The worst torture that teenagers could subject themselves to is dwelling deep into their thoughts. It eats you up, chews you slow and swallows you whole till all you want left is to blow up into limbo and disappear from the world. From all the pain, the headache, the heartaches, the confusion, the frustration, you just want to let it go.

But right now I'm not sure of what I want anymore... I don't think I ever did.

With the words of my long time childhood friend dancing around my ears and the memory of a few minutes ago replaying in my memory over and over again, I finally decide to stop trying to get comfortable on my bed because sleep is the last thing that could happen right now.

It was the depth that I saw in his soul through the mirror of his eyes, the transparency and fraction of ache that clouded his facial features when he spilled out those words. Not a vent of anger but one of frustration.

'I'm fucking in love with you.'

I shut my eyes tightly and watch the scene unfold in my memory yet again.

It had to be the first time in how far back my memory could go that I'd seen him looking that vulnerable. The gloss in his eyes and the red flush on his face that spread down the bottom of his ears made him look a lot younger than he is. His fingers twitched and he moved his arms around as if unsure of where to place them.

His throat bumped, swallowing heavily he sucked in a deep breath and kept his eyes fixated on the ground "Is that what you wanted to hear?" His voice was soft and barely audible but clear enough for me. "I..."

I have always been the one to shed oceans from my eyes, never him, never Kyle because he has always been the tough one. Always been the strong one, always been the one to rob my hair and bitch talk about anyone that made me shed even just a little tear to the point it becomes a joke, and watching him, right at that moment blink out wondering sweat from his eyes had me going weak and my knees trembling.

It was all new and strange to me, watching my personal rock crack before me... because of me.

"Kyle..."

I almost didn't recognize my voice, it left my lips sounds so fragile and mostly at an unrecovered state of shock.

"Don't." His gaze meets mine, the emotion in his eyes sing a different song than the one I'm quite used to "I just..." He sighs "I think this is good. There's just so long I could have tried to keep it from you anyway... but it's okay Lex" his lips curve up so very slightly into a painful but meaningful smile "It's okay not to say anything."

With that I broke the seal in my throat with an ugly cry-like-scoff-like-cough-like-moan that screeches off my lips.

And despite everything that just happened, despite just confessing his feelings for me that aren't being returned, despite obviously hurting, still the moment I seemed like I couldn't handle much anymore he pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly as I let out the ugly noisy tears on the comfort of his chest.

I stud there holding him like he would disappear with so much as just a slip of my fingers, asking my self what the fuck I did to deserve him in my life. Why the fuck my tear glads are being uncontrollable tonight, Why the fuck I was being too emotional and making this all about myself, but I know he also needed this just as much as I did.

With the way he held on tightly to me, reciprocating my clingy gestures just as even, holding me so closely that I could barely breathe but yet I didn't want to let go and neither did he.

My tears had died down into subtle sniffs and somehow my breathing had calmed, I wanted to say something... anything, maybe check up on him to show that I did care about how he feels but I know how stupid that would have sounded so I kept my lips sealed.

Slowly Kyle pulled away without removing his hand from around my waist and the one curled around my neck softly massaging my tense muscles as we stared at each other directly in the eyes and only a few inches apart.

The hues of his hazel eyes boring deeply into mine had my senses alert on a different level. The way he looked at me, an emotion of longing that swept through his features, so much passion, and so much different from the way he ever did before and the finger that slid down my collar veins made my blood pump a little faster than normal.

His eyes drifted down steadily till his burning gaze was resting on my lips that instinctively part from the attention it was getting, and somehow I really wanted him to deep his head a little bit and cover the remaining little space between us. Somehow I really, really did want him to kiss me and I know he was thinking the exact same thing.

But he didn't. Instead he pulled away from me completely, all physical contact gone. Then he muttered underneath his breath in a forced pitch that looked like it took him a lot to swallow. "You should go to bed. You need rest."

And now that I sit in bed replaying the memory in my head I can't help but feel embarrassed. I definitely could have handled that better. 'Or maybe I should have kissed him?No!'

I groan lightly and let my head collide with the headboard before sitting up and dragging both my hands down my face.

'I need a night walk.'

So I put on my slippers and hoping no one was still out and awake, made my way to the bedroom door but stop abruptly on my tracks as when a thought crosses my mind.

I turn around, my eyes focused on the top of my bed cupboard and sitting right there are the keys I never thought I was going to have to use. I need an escape and right now, it's just the perfect place.

The air feels so good on my skin as I walk down the streets with my hands in my jean pockets that I never bothered changing after all the tension today. It is colder tonight and the howling of the wind that slaps on my skin even through my black sweatshirt is comforting in a pleasant way. I take the risk of closing my eyes while walking alone on the road side for just a brief second before opening my eyes to the reality before me.

And frankly I have no idea how long I keep walking but only until I am standing in front of my destination am I suddenly aware of my surroundings.

It's just as I remember, the small building sitting between a yoga studio and an ice cream parlor where she'd usually partnered to throw giveaways for loyal customers. The cream and pink panted walls that although look rather old but are still inviting to me and a small smile creeps up my face when I allow my gaze to wonder a little higher and stop at the big calligraphy at the top of the building that reads "Katie's sweets".

Although the reflection of moonlight is rather mocking and denying of a decent view of the bright font colors from the introductory invitation of the building, I know this place like the back of my hand and I know how much I'd pestered my mum about removing that much color from the front, telling her continually how uncool and uninviting it was but I know now that was a heedless statement.

The doors are sealed with a chain and a big lock in exception of the normal default door lock which put a slight frown to my face, but then I notice there are more than two keys to the small bunch in my hands so I try them all till I'm taking off the seal and then unlocking the nob.

Despite the state of denial I have subjected myself to all this while, I admit to myself tonight, right here in front of my mother's bakery that yes even though it's not as much as I please, Andrew does know me. He knew I was going to change my mind in visiting this place, he knew that sometime whenever, I would need to bash myself in the comfort of an old home to me. A place I'd normally come around to sub whenever I had a terrible day.

And now here I am.

I let out a light sigh as I invite myself into the bakery and I'm greeted by the smell of dust.

Just like I thought, it hasn't been visited for months, probably since the day it was sealed which is probably not long after she left.

I trail my fingers down in a line on the cold and dusty work slab till I'm standing behind the counter and sliding down to the ground on my bum. My legs spread in disoriented positions and my arms are no better with my head leaning on the supporting concrete behind me.

I shut my eyes, deciding not to dwell too much on the painful thoughts this time but the bright ones. The happy ones that brings about an unconscious smile on my lips.

I don't think about Andrew, nor Caroline, or Kyle. I think about my mother but this time I don't see the pain in her eyes while struggling to survive on a hospital bed, I see a beaming woman, I see a woman who adored her kids to the point she'd risk anything for them because to her, Kyle was also her kid.

I see her smile and the beauty in her eyes when she looks at me, I feel the softness of her lips pressed against my temple and her hands smoothen my hair when they'd get scattered by the white kids who always judged me for being a half breed.

I hear her addictive laugh and feel her arms cage me in her embrace, and finally...

Finally I'm able to drift out of Consciousness and into a sweet and sound slumber.

*******

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