In the morning, I get up and change into my running gear. Anya’s bedroom is on the far side of the house, but if I know anything about my sister it's that she likes to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling right after she wakes up.

Since she just woke up, Emma is still quiet as I bundle her into my arms, but as I plant a million kisses on her face, making loud smacking noises each time my lips met her skin, she lets out a giggle.

I pick up my phone and take a short video of me and Emma, saying good morning and send it to Neil to play for Nyla. Once it’s delivered, I take Emma to my sister's room.

“Mm - Morning,” Anya mumbles, as Emma cozies into her.

“Morning,” I say,

Emma gives my sister a wide smile, but I can tell she’s still not fully awake.

“Going on a run?” Anya asks, taking me in with one eye.

“Yeah,”

“You shouldn’t be running this much,” Anya mumbles. I don’t say anything in return and she acquiesces,  giving me a one-shouldered shrug and waving me off.

“Bye Em,” I sing.

“Bye,” Emma says, softly.

It’s not incredibly early, so there are quite a few people out and about today. I decide to take a route that leads past our house - the house we were living in before we moved for Neil’s job. It’s still ours; we just let it out.

I stretch, walk towards the sidewalk, pick a playlist to listen to and I’m off. One foot in front of the other. I let my pace be the only thing I think about, reaching a steady rhythm in my mind as I take each foot-fall in.

I could be myself in another timeline, I think. I could be myself when I came here with Neil just before we got married, in a time that feels so far away now. The town hasn’t really changed that much, maybe if I stopped for a moment and put my hand down to my belly, I would feel a little bump there; Emma, when she was just an exciting concept and I was only six months along. All this trouble now will have just been a dream.

Or I could be myself in a time when Emma was already here and Neil and I hadn’t heard about the opening in Auland. We still lived in what we thought was our forever home, and at night, rocking Emma back to sleep, I thought of how full my life was, and how happy we were, even when we were exhausted. If I reach down, maybe I will feel the soft pouch I had after Emma.

Or maybe I’m myself a few months ago, when we had just moved and Neil and I were so excited about his position, and that we were in a new town full of exciting opportunities. Before things started changing. Maybe I’ve come to check on Anya and I’s hair salon as I usually do every week. I sleep over and go for a run and then I go home. Maybe that’s what’s happening right now and Neil and I are fine.

I reach down and touch my belly, but there’s no bump, no softness... nothing. 

I come up to our old street, but I can’t bring myself to go down it and to face the happiness that I didn’t know I was leaving behind. I keep going, climbing the road until I get to the next street over.

Slowing my pace to a fast walk, I gradually descend, taking another turn when I get to the end of the road. I'm taking the long way back, but I need the space to think... or clear my mind. It’s like there are too many thoughts going through it, and I’m either continuously trying to push them away or sort through them for answers, or some indication on what to do; how to fix this all, and questioning whether I’m making the right decisions.

My throat feels tight, but not because I’m out of breath.

“Lyss?”

I look up, and it takes me a second to realize that I’m approaching a man in dark sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt clutching with a golden retriever on a leash. It’s Ari.

I blink back my tears and smile.

“Oh my god,” I say, sheepishly. “What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here?” He retorts. His dog, Max, is straining at his lead to get to me. I move closer and crouch, scratching him around his neck. It's also an excuse not to let Ari see my face.

“Did you come to check on the salon?” Ari asks.

I’ve composed myself as much as I can, and, hoping it’s enough, I straighten up. “Uh, no, actually,” I say. “I... took your advice and came to...” Ari waits expectantly for me to finish the sentence, but I can’t find the words, so I give him another tight smile instead. He returns it, but I can still see the concern in his eyes so I quickly interject, “What are you doing here?”

“I live here,” he says. “This is my new place.”

“Oh, right,” I say, noticing that we’re standing just next to a block of upscale apartments. “Right!” I repeat. “Of course. Duh.” I cringe. “Do people still say ‘duh’?” I ask.

He laughs. “I don’t know. Maybe...” He shrugs. “I’ll let it slide because it’s you,”

“Thanks,” I muse.

“Are you heading back to your sister’s?”

“Yeah, I took the long way around,” I glance at him. “I meant to go past our house,”

“How is it?”

“I couldn’t,” I supply, with a small smile. 

I don’t know if he gets it, but he nods once, understandingly. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“It’s okay,” I say, even though it isn’t. My throat feels tight again, and seeming to sense my emotions, Max gently nudges his head under my fingers. I give him a grateful pat on the head. Keeping my eyes lowered to Max’s warm brown ones, I sigh. “I’m going to head back.”

“Let me walk you,” Ari offers.

“You really don’t have to Ar,”

“Please?” He says.

“It’s pretty far. I don’t want to throw off your schedule or something.”

“I’ll walk you halfway,” He says. “Or all the way. I have a couple of days off anyway, I’m not doing anything. Max and I could use the exercise.”

I relent, and we step off.

“I have an idea,” Ari starts. “You seem in need of cheering up, and I’m pretty bored. Why don’t we go down to the alley and get day-drunk on some shitty beers while we go bowling?”

I turn to him and laugh. “Well I’d love to but Anya might be just a little upset I dumped my two-year-old on her just so I could go day drinking with her ex.”

Ari grimaces. “Yikes,” He says.

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know you brought Emma,”

“I couldn’t leave her behind.”

“What about Nyla?”

“I couldn’t take her out of school,” I explain. He nods. We come to an intersection closer to town, and have to wait for the pedestrian light to turn green so we can cross.

“Well, if you ever feel bored, I’m down for whenever,” Ari says, as we start crossing. “Or we could do something else instead, something kid-friendly like go to the park or something,”

“Thanks.” I stuff my hands in my pocket. “Are we even allowed to be friends though?” I tease. “I mean, what’s the protocol here? You’re my sister’s ex and I’m your best friend’s now estranged wife.” I wriggle my fingers in the air to give the last couple of words a silly emphasis.

