MEMORIES

I was about to flip the page of the book I'm reading when a loud and talkative two girls come to me.

"Syrah" it was Giny, smiling widely at me. Giny is standing with all confidence and Elegance. She's wearing a Gucci classy above the knee dress and her expensive shades are on top of her head.

"How have you been, Syrah?" it's Gany. Giny's twins sister.

The two of them are really gorgeous and elegant. Surely, many of the peoples they've encountered envied them for having everything. I'm not really envy of them not because they're so beautiful and elegant. What makes me feel envy is that they are really confident with whoever are they.

I wish I could be like them.

"Hi," I answered and closed the book. I stand up and welcomed them.

"So, still alone." Gany said as she scanned the place. We are on the pool side where the ambiance looks really nice and peaceful. One of my favorite place here.

"You're alone, again." Giny said. She walked towards the recliners and she sat on the first recliner while removing her shades. "So, how are you?" she asked nicely.

"Did our cousin tell you that we're coming?" Gany asked. They're Chris's cousins.

Obviously, Chris didn't tell me because of what happened last night. I'm sure he'll tell me that these two are coming so I won't be surprised but maybe he forgot about it. He was restless again, always because of me.

"Nah, He didn't." I answered as I turn my gaze on Giny. "I'm fine, How about you?" she smiled and stood up and hurriedly ran next to me. She crossed her left arm on my right arm while grinning.

"I've been doing great, actually. I have lots of something to tell you. That's interesting so you better listen to me," she was talking very loud as if I'm fifty meters away from her.

Gany rolled her eyes on her twin sister. Yes, Gany and Giny have a lot of similarities. From face, class, likes and fashions. But I must say that Gany is much more girly--not on the things but the way she talked. Giny is really talkative and loud, totally opposite of Gany on that.

"Can you please talk smoothly? Lessen your voice. You are not on a war neither in fights. Act finely." Gany preached Giny but her younger twin sister just pouted as if she’s a baby. Gany is older than Giny for five minutes.

"Childish." Gany commented. She looked at me as if she's telling me to come with them. Are they going shop again?

Chris told me that I'm three years older than them. They're still college students. I look at them and I just can't really ignore their self-confidence.

That's what I always observe on the people around me, their confidence.

I really wanted to be like them. I could try it if I want but there's a feeling in me that's beholding me back. I don't want to socialize with different peoples and make a chats with them. I am not easy to be with. I don't like to cup up with others. I'd rather stay at home all day and also I don't think I have the guts to go on parties or what.

Unlike the others, I'm introverted. I act fine in front of them but deep inside I'm shaking and trembling in an unknown feelings. Such a weirdo.

"Let's go somewhere!" Giny said and pull me with her. We ran towards the living room. Gany was just on our back, following us.

"Where are we going?" I asked and stopped from walking.

"Shopping!" they spontaneously said together. They’re really twins.

"What? I don't-" Gany cut me off. She knows I don't want to go and I know that she won't agree. The two of them won't stop until they convinced me to come with them.

"C'mon! You've been locking yourself here, Syrah. You just go out of here when you and Chris have to attend some important parties or when he brings you on his office. C'mon let's go shopping! Nothing bad will happen if you go outside. Try to expose yourself." Gany said softly. She has a point, I really need to expose myself to lots of people but I have to take it easy. They seem like convincing me by saying 'Nothing bad will happen so I don't have anything to worry about.

These two understands me as if they really know me for a long time. But we just met after my two months discharged on the hospital after my accident, maybe a year ago.

"Trust us, Sy." Giny said while smiling at me.

"I'll just go and change." I said before going upstairs to change. I saw how the two of them smiled. They visit me once every month. I don't know why but maybe because they pity me for not having even just one friend.

Giny thought my life was totally lonely and boring, well she's definitely right. While, Gany she seems like she understands me deeply even though I'm not telling them even just a single word to express what I really feel weird inside. With just one stare, she can tell if I'm bothered or not. Maybe, I was just really readable.

Maybe my eyes speak louder than my mouth. My eyes speak when even my mouth couldn't.

We're on the seventh boutique now. We've been--I mean they've been shopping a lot since earlier. I just bought dresses and clothes that really caught my attention.

They're still fitting the dresses that caught their attention on this boutique. I was just looking at them when my phone suddenly rang. And my husband's name appeared.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Where are you? Are you with the twins? Why didn't you tell me that you're going out? I should have come. What if something might-" I cut him off because he's being over protective this time.

I blew a light breathe before answering him.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me. At least I'm trying to expose myself on a place that has a lot of people. It might help me." I told him, convincing him that I'm really fine.

"But you're shaking inside. I told you to take it easy." looks like I can't convince my husband. I don't know where he's coming from but maybe he's just afraid that my anxiety will suddenly attack me.

