Oh who was I kidding!

At the rate I was shaking, I wouldn't be able to do it even after a hundred years. Cold sweat glistened on my brows as I stared down at my own socked feet. My hands were spread like pale starfish around the standard-issue coffee cup that Mr. Miers offered me, and they were cold and shaky, resisting the warmth that struggled to seep into them. My body was reacting like there was a gorilla about to beat the crap out of me instead of being faced with a friendly counselor.

I literally jumped out of my skin when Mr. Miers spoke, "Miss Valdez, are you alright?"

"Huh? What! I'm...I'm fine." I don't know how I managed the words but I am glad I did.

Mr. Miers silently sighed and said, "Miss. Valdez, I don't know why you are here but I understand it must be something devastating for you to find it so difficult to talk about. So please, take your time." He rubbed my back in a soothing manner to calm my nerves, "There's no hurry."

God! I was so pathetic. Hadn't I decided I was going to do it? I'd already said my piece to two people prior Mr. Miers. So, why was I so anxious now? This was so weird. Maybe because I had never been to a counselor before. Or maybe because I was not sure if I wanted Mr. Miers to know about my abnormalities? Whatever the reason, I couldn't back down now. "...I...Mr. Miers, for a really long time...I have been suffering from an anxiety disorder." I blurted out in a shaky tone. See? Now how hard was that?

Pft! Who was I kidding again. If only you could see my face you would know, I was crying my butt out like a five year old.

"Shhh! Shh! Saraphina, Saraphina it's okay. Everything's going to be alright." Mr. Miers's voice provided such warmth and compassion that I felt like I was floating in my own exclusive safe bubble. He rubbed my back in an appeasing manner and spoke softly, "Saraphina...Saraphina listen to me, true healing takes time, there are no magic wands for deep pain. The pain leaves scars. Sometimes the scars fade away, but sometimes they leave deep-seated blisters. But don't believe that these blister would never heal. With time and will, even blisters can be cured. Trust me, alright." I nodded mutely and we stayed like that for a while, all the while he spoke words of concern for me. Sigh! What was I afraid of? I guess, Mr. Miers's greatest gift was his compassion for others. His compassion was the bridge for me to cross over and finally reach out for help. Certainly, it took time to trust my weight to it, but eventually I did. And I showed him all my scars, the mess I was, and the fear. And like I thought he would, he welcomed it all.

All these years, I've been hiding the mess that I was from everyone, and trying to pretend I was fine, when I was far from it. It felt good to finally let it all out.

"How are you feeling?" He asked when I was done with my sob-story.

I took in a deep breath and said, "Actually, I'm feeling pretty refreshed."

"That's good to hear." He smiled like an angel at me and I couldn't help smile back, though I looked like a smiling raccoon I didn't care. "I know it might be a bit personal but as your counselor, may I ask why you have to play for Eric Warnard? I mean, you are not obligated to play the piano for Mr. Warnard but yet here you are, trying to cure your phobia to be able to play for him. Why must it be you who have to play for him?" Crap! I told him, the reason I was trying to cure my phobia was so that I could play for Eric but I didn't tell him why I had to be the one to play for him. What do I tell him now!

"...I...that is...Mr. Miers, that is not a story for me to tell. I'm so sorry." What else was I supposed to say, there was no plausible excuse for this.

"I understand Saraphina, Mr. Warnard's secret is not something you can disclose to an outsider. And honestly, I don't want to interfere in your personal life but I need to know this to be able to help you Saraphina, are you in love with Eric Warnard?" The question came out so fluidly from Mr. Miers's mouth I almost didn't catch it. Then my brain stuttered for a moment and my eyes took in more light than I expected, I mean they grew the size of an owl's. Every part of me went on pause while my thoughts finally caught up.

"Wha-What! NO! Why would you think that again?" I stuttered like a dying carp. "I already told you we're only friends."

"Saraphina, it's not that I'm trying to analyze you or judge you. I just want to know what you think of Eric Warnard. Why you are trying so hard for him. If you are not in love with him then, is he forcing you to do it?" Mr. Miers was amazing. An amazing analyzer that is. But I was not about to admit it to him.

"No, it's nothing like that. Eric is just my friend. One of my few friends that is." I muttered in an awkward manner. "He's in bit of a pickle and he needs my help. I just want to help him in any way I can."

