Chapter 4

CLAIRE

"Positive" I stare at the fifth pregnancy test result shaking from my trembling hands in my dorm room and like a lifeless body, I dropped my weight on the floor. *a baby? For whom?* I'd had numerous safe sex with guys, how did I end up pregnant? I thought about the odds, having a child at 22 while studying is bad, telling my parents that their second-year university student of a daughter is having a bastard is worse. I shudder to think what my friends and what the whole world would think of me. One solution-abortion. I should have suspected I was expecting when I didn't see my menstruation the previous month, I had thought it was another harmless anomaly. I placed my palm on my tummy, slowly moving in circles. In a rush, I hated myself, felt disgusted, angry and all things bad to a point of thinking suicidal. I let the tears out knowing fully well I'd been in denial and no amount of pregnancy test I take would prove negative.

I managed to keep my pregnancy hidden from my parents for ten months before birthing my daughter, I stopped attending class when it got to the third trimester but it didn't stop my studying. I have to finish up school. It's my number one priority. I love my baby but coming to terms with the fact that the child would never know her dad knotted my stomach and I hated myself for giving her such a fatherless life. Since the Doctor warned me against abortion, I had no choice but to keep it and after birth, I decided to keep her away from me as far as possible. Not because I don't love or want her but because seeing her would make me resent myself more and I don't deserve to have such an innocent life depend on me. I wasn't ready and I never will.

******

My eyes slowly drifted open to accommodate where I was. I looked around slowly and my gaze landed on Rebecca.

"Claire, you ok?" She leaned forward to me beside the bed

"I lost her beccs, I can never forgive myself, life took her, it took her, it takes things from me, I don't deserve to be loved or feel loved beccs, I'm cursed and I think you should stay away from me too, my baby is gone, she'll never know how much she means to me but resent me for not being there for her, I'll never forgive myself" I wept uncontrollably into Rebecca's hands as she cupped my face, her own tears slowly emerging.

"It's not your fault Claire, don't say that, you tried in your own way to make things right..."

"I stayed away beccs, I loved her from afar, now my baby died not knowing she was loved immensely"

"That little girl is aware of your love for her, have you seen her art book? She keeps drawing a really ugly picture of you and her saying she loves you"

"How'd you know that?"

"Katherine was my daughter too, I frequent her school sometimes to play Aunty's duties"

Her using the word WAS knotted my stomach even more.

Her saying that made me weep more. How was I supposed to move on from this?

"Whenever you're ready, we'll go collect her stuff from the school"

"I'll never be ready, she was a hidden secret, none of my folks knew her, for seven years beccs, I can count the number of times I'd seen her, I'm such a bad mother" i wish I could see her again, tell her beautiful face that I love her beyond measure, let her know I didn't deserve to have such a blessing in my life, she didn't deserve me. Was that why she was taken? Of all the students, only my daughter died? Life did this on purpose.

"Please take me home"

"You need to brace yourself up Claire, you have to be strong and not blame yourself, I'll go sort the bill then we give her a befitting burial meant for an angel"

I sobbed on

DAMON

I LOOK AT MY WRISTWATCH, it timed 11 pm, I was still in my office hoping Claire would show up but I know better. She was totally blowing me off and I'm still not going to give up. I took a walk downstairs to her office, admiring what she'd done with her space from the glass wall outside. Too bad I didn't have a spare key, I craved badly to be in her, smell her, cuddle her and tell her how much I love her forever and ever but she's making it hard for me to reach out.  I eventually exited the building finally coming to terms with the fact that I'd been stood up. I'm coming for her hard on Monday or better still, I should show up at her place tomorrow morning before she leaves for work. I slid into the back of my Limo, as it eases off onto the road, I went with my plan. I'll go see my Claire tomorrow, thankful for the fact that I know her address.

CLAIRE

I WRAPPED MYSELF LIKE A BALL, my palms tucked beneath my cheeks under the duvet. Still wearing my work clothes from yesterday, little droplets of tears managed their way down my eyes onto the pillow.

"Eat this Claire, you've not had anything since last night"

I sat up watching her shove the pillow behind me, I scoot back so I can lean on it against the headboard. I collect the tray of toast and coffee from her hand.

"Thank you" I whispered

"When do you want to fix for her funeral?"

"Tomorrow" I managed to say

"I'll take care of it, in the meantime, you need to be strong for her"

Her saying that only makes me feel worse. Feeling strong meant moving on, i don't want to move on! I was boiling inside and i couldn't even show it. I tamed my anger which I'd always done. My phone chimed with a text message from my mum asking what i have planned for my birthday next week. My left hand clenched hard on the tray, my mom doesn't know she just lost her grandchild. She doesn't know she had a grandchild. I set the tray down on the bedside table, the urge to eat totally gone. I dropped my face in my palms, in despair and total wreck.  Rebecca had gone to take care of the funeral preparations that only had in attendance, myself and her. Just the two of us saying goodbye to my angel. That hurt more. I wrapped Fletcher in my arms, soaking its head with tears.

I WOKE UP TO THE SOUND OF my doorbell continuously ring, i wasn't expecting anyone and Rebecca has the spare key so she's obviously not the one. I let it ring thinking the person outside would accept that I'm not around. It stopped ringing, i almost fell back into sleep when it started again. I made my way towards the door, i opened it and within a second i saw Damon standing in front of me in my living room.

"Coffee?" I asked

"You look terrible Claire, have you been crying?"  I'm sure he got the hint from my puffy eyes.

"Tea?" I went on

"Will you please talk to me. What happened?"

"I'm fine, what are you doing here?"

