IT WAS four in the morning. Madison was already awake, but not because of her bakeshop but because she has to do something secretly. She knew that she shouldn’t hide this from William, but she doesn’t want to see him disappointed in himself again.

Madison heaved a sigh. Why do they have to experience such struggles in their marriage life? She stepped inside the toilet with the pregnancy kit in her hand. Carmela told her to use the kits on a different day so they’ll have two comparisons between the two. But Madison wanted it to have the same results at once.

She thought of William and how he looked fragile when she got negative on her previous pregnancy test. Madison doesn’t know if she still could bear to see him in that state again. She closed her eyes after she dropped a sufficient amount of her pee in the kit. She murmured prayers while waiting, and she hoped that heaven is listening.

After a couple of minutes, Madison opened her eyes and looked at the pregnancy kit in her palm. Tears automatically fell from her eyes as she saw the result. “I’m sorry, William…”

“Why you’re saying sorry?”

Madison turned around and saw her husband standing in the doorway of their toilet. His hair was disarray, and his eyes were still half-lidded. “W-William… It’s still early,” she said and quickly hid the kit behind her. “You should go back to sleep, honey.”

William’s brows furrowed. “What are you hiding, Maddy?” he asked and walked towards her. He looked on the sink and saw the pregnancy kit box. “Is it negative again?”

“William…” Madison hugged him. “I’m sorry…”

But William didn’t hug her back. “I should be the one to say sorry because I can’t give you children…” His shoulders shook, and Madison could feel that he has started to shed tears. “The problem is in me… I knew it, Maddy.”

“No, William, don’t say that,” she said and hugged him even tighter. “We’ll do it better soon. I’m sure I will conceive next time—”

William held her shoulders and pulled her away from him. “I saw the results of our recent tests. You’re doing good, while me…” He lowered his head. “I can’t produce healthy sperms…”

Madison cupped her husband’s face. “It’s not true, honey. We both did great on our recent test, right? You produced healthy sperms—”

“But the count is not enough,” William cut off. “Still not enough, Madison…” He stepped back from her, and Madison felt like he built a wall between them. “Because if there’s really nothing wrong with me, you won’t receive this single line,” he said and snatched the pregnancy test in her hand. “You see? And, you’re planning to hide it from me?”

“William…” Madison started to cry. “William, we can surpass this obstacle together—”

“Obstacle?” he repeated. The so much pain that Madison saw in his face hurt her even more. “So now you considered this as an obstacle?”

“Honey…” Madison reached for his hand, but William avoided her. “There’s still next time. We can try it over again. And, if we failed, then we’ll do it again.” Tears fell from her eyes. “William, don’t lose hope. According to Carmela—”

“Did you tell it to her? I told you to keep it between us, right? I don’t want anyone to know about our problem. That I can’t make you pregnant…” William caught his head. “It’s embarrassing on my side as a man.”

“William, Carmela is my OB-gyne. And she’s our friend,” Madison explained. “She can understand our case because it’s her field of study.”

“Maybe Carmela felt pity for me…” he said in a disappointed tone. “Maybe she’s saying that you’re unfortunate because you married a useless man—”

“William, you know it’s not true!” Madison held his arm. “I married you because I love you, and nothing can change my love for you.”

William looked in her eyes. “Even if I can’t give you children? Will you still choose to stay even if I can’t give you the family that you’re dreaming of having?”

Madison pressed her lips together and held his gaze. “William…” She hesitated. “We’re going to have a baby. Just don’t give up…”

_____________________

“IT’S NEGATIVE…” Madison told Carmela when she went to her clinic to talk to her.

“How about the other test kit?” she asked, not taking her eyes off the clipboard that she’s reviewing since she arrived.

“I haven’t used it,” she said hesitantly.

Carmela looked up at her. “Why? I told you to try it both, right?”

“William saw me when I tried the first one.”

“What did he say?” she asked, suddenly looked worried. “Did he get mad again?”

Madison looked down and started to cry. “He kept saying that he’s useless. That I might leave him if he still can’t make me pregnant.”

Carmela gave her the tissue box. “Just what I thought,” she said with a sigh. “Where is he now?”

“He went to work. I told him to stay at home with me and sort things out, but he insisted on going to work,” she said, still shedding tears. “He said that he doesn’t want to be a jobless and useless husband.” She reached Carmela’s hand on the desk. “Carmela, I don’t know what to do with him anymore… I don’t want him to suffer like this.”

“Did you mention to him about the alternative processes that I suggested?”

Madison shook her head. “I don’t know how I will open the topic to him. William was so disturbed that he snaps with just a simple word related to pregnancy.”

Carmela caught her forehead. “It’s normal to feel devastated and disappointed when receiving a false alarm in pregnancy. But among the two of you, it should be you to feel like that and not him.”

Madison wiped her tears. “He often yells at me, and I noticed that he’s starting to abuse alcohol.” She looked at Carmela worriedly. “I don’t want him to see like this… It hurts me, even more, to see my husband suffered in a problem that we should be facing together.”

“Madison, please don’t get me wrong when I tell you this,” Carmela said and leaned on the table to speak to her in a low tone. “Why don’t you try to bring him to a Psychologist?”

Madison knotted her forehead. “P-Psychologist?”

Carmela nodded. “Because I think William might be having a depression.”

***