Past

"I'm sorry for not being a good husband to you, Syrah. I really am Sorry." I shook my head and my tears started to fall. Chris wiped the tears that I shed and hushed me. "Sorry for not knowing your past. If I could’ve just know, Syrah. If I could just... Maybe, I can give you the comfort you deserve." he then stopped and we both kept the silence for a couple of minutes.

"Come here." Chris held my hand and we talk towards the bench here. We sat and face the Dark yet beautiful sky.

"Why did you marry me when even in the first place you don't even know me and my past, Chris? What is that? Please do enlighten me. Please tell me everything you know about my past and everything you know about me." I sound so desperate. He sighed and then he nailed his gazes on the sky.

"It's almost two years now since the day I met you. You were applying to be my secretary and the first thing I've noticed on you is your face." he stopped just for a second and continued again.

"You look like someone on my past." Chris turned his gaze on me and smiled so sweet. "You look like the kid who keeps on following me when I was in my senior year of High School. She looks like you, Syrah. I thought you are her. But, after we got married your attitude and personality was really the opposite of hers. She's talkative, cheerful and she always wear a decent smile." so, by any chance. He just marry me because if someone. He mistook me from someone else, is that it?

Why does it hurt? Its hurts! So freaking bad!

"She'd made me a promise before I went to states. She told me to marry her when she turned on the right age. That's why when I saw you... I thought of marrying you. On that, I'll have the chance to fulfill my promise to that girl. But, you didn't recognize me and that makes sense. You weren't that little kid."

"How come did you mistook me from being that girl? Didn't you know her name?" I asked and he just gave a small fake smile.

"I didn't give her much attention. He told me she has a crush on me but whenever we crossed our paths, I do just ignore her. She was young back then. I didn't had the chance to ask her name. I have a girlfriend that time. But, one day we had a good and fun conversation and she told me that I have to marry her. She's young and of course she'll change her mind." I don't know why I felt a sudden stab on my chest. So, he just marry me because of a promise to a young girl back then? It hurts.

"I won't deny anything. I used to like that girl." I can't shed my tears but I know, deep down... My heart is crying.

"I'm sorry, Syrah. Please forgive me." he sounds pleading for forgiveness.

Chris doesn't really have a mistake but, still... It hurts! Big time!

"Tell me more." Hurt me more.

I want to be numb! And a pain will help me to be numb! "Tell me more about myself."

"You'll get hurt, Syrah. I don't want to hurt-" I cut him off.

"Please... Tell me."

He took a deep breath before telling me everything he knows about me, my attitude and personality before the accident.

"Promise me that you would forgive yourself. Don't cage yourself from your past, Syrah." he stopped. "You weren't anti-social unlike now. You loves to go on a shopping and really outgoing. Buy luxury things and you also love red. And, sometimes-I mean most of the time you shout at our maids or employees whenever they make a little and simple mistake." What a bitch!

"I am a bitch." I said while nodding. "Now, I understand why your cousin Everett hates me. Now, I've finally understand. I am totally a bitch!" a lone tear escaped from my eyes.

I can't take it! I'm so mean to everybody before! Who could I do that?! It pains me a lot. Maybe, I really deserve this amnesia. Maybe, I really deserve to suffer.

"N-no, Syrah! No." he's trying to convince me that I'm not a bitch when the truth is, I really am.

"Stop it, Chris! We both know now that I'm a bitch, mean and a fuss! Stop convincing and comforting me with all you sweet lies! Why don't you hate me now! C'mon! You should've let me die! You should be mad at me!" I said in a cold yet emotionless voice.

"No, Syrah. Believe me when I say you changed a lot. You're good-" I didn't let him finish and punch him on his chest using my weak fist.

"Stop it! I don't want to hear lies! Stop convincing me that I'm a good person! Stop being a dumb, Chris! Why didn't you let me die when I'm a pain in the ass?! I know you're mad at me but why are you so good and caring?! Fudge!" for the first time since the day I woke up after the accident, I get the chance to shout and be mad. I'm not actually mad, I'm hurt. And the tears are all visible now. Why do I have to be like this?

I'm mad at myself at the same time I don't want to... to think that I didn't do such things. I want to tell myself that 'I am not Syrah' but that'll be just fvcking lie.

"Answer me, Chris. Why didn't you let me die?" I ask in a low voice.

"I'm actually mad at you that time. So mad. I don't want to tell you everything now, Syrah. I want you to remember everything yourself. I didn't let you die because I hate you and yes, I'm planning a wicked revenge. But." he took a low breath before continuing.

"But, Whenever I see you after you woke up. Being scared of everything and everyone I pitied you. And my anger sudden melted. Every night that you'd always have nightmares makes me feel furious but deep down I want to forgive you."

"You're really different from the Syrah before the accident. To be honest, you'd have the same personality of the kid in my past but not as cheerful and talkative. You changed and I saw everything about you. One day, I just woke up and I don't feel any anger at you. I'm excited to wake up and take care of you. Comfort you. Like, all of a sudden... Everything that you did disappeared."

"I want you to remember and forgive yourself. Yes, I still have a little, filthy little anger. But that fades away when I saw your face and I don't fvcking know why the heck?! I know, Someday... This pain will pass." he said.

Based on what he said... I did something unforgivable before the accident.

Why all of a sudden.. All the confidence that I built got destroyed? And I don't want to trust anybody, even myself.

I'm really desperate to remember everything! I wanted to remember!

"Syrah," I looked at Chris who's looking at me earnestly. "Please give me a chance. Give yourself a chance. Just please, I want us to be like how we act these past few months. Please."