Saudade

I held unto my chest as I start vomiting on the toilet, its happening again, and it hurts.

My chest feels constricted, like I can't breathe, like I'm burning.

My throat hurts already, please stop.

My heart starts to beat faster as I keep throwing up.

A mixture of blood and forget-me-not petals, a view only myself can see whenever I start to feel my heart and chest hurting, whenever I see them together this happens.

Ah! unrequited love, why do you have to be so cruel?

"Mona, are you in here?"

"Shit-"

"Ramona?"

"I-I'm here, sorry, hold on!" I quickly flushed the toilet and wiped the sides of my mouth.

"Are you okay?" Greta asked as I walk out of the toilet cubicle;

"Yeah I'm okay" I went straight to the sink to wash my hands and rinse my mouth.

"You look really pale, did it happen again?" She asked sounding really worried, I can't blame her, I shouldn't have told her.

.I nodded as I took paper towels from the nearby dispenser, wiping my hands and face.

Oliver Weiss Ollie I met him way back kindergarten, he was shy, awkward and has a bird nest for hair. He just moved in our little town of North Vernon, Indiana. His mother died of an illness that he doesn't want to talk about so we don't pry and that's one of the many reasons why they had to move and also because he's dad's job was relocated here too. Kids in the kindergarten would make fun of him because he doesn't talk when you speak with him so he is often bullied for that. Greta and I had been best friend's since then so we decided to be his friend instead, it took a lot of my toys and biscuits to bribe him to play with us but after days of insisting and annoying him he finally gave in and started to open up, he was still shy and awkward but at least he acknowledges that you're talking to him and he listens. And that's when it started, the three of us were inseparable, where one goes the two has to follow.

Ollie and Greta were everything to me and they were my only friends, they were familiar and I like that.

When Spring started so did University and so did my feelings for Ollie. I used to see him as a shy boy with an awkward smile and a missing front tooth but now on our senior year in College, everything suddenly changed. The shy lanky boy in college became taller, his hair was no longer a bird's nest but now styled to a perfect quiff with some pomade, his built became muscular from all the extracurricular sports he does after school, he became really handsome and popular. I just suddenly took notice of him.

One night, during the last days of our junior year we were 'camping' at my backyard since we all went home to our parents for summer, we were waiting for Greta to bring the snack from the kitchen, laying on the trampoline staring at the stars; I don't know what came over me but I stared at him as he talk and as his lips move I watched it and everything happening around me was drowned out. After that I notice myself spacing out every time I stare at him.

I became conscious of my feelings for him until recently. He went to a soccer training camp once the summer started, We we're all able to apply for the same college and he got a sports scholarship. I thought I would be able to forget about my feelings then since I won't be seeing him but it made me long for him more and that was enough proof for me that I have really fallen in love with Ollie. That's why when spring started so did University and it was the first time I'm seeing him after the summer long break he was away. I saw him with his friends from the soccer club and some cheerleaders were hanging around too but what made me concerned was he has his arm around the cheer squads' cheer captain, Felicity Tompkins. She was this University's poster girl, everybody want's to be her or be friend's with her. She was the nicest girl you would ever meet and she's pretty, intelligent and has a good body not to mention she's talented when it comes to dancing too, no wonder she's the cheer captain.

I felt my chest hurting, thus being in my situation right now.

"When are you going back to the doctor?" Greta asked.

"I think next week." I answered.

Hanahaki disease, I have been diagnosed with it not even a month ago. It has been a common disease lately or so I've heard. It happens to people who experiences unrequited love, a small seed in the heart starts to bloom and grows in the heart and lungs area making it hard to breathe, it grows and grows until eventually it suffocates you. From time to time it makes you cough up blood and flower petals, the flower petals depends on what you truly feel towards the person, sometimes the petal's color differ with the other person's favorite color or flower. It is being triggered by jealousy and insecurity.

The cure? the cure would be either the person you love loves you back or you get the infection surgically removed but that would make your whole memory of loving that person and your feelings with them to disappear, sometimes in other cases after the surgery it makes you unable to feel and show love.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Greta offered.

"No thank you, I will manage by myself." I gave her a quick smile.

Ah! unrequited love, why do you have to be so cruel?

* disclaimer: Hanahaki Disease is a fictional illness and I in no way claim that I own the said disease's original idea however this story idea is made from my pure imagination.