"...I see. Forgive me for misunderstanding." Mr. Miers responded, apologetically. "You see, the first thing to understand about phobias is to understand how we create it in our minds. And the way to overcome a phobia has two aspects - rehearsing and anchoring. Now, rehearsing is the easy part, the complicated part is the anchoring. You need something strong, something intense to go through anchoring. And I thought, if you were in love with Eric and if you were ready to face your fears for him, he could be your anchor."

Okay, I understood little to nothing of what Mr. Miers was talking about but I nodded the same. "So, Saraphina...I need to know what exactly you feel for Eric Warnard." Now that, was a tough question.

"...I...I don't know." I blurted out, confused.

"Please Saraphina." Mr. Miers' pleading tone had me in a bind, and I sighed, "...I...It's complicated."

"I'm not telling you to focus on all the things that went down between you guys, and how you felt at all those times. I'm telling you to focus at that one moment when you decided to help him out. When you decided he was going to be a part of your world. How did you feel at that time?" He asked. Before, my feelings were all over the place. Because the relationship with Eric, was a hot and cold one. But when Mr. Miers made it specific, it was as clear as daylight.

"I find myself empathizing with him. For some strange reason I can't seem to leave him alone. Even though he is just a prick and an ass, when I see him so...I don't know, broken; when I listen to his woes I'm moved every time. He's rude and arrogant, but unexpectedly so, he comes to my rescue every time. It's contradicting, but I feel safe as well as vulnerable when I am with him. And I don't know whether he is a good person or not, whether it's okay to trust him or not. I'm always indecisive when it comes to him, but I know I won't sit back and watch when I find him in trouble. Now what do you call that?" I huffed out loud. It would be awesome if Mr. Miers would have the answer to these unstable feelings.

"...That, my dear is what we call a good person." He said. What! He must have read my mind just then, because he chuckled softly and explained, "I'm saying you are a good person Saraphina. Only a good person would feel another's pain like you do and would empathize. You think of Eric Warnard as your friend and it is a natural reaction for you to act that way towards a friend. Now you may feel various emotions towards him, but after all that has been said and done, you would still run out to help him if he was in trouble, right?" And I bobbed my head to that. "You see all his good points amidst all his flaws and recognize his strengths. That is because you consider him your close friend. It is as simple as that." At that moment, everything seemed to be at a state of tranquility. An unsolved puzzle felt completely flawless to me, as if I need not go out of my way to find all the other pieces. I finally got my answers. Thank God I was not in love with him. Imagine the disaster.

"Thank you Mr. Miers. You're awesome." I said, quite gleefully.

"You're welcome Saraphina. We shall continue our talk in our next session. But remember, rehearsing is just as important. Now, I know how hard that is for you but no pain, no gain. You have to put yourself out there and try to overcome whatever is stripping you off your confidence."

"So what are you suggesting sir?" I asked.

"I'm just telling you to try and play for Eric when it's just the two of you." He replied. "Now I don't mean you have to play right in front of him and very excellently so, just play how you normally do. Start playing before he appears before you. You'll know that he would be there any minute and try to play in the knowledge that he might hear you as you are playing. It's okay to take a break if you're too nervous, but just give it a try. Slow and steady wins the race, hmm."

"...For such a fashionable teacher, you tend to speak plenty of wise old proverbs huh!" I mumbled back and he conferred me a hearty laughter.

"See you later Mr. Miers. And thank you for listening." I smiled as I took off from Mr. Miers' office.

"See you later Saraphina, have a nice day. Oh! And Saraphina..." I reared my head up in response, "If nothing else works, just close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Then play like you are detached from this world." It only dawned on me later that Mr. Miers was addressing me by my first name.

...••••...

Remember Sara, No pain, No gain. You've got this girl. Just play how you normally do. Don't think about anything else. I kept reeling those words repeatedly inside my head as I sat in front of the grand piano stationed in Eric's room, trying to get some music out of it. Normally, I was not the kind of person to invade someone else's place while the person was not around, specially not a boy. But Eric gave me special permission to enter his room whenever I felt like playing after we reconciled that day in the library; which was unexpectedly sweet of him. And pretty unforeseen, considering the guy hated it if I or anyone for that matter touched his stuff without his permission. He said it was compensation for his lousy behavior and handed me his spare room key. I was not big on the idea of visiting Eric's room without him around since I always felt so unsettled whenever I was here. But today was a special case.

I placed my fingers on the piano keys and they shook like someone was choking the life out of them. "Goddamnit! What's wrong with you girl! You're acting like there's a tiger right behind you ready to pouch you if you move." I yelled at myself in frustration.

