“Oh god, Seb, what happened?” Paula asked when she found him sitting alone at a bus stop. She embraced Seb instantly, making him feel safe and comforted.

It was the first time in a year that Seb broke down like that. He was getting better, he was taken off of his meds, but then everything went southwards the moment Ryan appeared again.

Paula just couldn’t understand what might’ve happened for Seb to break down. The moment she heard Seb crying on the phone, she knew she had to find him. There was guessing what Seb might do to stop the pain and loneliness he was feeling.

“He’s back…” Seb sounded very tired. Like he lost all his will to live. “…but not for me… He’s dating someone else… he doesn’t love me anymore… He doesn’t care about me…”

“Oh, Seb…” Paula embraced him tighter.

Paula brought Seb to her home, she just knew that he would just feel even more alone and terrible in his apartment.

“What happened?” Barry asked when he saw Paula walked in the door with Seb looking devoid of any will and emotion. Paula shook her head at Barry, talking about it again would just make Seb feel terrible. “Hey, buddy, do you want to eat? I have vanilla ice cream on the fridge, we can make a sundae.” He said.

Seb didn’t speak, but he just shook his head.

“Alright, here…” Barry said and then tapped on the couch. “You could lie down and watch whatever you want. I’m just here if you need anything.” He said.

Paula left Seb to Barry as she went back to work. It wasn’t the right time to talk to Seb. He would talk about his feelings when he’s ready, what he needed was the reassurance that he wasn’t alone. He just needs someone by his side.

“Look after him Barry, he’s in a really bad place right now. Just stay with him, talk to him.” Paula told Barry before leaving. She told him what happened and Barry felt sad for Seb.

For hours, Barry sat beside Seb, and although was unresponsive, Barry kept on talking, making sure that he doesn’t feel alone.

“What should I do now, Barry?” Seb finally spoke, albeit in a very low and tired voice. “When he was gone, at least there was this hope, this delusion that he would come back for me, but now that he's back with someone else, all that hope disappeared too. There’s nothing left for me to hold on to. I was getting better at forgetting him, I stopped waiting for him…”

“But you never stopped loving him.” Barry said. “It’s easy for our minds to forget, Seb, but our heart is different. As long as there is just a tiny bit of space in there for that person, it would always remember.”

“I wish my heart would forget, that any kind of space for him was gone, but there’s this big hole that he left and I can’t…”

“Seb, what did we tell you before?”

“That it’s okay for me to keep on loving him, but I have to start loving myself more.”

“Look at it this way; you never had closure with him, that’s why that pain lives on in you, that’s why you kept on hoping and kept on waiting. Now that he’s back, you can finally get that closure, and you could finally start healing.”

“So, you’re saying that I should meet him, talk to him?”

“Not until you’re ready, buddy.”

The thing is, Seb doesn’t know if he would ever be ready. In different circumstances, he wouldn’t hesitate to talk to Ryan, to go to him, but knowing that talking to him would finally put an end to everything between them, to everything that he hoped and dreamed for, Seb just couldn’t find the strength.

He doesn’t want things to end. He would rather wait and hope for nothing for the rest of his life than to put a definite end to his love.

Ignorance is indeed bliss, and if Seb would choose, he would want to stay in a dreamlike cocoon, protected from harsh realities.

The afternoon came and the Jacobs’ children arrived home like a storm. They weren’t even inside the house and yet Barry and Seb could hear eight-year-old Oliver arguing with her twelve-year-old sister, Queenie, about which flavors of milk he likes the best.

“No! You’re wrong, it’s strawberry!” Oliver protested as he burst into the house. “Yey, it’s Seb!” He instantly tossed his bag on the floor and jumped on the couch and hugged Seb.

“Ohhh…” Seb muttered as Oliver hit his head on Seb’s stomach.

“Seb, do you like strawberry milk or chocolate milk better?” Oliver asked. “Queenie says chocolate is better, but Dad bought those strawberry ones and they’re so good. It has real strawberries in them!”

“Alright, little man, pick up your bag and then change your clothes.” Barry told the young guy as he pried him away from Seb.

“You two do the same.” He told Queenie and his eldest, sixteen years old Andre.

“Seb, I have this new fighting game and it is awesome. Let’s play. I played it with Dad, but he is really terrible.” Andre told him.

“Homework first, young man. And I let you win that time.” Barry said.

“But you and Seb would be going to the bar any minute now. Just one game, Dad.” Andre complained.

“You have plenty of time to play after your homework is done. Seb is having a day off today, and he’ll even sleep over tonight.” Barry said and then looked at Seb.

“Yey! We’re going to build a fort!” Oliver declared.

“No, we’ll bake cookies first.” Queenie said.

Being with the Jacobs was just what Seb needed. When everyone in his life disappeared, the Jacobs stayed with him. They might not share the same flesh and blood, but their binds were enough to call them family.

Spending the rest of the day with the kids distracted Seb and lifted up his mood. Paula’s home-cooked meal was also always comforting

“What are you gonna do about the cleaning job?” Paula asked Seb as they cleaned the table.

“You’re not going to tell me not to accept it?”

“It has to be your choice, Seb. All I’m going to tell you is that if it’s too much, too painful to be around him, then you shouldn’t force yourself. Him moving back here means that one way or another, your paths are going to cross again, but you have to choose what would make you better.”

