To Promise Forever

Anya has a home pregnancy test in the back of her bathroom cabinet. It’s hidden well in the back, but I’ve never known my sister to be without one, and sure enough, after moving a few pill bottles and a bottle of witch-hazel toner, I spot it.

I have to make sure it isn’t expired or anything first, so I find the expiry date. I’m still good for a few months. 

I debate whether or not to take it downstairs to the guest bathroom so I can take it there, but my sister is on a date and Emma is sleeping peacefully, so I decide that I might as well take it there, in her bathroom.

I read the instructions as if I haven’t done this before a few times.

Anya’s toilet seat broke (she won’t tell me how), so I have to perch on the rim, which is cold. I uncap the stick and hold it carefully. 

And then I’m reading the instructions again because three minutes is suddenly a long time to wait and I don’t know what to do with myself.

My period is only a little bit late. It doesn’t have to mean I’m pregnant. That can happen, right? Especially with everything that’s been going on… the stress could be affecting my hormones. That’s probably what’s happening. I’m just overreacting.

And anyway, I would’ve kept track of it better if everything wasn’t up in the air like it is now.

I check the timer on my phone. The first minute hasn’t even elapsed.

I keep my back to the test, which is right up against the back of the sink. I don’t want to watch the result reveal itself. If I don’t watch the little results window, then it won’t be positive. 

That’s what I promise myself.

If I don’t watch the little results window, then it won’t be positive.

If it’s not positive then Neil won’t have to know anything and I figure out what to do without this in the way.

I just needed some time to think clearly after everything that’s been going on between Neil and me, and I don’t want to throw a curveball and confuse everything further.

I check my phone again. 

I’m halfway there.

Why couldn’t Anya have gotten the one-minute pregnancy tests? Was three minutes all she could find?

I put the phone down. I tell myself that if I don’t look at it until the timer goes off, then I won’t be pregnant.

Not now.

Maybe I should’ve gone to the hospital, or waited it out a bit and then gone in a few days if I didn’t feel better. It could be that I simply have the flu or a virus or something and that’s why I’ve been feeling a little sick and tired. Maybe Emma picked something up at the park when we went and passed it on to me. She did feel a little warm that day – I remember giving her a kiss goodnight some weeks ago and thinking that she felt a little warm. That was probably it.

I want to check my phone again. Maybe the timer has gone off but it’s on mute, so I haven’t heard it. Or maybe my finger slipped and I accidentally canceled the timer the last time I checked it. I put my hand over my phone, but it takes everything in me not to lift it up and take a look.

If I take a look, I will be pregnant.

Neil will have to know if I’m pregnant. Even if we’re separated.

And then my stomach flips. 

Ari.

I’ll have to decide if I’m keeping it.

- But that’s only if I’m pregnant.

It’s probably hormones and stress and a virus or something. I’m not pregnant. I still have the coil. And after Nyla and Emma and getting married, I never thought I’d have to worry about this sort of thing again. The night I broke up with Adam, as we lay in bed, Neil promised me forever. If I was pregnant then we’d celebrate, because we’d be together. That’s what forever meant.

But that was five years ago.

The timer goes off. With trembling fingers, I reach for my phone and silence the timer.

I give the test a few extra seconds, saying a little prayer to please let this not be happening. Not now with everything the way it is.

Please.

I turn around.

I don’t have to pick up the test to see it.

It’s positive.