"I'm coming, wait for me there. I'm near but its traffic." I nodded feels like I'm in front of him but what he said sink on my mind late. How come that he's near?

"Who told you where we are?" I asked him confused. Gany and Giny didn't take their phone while we're together. We didn't even tell the maids.

"It's not important." he said and ended the call.

"Syrah, it's nice with you. Try this." it was Gany.

"And this one," Giny said.

I look at them and Gany was holding three elegant dresses while Giny's holding five classy dresses. I smiled at them before nodding that I will try the dresses.

"Alright, try this three first!" Gany said.

"Nah, try this five first!" it’s Giny .

"No, this three should be the first dresses she should try!" Gany spoke again.

Before they start a nonsense conversation I cut them off by a question.

"Did you guys tell Chris that we go out?" I ask but their expression says that they didn't. They shook their head on the same time.

"Maybe he asked the driver. You know, your husband is really protective after of what happened to you." Gany said. I just nooded and get the three. They both followed me as I walked on the fitting room.

After thirty minutes Chris hasn't come yet. Maybe he got stranded on traffic or what but I know he's coming.

"Ouch, my feet hurts," Giny the baby said.

"Let's go and eat. I'm hungry." Gany look at me and on her twin.

I was just on their back following them but something made me stop from walking. The girls didn't notice that I stop from walking either, they are busy chatting.

I look at someone walking on an opposite direction of mine. He looks at me and gave me weird stares. It's like he knows me and kind--surprised for seeing me here, like my existence bothers him. He looks chubby and nerdy.

He looked so scared of something at me and I don't know why. Did I do something bad on him on my past that I can't remember? Does he know me? No one knows me from my past but Chris and his family. But I'm not sure with that.

I didn't look back instead I continued walking as if I wasn't bother by the looks. And it feels like the half of me wants me to look intimidating and powerful on that person's eyes.

"You are the witnessed of what happened, right?" A professional man asked while walking in front of a chubby guy.

My eye was forming another tears wishing that he won't take back of what he have said.

"You made a statement, right? That you saw what happened with your two eyes. And you saw the culprits and the victim. So now, Can you please point the victim you saw that night," I'm hoping that he would point me but he just look at me and turn his gaze on the jerks. He looks scared and pathetic but I do look more pathetic.

Everyone was waiting for his response but he suddenly shook his head and look directly on the judge.

"I apologize, your honor. I was wrong. I didn't see anything. What I saw is not them." I got shocked because of what he said.

"What?! Don't take back of your statement! C'mon tell us the truth!" a lady and a man besides me stop me from shouting.

"I was wrong, your honor. Please accept my sincere apology." my tears rolled down my face again. That's the last hope I have. He's the last hope that I have to put the jerks behind the bars but then... He took back of what he said. He lied. He's lying now. My tears didn't stop from rolling and my sobs stop as I forgot to breath. I'm mad, hopeless, helpless and pathetic.

My head suddenly hurts and my breathings seem wrong. I inhale and exhale to keep myself calm. I touched my head and I feel cold sweats on my forehead.

"Tell us the truth!"

"Please accept my apology."

"You're lying! Tell us the truth! You were there!"

"Order in the court," I shut myself when the judge was about to say a word.

"The suspects are not guilty."

My insights are getting blurry and It feels like I was rotted on the place where I'm standing.

"Syrah!" a familiar voice. Someone grab my both shoulders and faced me to him.

"What's happening?" I look at directly on Chris eyes with mix unknown emotions. Madness, fear and loneliness.

"I want go home." my eyelashes are getting heavy. I might fall asleep on this place. I don't want to create a scene.

Coz every time I remember something I always ended up falling asleep or losing consciousness.

"What happened?"

"Syrah, Are you fine?" the two girls.

They look so sorry on Chris for not noticing me not following them anymore. But it's not their fault.

"I'm sorry, Chris."

"We're so sorry. We didn't notice that she stopped walking."

"Let's go." I said in a low voice trying to fight and not to fall asleep. The three of them nodded. And, of course my husband supports me as if I will lose consciousness in any time.

In just seconds I feel like I will fall asleep and I'm not wrong because after stepping on the parking area my eyes felt so heavy to the point that darkness won over me.

"She's not depressed. She's just acting like one but she's not. She even accused wrong persons on her case. What a shame."

"Mentality playing victim,"

"Why does she's still here? She should've stopped going to school and lock herself on her lonely room."

Different girls on the hallway talking about me. They're all looking at me. It's another memory.

As the cold breezy air touched my skin I constantly feel nothing. How could world be so cruel? But, still wonderful. It's like. We see something that doesn't really seem as it is. Peaceful breath taking places around the world that would make us believe that the whole wide world is peaceful and nice. But the picturesque doesn't define life, our life.

Maybe the places are beautiful and look easy to deal with but the real life isn't.