“I walked out as soon as I saw him and Hannah together. I was shocked and hurt, and right now I don’t know if meeting him again would give me the closure I need to move on or even give me even more pain. I’ve waited, I’ve wanted for him to come back for so long, but not like this.”

When Seb went back to his apartment, the next day, he stared at Ryan’s old unit and contemplated if it was time to rent it out. For five years, he saved that unit for Ryan’s return, but since he came back and chose to live somewhere, there was no reason for Seb to hold onto it.

Maybe it would also help him move on and move forward with his life.

After eating the fruits Albert gave him and checking his otherwise empty fridge, Seb decided to go out for groceries.

“Seb.” Ryan called his name as soon as he walked out of the building.

For a moment, Seb froze on his feet, but he quickly regained his composure.

“What are you doing here this early?” Seb asked, hiding his nervousness and fears.

“I… um…”

“What is it? I’m actually quite busy right now.” Seb spoke as calmly as he could, not wanting Ryan to see how his presence was affecting him.

“About the cleaning contract, you don’t have to do it.” Ryan told him.

Was that your gentle way of pushing me? Seb thought. “No, it’s okay. I kind of gave my word to your girlfriend, so…” Saying those words hurt more than Seb thought it would.

“I’m sorry, Seb.” Ryan suddenly said.

“About what?”

“I broke my promise…”

“It’s all in the past Ryan. Don’t worry about it.” Seb lied as he forced a smile. He didn’t want Ryan to find out how much his disappearance affected him, how much it broke and messed him up. He wanted to look strong. “I heard you are a bigshot lawyer now, congratulations. You finally achieved your dream. You have a great place, a great job, a great girlfriend, I guess you finally have everything you’ve dreamed of.”

Awkwardness hanged in the air, and for the first time since knowing Ryan, their conversation felt uncomfortable. Seb didn’t like it at all. It wasn’t the way things were supposed to be with them. It wasn’t what they were like.

Things really had changed between them, Seb realized.

I should at least show him that I’m happy for him. Seb thought. Smile Seb, don’t show him what you really feel.

“Not everything…” Ryan muttered lowly that Seb didn’t really hear his words.

“What was that?”

“Do you want to have coffee sometime? To catch up…?” Ryan asked hesitantly.

“Sure, I’ll let you know when I’m free. Sorry, I really have to go.” Seb said politely.

“Yeah… sure…”

Seb walked away, forcing his self to calm down. He doesn’t want to break down when Ryan was just so near.

After walking a few blocks, Seb realized that he had left his wallet in his apartment, so he decided to go back.

He was waiting for the elevator when he heard Albert talking to someone at the fire exit.

“Is he eating right, is he sleeping well?” It was Ryan’s voice. “I wanted to ask him myself, but I guess he’s not yet ready to talk to me. He was smiling, but I know he isn’t happy to see me.”

“I’m sure if you talk to him everything would be better. Seb doesn’t hate you, he wouldn’t talk to you if he is.” Albert replied.

“I know that, but I also know that he’s hurt. His smile was different. It’s not the smile that I know.” After all those years, Ryan still knows Seb better than everyone else and Seb doesn’t know how to feel about that. “I hurt him, Albert. I messed up. ”

Tears suddenly fell from Seb’s eyes.

Hearing Ryan admits how he hurt him was bitter for Seb. Even if he admits his mistake nothing would change; he still left Seb. They were no longer the two young men deeply in love five years ago. They might still care for each other, but the pain, guilt, and regret had already overshadowed the love they once felt.

Jan. 5, 2014

Even after contemplating what to do overnight, Seb was still lost. He still wasn’t sure if confronting the Cortez’s was the right thing to do.

With the envelope in hand, Seb decided to go down and test the waters.

He reached the first floor and was about to knock on the door when he heard the Cortez’s talking.

“You’re really going to ask him to move out? Is he going to agree with that?” Frederico asked.

“I don’t know about this, Josie.” Jacinta replied. “Sure, it’s tiring cooking and taking care of him, my time is wasted on him while I should be taking care of my real grandchildren, but still, this is his place.”

“That’s why I told you to stop trying to act like a grandmother to him.” Josefina replied. “Why do you think I got him fried from the city hall? I don’t like having him around me all day. It’s enough that we live in the same building, I don’t want to see him even in my workplace. He is so desperate for a family that he would do anything if it means keeping this pretend family intact.”

“The sooner he is out of here, the better.” Frederico added. “No one wants him to be part of this family. I don’t want that faggot influencing my kids, either. That’s why I told you before, Josie, you shouldn’t let Ryan get too close to him.”

“Your sister, Adriana, wouldn’t be happy if we just cast him away.” Jacinta said.

“Adriana shouldn’t have died in the first place, Mama.” Jacinta said. “He should be the one in that car with his father, buying groceries. If he didn’t insist on staying behind, trying to seduce Ryan behind our backs, then Adriana wouldn’t have to go with Ramon. He should be the one dead, not my sister.”

“Josie, isn’t that too much?” Jacinta asked.

Hearing what they really felt about him hurt Seb. He felt betrayed and suddenly all alone. The people he thought were his family suddenly abandoned him. He felt like a fool for clinging onto them.

They blamed him for his stepmom’s death. They wished him dead.

Maybe they were right. Maybe he should’ve died that day instead. Maybe then he wouldn’t be hated by them, maybe then he wouldn’t feel betrayed and abandoned. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel that pain.

“Too much? I don’t care. Things would’ve been better that way.” Seb heard Josefina said from behind the door.