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Ari laughs. He elbowing me gently. “And besides, you’re not estranged. You’re just taking some time to think.”

“Likewise, you’re not my sister’s ex, you’re... nope, that’s exactly what you are!”

“Oh, ha-ha,” He says. “The point is, we’re an unlikely pairing. That’s what makes for the best day-drinking buddies. It’s exactly why we need to go day-drinking, Lyss.”

“Okay, you need to explain your obsession with day-drinking. Some of us have lives to live.”

“Ouch,” he says, putting his hand over his heart, but he's smiling.

We walk in silence for a block or so, and I sigh, coming to a stop. “You okay if I run from here?” I say. “I know it’s not halfway.”

Ari shrugs. “Yeah okay.”

“Thanks for walking me this far though,” I tell him. “You did cheer me up.”

“You’re welcome,” he says.

“Bye Max!”I say, crouching to give him another scratch around his ears. He smiles, his mouth opening to let his tongue out as he pants happily. Straightening up, I smile. “I’d give you a hug but I’m probably sweaty and gross.

“I don’t mind,” Ari says. My eyes meet his and I feel my cheeks warm, even though he’s kidding. There’s something intimate about hugging someone and not caring if you’re sweaty.

Remembering myself, I laugh.

"Well, I do," I say. He shrugs and gives me a long look.

"Your loss," he jests, but he’s reaching for my face. My eyebrows meet in confusion.

“You have a ladybug in your hair,” he explains, gently pulling it out. He holds out his finger so I can see it for myself. It's small and yellow, like a sunflower, and just as I’ve taken it in, it opens its wings and flies away. Neil always tells Nyla to make a wish when she sees one. I've never asked him why. The thought makes me feel strangely sad. I turn to go.

"Thanks," I say, gruffly. "For walking me. And for the ladybug."

He shrugs easily. “Text me if you want to hang out or talk, okay?” Ari says.

“I will.” I tell him. I falter. “Should I tell Anya you say hi?” I ask.

Ari’s face changes slightly… but I can’t quite read the emotion behind his expression. Hesitantly he says, “Um, I’m not sure Anya would like to hear from me just yet, Alyssa.”

“What happened with you guys?” I ask. Ari looks away, scratching his head. I can tell he’s closing himself off. “Look,” I explain, “I don’t mean to pry. It’s just… you guys seemed so happy. I wish you’d give yourselves a chance to work things out. We were all this happy little foursome – you and my sister and Neil and I… and now it's like everything is falling apart.”

“Alyssa,”

“Neither of you will even talk about what happened, Ar.”

He swallows, and something passes over his face again. There is a long silence.

“Was there someone else?” I press, grasping at strings. It’s just a question, but when his eyes meet mine something in them looks almost… guilty. “Did you cheat on her?” I ask.

“No. – No,” he says, definitively. “No. I would never do that.”

“Then what?” I press. “Anya’s not the same. It’s like she’s bitter sometimes… or angry or something. I just want to know what happened.”

“Angry with herself, more like,” Ari says, quietly. His eyes are lowered. I start to ask him what he means but he stops me. “Look, maybe you should ask your sister about all this.”

I study his face. “Whatever it is, I wish you’d work it out.”

He presses his lips into a thin line. “Why don’t you get going?” He suggests, gripping Max’s leash tighter. “Text me when you get home.”

“Okay,” I say, but he’s already walking away.

*

When I make it back home, Anya is in the kitchen making some scrambled eggs. I grab a water bottle from the refrigerator and down about half of it before I've even said anything. Emma is on the floor playing with her tablet. 

"I guess it was a good run," Anya says. 

"Yeah," I take a moment to catch my breath, taking another sip of the water. “I ran into Ari,” I start.

It’s momentary, but I see my sister falter as she slides a tray of bacon out of the oven.

“Mm.” she says vaguely.

“He walked me part of the way.”

“I’ll bet he did,” Anya murmurs.

I feel my eyebrows meeting in confusion.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask.

Anya looks up at me. “Nothing.”

There is a prolonged silence. I know I shouldn’t press her so much about this but I feel like I can’t help it sometimes. A few months ago, Anya was talking about getting married, and how Ari was practically living with her. The next thing I knew, it was over. It just didn’t make sense to me. And it didn’t make sense how distant she had become after it.

I nibble on my bottom lip, hesitant to proceed but finding that my curiosity is getting the better of me.

“What happened between you guys?” I ask. 

Anya turns to the eggs, stirring them with the spatula and taking them off the hob before switching it off. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now,” she says.

“I get it… I just… I asked him if there was someone else and he had this weird look on his face, An,” I explain.

Anya sneers. “Of course, he fucking did,” She bites.

I feel my eyebrows meet in confusion. My stomach turns ominously, a new suspicion dawning on me. “Was it someone I know?” I ask. If it is, it could explain why she’s pulled away. Anya doesn’t answer, instead she portions out the eggs into our plates, and I simply watch her for a moment.  I bring my voice down and make an effort to sound calming s she knows I don’t mean to start a fight with her. “Did you… cheat?” I ask, finally. 

“Excuse me?” Anya snaps.

“I’m just trying to understand-”

“It’s not your job to understand.” She bites.

“I want to help, An. You guys were so happy-” 

Anya tosses the pan in the sink, and Emma jumps. “It’s none of your fucking business what happens in my relationships, Lyss. If you want to help then stay out of it, okay?” 

“Okay.” I pause. “I’m sorry.” Anya doesn’t say anything to this so I pick Emma up. “I’m going to shower really quickly before we sit down,” I say. “Just stick my plate in the oven or something.”