"How are you feeling?" asked by the man who stand right beside me. He offered me a cup of coffee before sipping his own drink. I smiled and grab his offer. His looks are so intimidating and his stands are shouting power and authority.

He turned his gaze on the sunsets and took a deep breath.

"What do you prefer the most, sunsets or sunrise?" he asked still looking on the orange blue sky.

"Sunset?" I answered. "It's beautiful."

"Sunsets will remind us that the day is over. That we finished a long and tiring day." he nodded as he said those words. He's right on that one. "What do you think when you see a sunset?" he added.

"That I faced a long day without even trying to run away from all the problems. That, the day will end and I did a great job coz I survived." I said.

"If I were to choose between the two, I will choose the Sunrise." I thought he'd chose sunsets thou I'm wrong. His answers were totally unexpected. He always looks at the sunsets whenever we have time together.

"Sunrise gives me hope." he said then turn to me "Whenever I see that the sun is rising again, I had the guts to tell myself 'You have another chance to live better than yesterday. You can continue whatever you didn't finish the last day. You can start another day and improve on everything you want to excel its hope. A hope to be better and heal from the scars that yesterday gave."

For a moment together, it's another time that he amazes me. He's right.

"We shouldn't prison ourselves from our past, Syrah. We shouldn't always care about for tomorrow. We should be doing our best today, in the present. So we won't regret anything tomorrow." I think he's pertaining on something in me.

"You may not remember your past but it still bothers you every night. The nightmares. The memories you see each night are surely painful that even your mind already forget it, it still lingers you even after amnesia." he sighed before continuing. "Syrah, don't force yourself to remember and stop caging yourself from the past you can't even remember."

"Memories are already in the past. What's done is done. Even if the painful memories was already tattooed in your mind and soul. Face the present as the way you wanted it. Live your life, Sy. If you continue living, here, in the present holding back your past. You won't have a good tomorrow." I bit my lips trying not to shed a tear.

"Live the way you want your life. We really can't forget something in the past even more when it is tragic and painful. But we can accept and heal, Syrah." I looked at him with a teary eyed and calm heart.

"Chose to heal, Syrah. And Accept it." he said.

The darkness already defeated the light. But, the skies still manage to shine with the stars and moon.

"The sky looks great even in the dark. The stars still manage to shine at night. I hope you will chose to shine even after the dark chapters. I hope your nightmares won't win over you, Sy. I know I can't give you the best comforts but I'd like you to know that I won't ever leave you." I hug him right after he said that.

I didn't hold back on shedding my tears. I'm not crying because I'm sad or afraid. My tears are down on my face because I feel so provident of having him.

I won't cage myself on my nightmares. I chose to step with full of positivity and courage. I won't let bad thoughts win all over my soul.

I feel so suspicious of my husband. I don't really remember anything that's why I have the rights to feel that way. But, I'm lucky to have him. Husband or not.

"Let's go somewhere." he grabbed my hands. He started walking and because he's holding my hands.. I was trailed.

"Where are we going?" I asked. We are now heading on the huge garden near in our vocation house.

We stopped walking and scan the whole place. There's lot of different flowers and all of them are beautifully alive. The place was dark but because of the moonlight and some lights, we can see the breath taking flowers.

"Why did you brought me here?"

"I just want too. I want you with me going on different places, Sy. Let's travel and make a lot of memories." he smiled. I want to ask him about our past but it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it. But, he told me to live my life the way I wanted so I'll ask him. If he answers me and nice if not its fine.

"Chris, do we have a lot of memories before?" he did not let go of my hands that's why we walk on this garden together, holding hands.

"I want you to remember it yourself, Sy. But, if you really want me to answer that. We have memories together, before you lost your memories. But you are not so close to me, unlike now." he answered. I feel satisfied on his answer because he said that sincerely. Why I'm not so close with him before? He's the only person I want to be with all day. He may not understand everything in me, still, he tries to understand and handle me.

"Why don't you do efforts on me to remember you?" his fingers are massaging my palm.

A sunflower caught my attention making me stop walking.

"The roses are over there, Sy." he said but I look on the side he's talking about.

"When you remember little things from the past you've always sent to the hospital. I don't care about the expenses but every time I see you unconscious... I feel like my heart is not beating. I want you to recover yourself." I answered him with just a nod.

"You loves red roses, why are we here?" he said in the middle of our silence.

"I like roses?" I asked. It's weird. Since the day I woke up from coma. Every time I see roses... I don't feel anything unlike when I see sunflower and tulips. It calms me.

"You didn't tell me directly but I though you love roses, you always chose that." he replied.

"Maybe, I used to like them very much."

I looked at him in just a span of seconds I said that. Do I love red roses?

"Why do you think is the reason why I love red roses?"

"Because you love red."