I let out a huff and reminded myself of Mr. Miers' words, 'If nothing else works, just close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing.'

"Play like you're detached from the world," I muttered to myself and took in a deep breath. "Concentrate, concentrate."

I stopped my chaotic train of thoughts and slowly fell into a deep subconscious. There was nothing there but me and my music. Gradually it flowed through my veins and convened into my fingers. And then I played.

There are times it feels as if the music is teaching my brain how to flow, how to be so peaceful. It's as if the slowly changing tone touches different parts, a sort of auditory massage for my mind. Now was such a time. Everything came alive around me and I could feel even the slightest shift in the air so deeply that even the fall of a feather would have been noticed by me.

Once more, I remembered how it felt for me to be just with my music. It was a nostalgic feeling. Once again, I could feel the clarity in my soul, I couldn't know for sure that today would be better than yesterday, or if this time would be any different but at that moment I felt like soaring in the sky. Like nothing could stop me anymore.

I hummed dulcet tones along with my song, creating a wordless melody; something to help me drift further away to a reassuring Neverland. The melody swam through my cerebral cortex like a wakeful dream, the notes relaxing me, enabling the song to call to my entire being.

I felt free. Free of all mundane shackles that held me down for so long. A cool breeze came in through the huge windows of Eric's room and softly ran its icy fingers through my hair as I grinned through my chapped lips. For once, I was where I wanted to be, and I was perfectly content with it all.

Everything was magnificent and stupendous for a while. But then...the spell was broken with a sneeze.

Always just like in the fairy tales, the prince had to break the spell.

"Why did you stop?" Eric frowned at me, "Keep playing."

"Yeah right. As if it's the easiest thing to do on earth." I sighed back.

"What's so hard about it? You just close your eyes and continue on with what you were up to." He shrugged.

I just rolled my eyes at his nonchalance and said, "If it were so easy would you have to be sneaking around walking on eggshells all over the place when I'm playing?"

"Damn my sneezing." He cursed and I let out a heedless laughter to that.

"Don't fret my man, good things comes to those who wait," I said, feeling quite smug about myself for sounding so wise.

"Right! Seems like I am rubbing off on you." He smiled, looking quite smug himself.

Sigh! How could I have forgotten this guy's narcissistic temperament. "Haven't you heard, beauty attracts the eyes but personality captures the heart?"

"Mmhmm...I really have taught you well. Well done me!" He smirked in that cocky disposition of his and I just rolled my eyes so hard I was afraid someday I would eye roll myself into another dimension.

"Whatever Warnard, I'm done here. How about wemofff..." To the ladies that gracefully walk around all day wearing high heels, I admire you. And to the ladies that somehow manage to fall over their own feet wearing flip flops who, apparently has been telling themselves their whole lives that they are not clumsy, they just do random gravity check, you guys are my soul sisters.

I mean who even stumbles upon nothingness and falls face flat on the floor? Me! That's who. And that's not even the worst part of it all, the worst care scenario is when you trip into nothing and skid over the tiles to topple and lunge into the most notorious rich boy of your school. Oh wait for it, there's more. With my luck, it couldn't be just that. I was on top of Eric Warnard and my slobbering mouth was on him. Literally, beautifully and coincidentally on him. Both of us were beyond dumbfounded. For a moment, Eric stayed stunned, his eyes rested, not unblinking but slowed; holding me in his gaze. But slowly and surely, the profundity of the situation sank into him and his eyes went from bleak to as wide as a saucer. I just wanted to pack up and walk straight to hell now.

"FreakingFuckityFuck!" I shrieked as I rolled away and sprung to my feet as swift as a hare.

Eric still stayed lying on his floor, looking like he was struck by lightning. A look of aghast plastered to his pretty face. Was kissing me that much of a shock! Wait! That was not even a kiss. That was just an accidental peck. No, that was not even a peck. That was an utter accident. I was a brilliant shade of red as I stood contemplating with myself over the unfortunate turn of events.

"...You know, it takes real skill to trip over completely nothing with just sneakers on. Congratulations, you're beyond skilled." Eric slowly got up and muttered. The words themselves were not hurtful or conniving, but the way he said it made all the difference. They were his first clipped words after a long while. That and his intense glare somehow had my chest infernally tightened up. I visibly wilted under his gaze and crap, I was scared.

"...I...I...That so can't be my first kiss!" I screeched in a ditsy pitch.

Me and my stupid mouth.

TO BE CONTINUED...