too much, but I smiled when I saw Nathan, my little brother, he did not hesitate and ran to my arms to hug me. His red hair smelled like apple and was too soft, he caressed my arm while looking at me with his big blue eyes, he looked more like my father than me and I hope my mother doesn't hate it like she hates me, no one is to blame of what happened and less the little Nathan, who was just a baby at that time.

"Can you read me a story, Lana?" He asked me with his sweet voice, I smiled again, I couldn't deny him anything.

  I put him on the bed and went to my library to look for a short story, I always had some here because most of the time he slept with me since my mother was away from home every night, she pretended to be a great woman but she has A very dark secret that I know would ruin his reputation and his marriage. Who would expect something bad from Father Adam's wife?
I opened the book and began to read to him, he looked at me carefully and listened to everything he said, he was a very intelligent child for only four years old.

(...)

  I felt like someone was stroking my hair, but my arms were around Nathan so he couldn't be. I got up quickly, scared, I turned around and saw Federick sitting next to me on the bed, like nothing, he just gave me a smile. I couldn't believe that he was here in my room, at night, after I didn't answer all his calls and that's a clear demonstration that I didn't want to see him, it seems that insisting on the calls was not enough.

"What the hell are you doing here, Fede?" I asked confused, "How did you get in?"

"Your mother let me pass, she was fascinated to see me," he smiled again, he knew that my mother loved him and wanted him to be with me forever, that's why he knew it was difficult for me to leave him.

"Go away, you have nothing to do here," I frowned.

"I came to talk, you are not answering my calls," he answered, "and I will not leave here until you forgive me."

  Okay, that surprised me, he never admitted when he was at fault and always made me apologize.

"You're an idiot," those words came out of my mouth without warning, I had never insulted him "please go away."

  He caressed my face gently and looked into my eyes without saying anything, he seemed to enjoy the silence, it made me feel like a little girl and that hurt me, I didn't want to feel that way.

"I know, but you make me feel different," he answered, I could hardly see his face, it was all dark and only a ray of street light was shining that was projected from the window, "I will always be there for you, little one."

  I was processing many emotions at the same time, I said it before, I am very vulnerable and he knew how to have me at his feet. I closed my eyes, the last words he said were very familiar to me and I did not want to hear them again, my heart could not bear it.

"Please go, you'll wake Nathan."

  He smiled, I was beginning to fear that he was so peaceful and only said words like that, he knew my weakness.

"Okay," he came closer to me "I will never leave your side, you are tied to me forever," he whispered in my ear and gently kissed my lips, his words caused me to shiver and I was really afraid it was true.

  He got up carefully from his place and left the room, I quickly got up and locked the door so that he cannot go back inside. My heart was pounding, I couldn't be calm from now on, I took his words as a threat and I was sure it was. I couldn't help crying silently, because that's what they taught me, to drown in my own tears.

  I spent the rest of the night without sleep, I sat by the door until Nathan woke up and I had to make him his breakfast to go to kindergarten. As was usual my mother was not there and my older sister less, again we were alone like most days, the poor child did not see our mother almost never and sometimes he thinks that I am his mother, but I don't want him to live confused so I always correct it. I sat Nathan in his chair and gave him his food, he started eating without complaining. I didn't have the heart to go to school, I was too tired and needed a day for myself, I looked at my cell phone that was on the kitchen table and I noticed that Federick kept calling me, I sighed and turned it off.
When Nathan finished breakfast I changed him and got him in the car to go to his kindergarten, he loved to go and I liked that he spent time having fun or socializing, I wished that he would never know what happens in the family and could live calm.

  When we got to kindergarten, he got very excited and made me smile, when I got him out of the car he kissed my cheek and looked at me waiting for me to tell him that he can go. I nodded my head as a sign that I could enter the place, he smiled and ran to his teacher, whom he hugged and took by the hand to enter the place. I turned to go back to the car and saw Evan behind me.

"Hey, Lana," he greeted.

"Good morning, Evan," I greeted, "Are you going to high school?"

  He nodded.

"Yes, I was on my way," he answered, " Are you feeling well?"

"Yes, why do you say it?" I asked confused and he made a face.

"You don't look like you're okay."

  At that moment I noticed that I was still wearing my pajama clothes and I had not even combed or washed my face, I was a mess and everyone was looking at me like that, I do not know how I have not noticed it before, it really was not right.

"Oh, I didn't sleep well and I was in a hurry to bring Nathan to kindergarten, I didn't realize I went out like that," I laughed, with a lump in my throat.

"I understand, if you need something just tell me okay?" His words sounded sincere, I really knew I could count on him, "and if you need to talk to someone, you can call me whenever you want."

  I nodded and smiled as a sign that he was fine, he said goodbye and I got in the car, put my face on the wheel and cried again, I wasn't having a good time but I had to hide it, that's what I always did. I didn't need people asking me questions thinking they could help me, I was broken and the person who could prevent that left me four years ago. Since then I do not remember what it is to be complete, happiness is long gone and I do not think it will return, my life is a torment and it will continue to be so until I can leave this city, when I can finally get away from my mother and bad memories I can finally be calm, I can be me without being judged all the time and maybe happiness will come back to me, but dreaming doesn't mean it can be fulfilled.