"I didn't hear from you and you not picking up my call nor responding to my messages made me worried. I wanted to know if you're doing ok"

"I'm fine" i was trying so hard not to cry in front of him. I tried so hard taming how i felt.

"You are still in yesterday's outfit Claire, tell me what happened, you can trust me"

I was close to breaking down, he was pushing it further with the need to know what's wrong.

"It's 10 AM, you'll be late for work Damon, i think you should head on now" i wanted him gone so i can break down alone.

"You and i know damn well i can get there any time i want" he walked closer to me, tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I reacted to his touch, not sexually, but emotionally. He drew his lips closer to mine, i almost thought he was going to kiss me.

"Tell.me.whats.wrong.God.damn.it.claire"

"Can't you see i want to be alone, just go, leave, i don't want you here, i don't want you to see me like this!" i yelled

I broke down in tears, falling on my knees. I cried so hard i passed out in minutes.

I WOKE UP TO THE TOUCH OF A hand raking my hair back while i laid on the bed. It was Rebecca's.

"What happened?" I asked

"You passed out Claire, thank God your boss was there when it happened."

"Where's he?"

"In the living room, he won't leave until he knows what's going on. You look like a ghost Claire, I'm beginning to get really worried, i know you're still in mourning, but there are people who need you too, your parents, me..."

"How's the preparation?"

"All set" she took my hand in hers "you'll be fine, now go take a shower and come up with an excuse for looking so haggard because I'm sure you don't want him to know too"

I loved the fact that Rebecca understands me and can tell what I'm thinking without telling. She knew a lot about me that most people didn't. I don't know what I'd do without her. She's not just my friend, she's my sister and i don't ever want to lose her.

DAMON

I SAT ON ONE OF THE chairs in Claire's living room, dying to know if she's awake. I took my phone out of my jacket's side pocket to answer a call. Megan's call.

She had called to know if i"d like an all-white colored cake or mixed with red and i honestly didn't care about that. I'll be seeing her soon to call the engagement off. Knowing now is not the perfect i told her-i love you too- so we wouldn't stress the topic. I heard Claire clear her throat as i return my phone to my pocket. She looked different. She was dressed in a black bum short and loose silk top. Her mood lighter.

"Hi, thanks for coming by, do you want a drink?"

I shook my head watching her go into the kitchen. She concealed her puffy eyes which made me come to the conclusion that she was trying to make me believe she's alright meaning whatever happened was worse than i thought. I text Thomas. *find out what happened to Ms.Claire from yesterday evening till this moment. Pull up phone records and places she went to during that time *  she wasn't going to tell me and i wasn't counting on pushing it any further so i went with the flow knowing i would have answers shortly.  Or did her boyfriend break up with her? I'd be happy if that was the case, it meant i can have her to myself, no lingering attachments.  She handed me a glass of wine.

"I see you're doing better"

She nods.

”i like what you did with your living room, the colors are so you ol' pal" i saw her ghost smile.

"You can take the day off Claire. Rest and come back to work on Monday fully refreshed and past whatever got you broken"

"Thank you" she mouthed still ghost smiling.

It hurts me not knowing what's hurting her.

"I have to go now, see you on Monday and hopefully looking forward to our meeting rescheduling" i rose to my feet to hug her and then i left.

CLAIRE

I WATCH DAMON LEAVE AND in the midst of what i am going through, something stuck. The moment i heard him say *i love you too* over the phone to someone i assumed to be Megan. I packed the glasses back into the kitchen, returned to find Rebecca on the couch watching tv.

"Thank you beccs" i was grateful that she is with me during this period.

"Don't sweat it bestie, you would have done the same for me"

I walked and sat beside her, leaning on her while we watched the movie except for the fact that i wasn't watching. My thoughts were with my child.

DAMON

BY THE TIME I GOT BACK to the penthouse, it was 11 PM, i spent most of the day in and out of meetings. I was waiting for Thomas in my living room, with a glass of wine in hand. He walked in shortly.

"Did you find anything?"

"Yes, sir. Ms. Claire's daughter passed away yesterday"

I took a seat digesting what Thomas had just said.

"How old was she?" I asked

"7" he replied.

A lot of questions went through my mind. Was she married before? Was she a single parent? And most importantly i felt devastated for her, that was why she looked a mess when I'd seen her earlier today. She just lost her child. I wanted to be there for her but it's impossible. I pulled out my phone and texted her. *you don't need to come to the office on Monday, take all the time you need to feel better, you can work from home if you like* i hit the send button thereafter dropping my phone on the chair.

"She died as a result of an accident from a school trip. She was enrolled in a private boarding school and from the looks of it, no one knows she has a child. Funeral holds tomorrow at Central Cemetary for 10 AM."

I walked Thomas out the door once he was done giving out all the information i needed to know. Claire had a child? A Katherine? So much has happened and i needed to catch up. The thought of not knowing anything wore me down.

I GOT TO THE CEMETERY FEW MINUTES BEFORE 10, i caught a glimpse of Claire and the friend I'd met in her house walking. I sat still in my Bugatti, fighting the urge to come down and console her. She didn't tell me what happened and telling her i investigated behind her back won't make things better. I decided to just watch her say her final goodbye to her daughter.  It was just the two of them, the pastor and two guys who were helping with the placement of the casket in the ground. The child was a secret, hence the reason why the funeral had just a few people in attendance. Watching Claire cry made me hurt even more and before i knew it, i was crying for her. I clenched my fist to the steering wheel thankful i drove myself down. I watched my claire in agony, pain and all i could do is just watched. Hot tears continued to stream down my cheeks and at that moment i promised to make Claire happy, i don't know what she went through but i want to be there for her, stand for her, take care of her, protect and love her.