I look out from the window. I see the full moon. There's not a lot of stars in the city, but I'm glad the moon is very present tonight. I think of today, it was a beautiful day, love was in the air, wounds healed, hearts opened, and another life was given to Ricardo Juancho Sr.

"I love you, dad," I whisper then I look further into the night sky. I take a moment to feel dad smile, then a tear falls out from the side of my eye. I smile, I'm glad I didn't cry bad today. I'm happy, my heart is happy.

I love you, daddy.

Another thing about my dad, he can't sleep without some lights on. So as a kid, I don't sleep without some lights on as well. When he died, I wanted everything pitch black. But not tonight. I keep one lamp shade on, I lay my head on my pillow, then I sleep with a smile.

I open my eyes and I'm standing in a field. I see wild grass everywhere, lots of it, different kinds, different heights. I see flowers, some are in bunches, some just randomly blooms, but the lots of it are daffodils and dandelions. I know this place, I've been here before. The last time I was here, I saw a kid that I don't recognise but he has my birthmark.

I look around, on one part I see a cliff and the ocean, then I turn my head on another part and I see a weeping willow tree, but it's not our backyard willow tree. I don't think I've seen this before.

I turn my head around, this place is beautiful, but where am I? It's bright, the same as last time, it's a late afternoon brightness; shades of light yellow to warm yellows, even the ocean feels yellow. I walk, I feel light, like I'm floating.

Something urges me to pick a dandelion seed puffs like the kid did last time. I pick one then I blow it into the air. My eyes follow the seeds in the air and with one turn on my side, I see mom, she looks magnificent.

She's wearing a white and yellow, airy and flowy long tulle dress - a wedding dress?

I've never seen my parents' wedding video, but mom said, she had a beautiful embroidered head band with real daffodil flowers on the side, and she's wearing it now. She's now looking at me with her soft and kind smile.

I walk towards her, I want to see her closer. She's beautiful, her skin is so radiant, like she's glowing. She offers her hand, "Take my hand," she says. I look at her hand and I am more than willing to take it.

But then, a man's hand takes it instead of my hand, like I'm in someone else's body. I recognise the hand, it's my dad's, it has the familiar scars, it's sturdy but with gentle movements. Then mom walks, holding my dad's hand, or my hand? I'm following her, the wind keeps blowing her dress, she looks like a goddess.

We are heading to the willow tree on a small hilltop. Mom also told me before that they did their 'I dos' under a weeping willow tree. Although it was just him and dad, uncle Forth, uncle Juando and tita Angie, and the pastor who were there that day, it was the happiest day of her life, she said.

She also said uncle Forth took a video of their wedding, but somehow it got lost, or maybe dad kept it somewhere and hasn't told anyone before his death. Dad said, he wants me to see his wedding day on my wedding day because I am the continuation of his forever, that's why I never got to watch it, and I don't know if I ever will.

Now, mom and I are under the weeping willow tree. It looks so romantic, its branches and leaves are hanging low, giving us a cover like an umbrella. Then mom starts talking, she looks so happy inlove.

I start to recognise what she is saying, it's her vow to dad. Their vows I know, they said their vows was from the heart, it wasn't pre-written before the wedding. But they both re-wrote it at the back of an airport coffee shop menu on their way to their honeymoon, they had it framed and now it's on display in mom's bedroom.

When mom is finished with her vow, my dad's hand wipes the tears on the side of her face, and he begins his vow. It's weird, mom is looking and listening at me but I hear dad's voice. I have heard dad say his vow numerous times when I was kid, he usually do it when mom is either in the shower or in the toilet. Mom would shout angry when she's in the toilet, she would scream at dad angrily behind the door to stop ruining their marriage and dad would laugh his ass off, I laughed with him as well.

After dad's vow, mom turns her head towards the cliff, so I turn my head too. I see RJ, picking up dandelion seed puffs and blowing it into the air, he's having fun, he seems oblivious about me or mom. He's peaceful, I love watching RJ like this. It's all I want for him, to have the best kid's life he can have, because I did.

I turn my head again to mom and my vision changes, suddenly I am in RJ's position, I see mom standing alone under the weeping willow tree and I see RJ nowhere now. I turn my head around looking for RJ, it's a wide field but he's just gone. I have a slight worry about the cliff, but I know RJ doesn't like scary heights so he would never run towards it.

I turn my attention back to mom but she's no longer under the weeping willow tree, I now see her from the window of our ranch house. She's stroking her collarbone, but this time she isn't thinking what to say, she is worried, she's looking over the driveway.

I'm outside the ranch now, the cliff is gone, the field is gone, but I see our pastures, the fences, and our veranda. We have a full wall window on our veranda side, it's facing the driveway and it's where mom is standing, she's pacing around. She's now wearing a long red flowy maxi dress. I remember this moment, she was supposed to have a date with dad, uncle Forth will soon be arriving to watch over me tonight. Yes, suddenly it's evening now.

Her dress flows beautifully as she walks around, pacing. But I see her face anxious, exactly the same expression when she felt something bad just happened that one particular night.

She frantically looked for me that night, I was in a separate garage near our house tinkering on a small tractor, she thought something bad happened to me, I remember her worried face. She brought me back to the house and I watched her pacing in our living room. We didn't know then, dad was in a car accident.

I think mom, somehow, felt it, but it was three days later when the call happened. For three nights, mom waited by the window, looking over the driveway. Our entire lives change completely after the call.

From the window I see mom drop onto her knees now, and then her chest rises up into an obvious halt, like she just took her last breath and then she doesn't move. Tears fell down from her eyes, and I feel every drop of it. Suddenly, I have this familiar feeling of pain, fear, and lost.

Dad.

I just lost my dad. I also drop on my knees here by the pasture, I feel weak, and like every color was gone.

Then out of nowhere, RJ walks up to me from behind, he holds my had, his face ever as peaceful. I look at mom and I realise, she isn't pregnant. She was pregnant that night in that red dress, but now she isn't.

"Ate, it's going to be ok. Don't be sad," RJ says, low, his voice is so innocent. I stare at him, he looks so much like dad.

"Ate, dad said, don't cry because he was gone. He's never gone. His love will never die. He said, he loves us, very very much, higit pa sa habang buhay."

Then I break-down and cry.